by YouTime Coaching | Nov 30, 2016 | parenting
It was just another Friday in September 2004 when my Dad and sisters jumped in the rental SUV to drop me off at college for my freshman year. My high-school girlfriend and I had just broke up a day or so prior so I was not in the mood to talk and therefor slept most of the way to the University of Rhode Island. I don’t truly know what my Dad or Mom were feeling that day but I had done a satisfactory job of distracting myself from what this transition would look like.
We pulled up and unloaded the hundreds of dollars worth of Target product, obviously including an egg-crate mattress pad and a mini-fridge. Once my family pulled away, I was off, just like your kids right now. While your kids and myself may not of had the same experience, I am sure we share at least one similarity. Going “off” to college means a lot of things for a family, both parent and teenager.
“Off” to college for me meant, freedom to:
- Choose when to talk to my parents.
- Choose when to tell my parents about grades (or just the bad ones).
- Not tell me parents where I am at or where I am going.
- Make whatever decisions I wanted to (remember an 18 year old mind).
For some parents, dropping your child off at college is a time to go home, pop a bottle of bubbly, turn on some of Queen’s “We Are the Champions”, and give yourself a firm pat on the back for a job well done. For many other parents this time is a tough transition. Happy for the their children’s achievements and understanding that this is the “next big step”, but a little anxious about how they are going to make it social, emotionally, and academically.
The first semester at school was tough, not necessarily academically but balancing freedoms. My phone calls home to my parents dwindled to maybe 2-3 per month, grades we happily mediocre, I struggled making it consistently to morning classes, healthy eating no longer existed, anxiety was through the roof, and I hadn’t felt like a made any meaningful connections quite yet.
This doesn’t take into account any of the thoughts or feelings my parents were having during the same time period. Bottom-line, it is a challenging time of new freedom, personal change, uncertainty, and expectations. How a parent or child handles this is determined by many things, which makes the search for understanding and meaning a tough one.
If you are nervous about your kid’s transition into the college life, you may have good reason to be. Everything you have done as a parent to help your child develop skills such as decision making, self-control/regulation, and confidence is now on display and put to the test. An 18 year old’s brain hasn’t fully developed the area where decision making and impulse control exists, so in many cases this can lead to a parent’s wandering mind and a teenager’s search for instant gratification.
by YouTime Coaching | Nov 26, 2016 | parenting, Physical Health, Sports Therapy, Teenagers
“Tough it out and get back in there!”
Black and blue ankle sprains, torn knee ligaments, and concussions have found a way to be commonplace during a child’s high-school and college athletic career. In a world where concussions in young people are making headlines every other day, many coaches, parents, and other support systems have their radar on high… but why?
You see, injuries ranging from severe concussions to sprains have multiple dimensions to a young person. The injury sustained itself has physical impairment in which a Doctor can diagnose and create a treatment plan for, but the thoughts and beliefs about the injury create a real mental dimension.
“I can’t believe my season is over.”
“I didn’t really want to play anyway.”
“I am going to lose my scholarship”
“The break isn’t that bad, coach said I’ll be back in a couple days…”
The “invisible wounds” (anxiety, depression, anger, denial, frustration, changes in motivation) of an athletic injury can have substantial impacts on your kids academics, social life, emotional well-being, and ability to recover.
PLEASE read on as one of our coaches, Ido Heller, walks you through what an injury really could mean to your kid, and what you can do as a support to ease the road ahead.
A CRUCIAL FACTOR IN YOUR YOUTH’S SPORTS INJURY:
Experiencing a permanent injury may lead to feelings of vulnerability and despair. Although the injury itself is the primary stressor, the perception of the injury is a crucial factor toward rehabilitation. The cognitive appraisal perspective suggests that the same injury may elicit different levels of stress in different people. For example, knee injuries that include severe pain, grinding, limited movement and visible deformity, are likely to have a more significant impact on (for example) a breaststroke swimmer, who heavily relies on legs and knees’ performance to generate propulsion, than a freestyle swimmer and non-athletes. Given that athletes’ identity and financial status (income or scholarship) is based on their ability to perform physically, such a severe injury makes them prone to depression.
[bctt tweet=”Experiencing a permanent injury may lead to feelings of vulnerability and despair. So how can you best help your child?” username=”youtimecoaching”]
The way athletes interpret their injury determines their emotional response (frustration, sorrow, relief), and ultimately their behavioral response (loneliness, sluggishness, devotion). Though scholars (e.g., Livneh, 1986; Livneh and Antonak,1991) suggest a general reaction pattern of individuals who experience a chronic injury disability (shock, realization, mourning, acknowledgments, and coping/reformulation), my personal experience in working with swimmers is more consistent with other researchers such as Brewer (1994) who assert that athletes’ physical, emotional and psychological foundation may affect this response pattern.
The fact that injury has occurred is less important than its meaningfulness; there is an opportunity for caregivers such as parents to assist their loved ones’ athletes who are suffering from chronic injury by discussing the meaning of the injury and resulting changes in lifestyle.
POTENTIAL CHALLENGES AND OPPORTUNITIES:
Shock, confusion, and feelings of being overwhelmed are usually observed in the immediate aftermath of an injury; athletes may reject any type of assistance because they view such help as unnecessary. Therefore, in the first phase, caregivers should provide only a empathetic and compassionate support.
When the individual begins to realize the weight of their injury, it is important to identify various traits that represent psychological resilience (positive emotionality, hardiness, ego resilience, hope) and leverage these to assist athletes in overcoming the mental and physical hardships of rehabilitation. For example, characteristics successfully used during the swimming season, such as toughness, determination, and accuracy can be pointed out by you (the parent, the friend, the coach) and generalized by the swimmer in overcoming challenges of the rehabilitation process.
Making a positive attribution to past success (optimism) is the foundation of individuals’ ability to take on and put in the necessary effort to succeed at challenging tasks now and in the future. As noted in innovative work of Livneh (1986) and phases of recovery, following injuries athletes may experience a lack of hope, distress, reactive depression, and internalized anger. Because it is a relatively extended period, some people such as coaches and peers may make statements such as “Tough it out!” and “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!” which are counterproductive. Instead, you, the caregiver, should encourage and nurture an environment that is responsive to the athlete’s needs.
[bctt tweet=”Setting goals are also an essential part of rehabilitation because it stimulates the athlete to think about alternative ways of improving performance and wellness.” username=”youtimecoaching”]
Setting goals are also an essential part of rehabilitation because it stimulates the athlete to think about alternative ways of improving performance and wellness. The athlete (or specifically, the breaststroke swimmer in our example above) must be assured that even though physical participation in sports as once experienced is no longer possible, there is still the challenge to channel many of her abilities and skills toward successful rehabilitation; then, meaningful life.
ADHD, ATHLETE & INJURY:
Athletes with ADD/ADHD are more prone to be injured than their counterparts without ADD/ADHD in open activities, training, and competitions. The underlying circumstances of injury risk in athletes with ADD/ADHD are that they anticipate fewer negative consequences, expect less critical injury, and report a higher likelihood of engaging in precarious behavior though they identify hazards at similar levels, compared with athletes with no ADD/ADHD. Following injuries, overcompensation attitude (i.e., the desire to work too hard in the rehabilitation process) is also more likely to occur among the former group. Hence, you the caregiver must nurture a stress-free positive environment, reinforce productive mindful behavior before and following an injury, and last but not least, present the various symptoms of the injury as well as what symptoms could be aligned with ADD/ADHD. This will allow your child to start compartmentalizing what is going on, help reduce stress, and will provide at minimum a chance to communicate about the mental challenges of their injury.
References:
Brewer, B. (1994). Review and critique of models of psychological adjustment models to athletic
injury. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 6, 87-100.
Gunther, M. (1971). Psychiatric consultation in a rehabilitation hospital: A regression
hypothesis. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 12, 572-585.
Livneh, H. (1986). A unified approach to existing models of adaptation to disability: I. A model
adaptation. Journal of Applied Rehabilitation Counseling, 17, 5-16.
Livneh, H., & Antonak, R. F. (1990). Reactions to disability: An empirical investigation of their
nature and structure. Journal of Applied Rehabilitation Counseling, 21(4), 13–21.
by YouTime Coaching | Nov 9, 2016 | Arguments, Children, parenting, parents
CONFLICT.
Yeah, it could be a synonym for “parenthood” or the newest board game for parents and their children to practice communication and relationship building (look out for it on the shelves this coming holiday season in your nearest Target). Let’s face it, conflict in and out of the home can feel like an every day occurrence. Regardless of your child’s developmental stage (school-age, adolescence, early adulthood…etc) or challenges with ADHD, executive functioning, or processing speed, parent’s are forced to navigate conflicts with their children, inner-conflicts with themselves, and potentially with any other caregivers in the picture.
While no two conflicts are identical (though the argument could feel redundant… “Why didn’t you start your homework yet?… I didn’t raise you like that!… If you don’t clean your room, you can’t go over your friends house.), you knowing your different “conflict modes” can give you access to a higher understanding of parenting and effective communication with your children during chaotic times.
What is a “conflict mode”?
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Short and sweet, your conflict mode is a deeper understanding of how you typically behave during conflict.
First, there are two dimensions.
1. Assertiveness: how much effort (or lack of effort) you put into satisfying your own concerns.
2. Cooperativeness: how much effort (or lack of effort) you put into satisfying the other person’s concerns.
Think of it like this.
Second, there are 5 “modes” for how we respond to conflict.
To learn more about each of these “modes” take a look at this: An Overview of Conflict Modes. Taking a quick gander you can probably start to piece together the more obvious “modes” you go into during a conflict with your child. This isn’t a “one way or another” type of situation, because typically parents will exhibit some degree of each of these across the conflicts you face with yourself and others.
There are many specific behaviors that could enact each individual factor but your “conflict mode” is built off of the aim of the behavior rather than the specific behavior itself. Same goes for your child.
For example, your child may not want to talk about the poor grade they received on their English paper and in order to achieve this avoidance they could walk out of the room, shut down and not speak, or even change topics altogether. Three different behaviors, all aimed to avoid.
Let’s put the entire picture together.
Your “conflict mode” is a product of your personal disposition and the requirements of the situation you have found yourself in. Different conflicts with your children, loved ones, your friends, and even yourself can highlight different tendencies you may gravitate to within these modes.
BENEFITS TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR “CONFLICT MODE”:
• Learn how to use your strengths to set boundaries and KEEP THEM!
• Work with your child in creating innovative solutions to common problems.
• Further develop your ability to manage your efforts, while still helping you and your child.
• Reduce your stress load during conflicts.
• Genuinely support your child during conflicts.
Taking a look at the diagram above will give you a self-diagnosed idea of what modes you gravitate towards.
Contact YouTime Coaching now to find out your individualized “conflict mode” and learn more about how to put the newly acquired information into action at home with yourself and your children.
