by YouTime Coaching | Sep 25, 2014 | Advice, Behavior, Change, Communication, Connections
One of the many things that human’s possess that never shuts off is our ears. Even when we are sleeping, we are listening. In such a noisy world full of distractions, loud noises, and multi-tasking, how are we actually able to listen to anything worthwhile?
Is listening to those around us even possible anymore?
Something is wrong here, right?
Humans use listening to gain meaning through sound, but in a world so noisy this requires more energy then ever.
Take for instance being on a subway and looking around at how many people are wearing headphones, listening to their music. These people may seem like the are attempting to fully devote their ears to their music and are fully focused in on it. What this creates though is a bunch of individuals isolating themselves and not actually listening to those around them. It is sometimes no wonder why people find it hard to communicate, relate, and connect with people. We are frequently in our own worlds!
What needs to happen to regain this integral piece of communication and connection. The piece that helps us understand each other, gain meaning from one another, and exist together.
Well… here are 3 steps to start regaining our ability to listen:
Reboot Our Ears:
Take 3 minutes (only 90 seconds) of silence a day (or quietness). This actually helps your ears recalibrate themselves. Returning them to a place of higher performance.
Relate Sounds:
Some people find particular noises “annoying” or “distracting”, such as an air-conditioner, a truck/train going by, or a baby crying. Try to take some of the sounds you hear on a day to day basis and relate them to something positive. Imagine your world when those sounds don’t piss you off or get you in a negative mood.
Follow the Rules:
So we have lost our ability to fully listen to those around us which has resulted in retaining only 25% of what we listen to! We are better then that, and here is an acronym that will help you retain more information.
R.A.S.A.
- R eceive: Pay attention to the person. (eye contact, look at their lips, stay focused)
- A ppreciate: Use small sounds/word to appreciate what the person is saying (hmm, okay, yes…etc)
- S ummarize: Old trick in the book. If you reflect back some of the information you were just told it will not only help you remember it but will make the other person feel appreciated and respected. (try starting the summary by saying “So”)
- A sk: Use relevant questions as a way of expressing interest, staying engaged, and as another staple to retain more information.
Remember that listening is how we understand each other and the things around us. It is always one of the top issues in relationships and families. It is worth paying close attention to.
*Some of the information provided above was derived from Julian Teasure’s TED Talk “5 Ways to Listen Better”.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 18, 2014 | Advice, Connections, Dating, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Receive, Relationships
“I don’t feel like picking a girl up at a bar.”
“I always seem to meet a guy that is completely wrong for me.”
“It is such an easy hook up.”
“They didn’t look like their profile picture.”
For those familiar with the online dating scene these thoughts may hit all to close to home. When it comes to trying Plenty of Fish or the recently popularized site Tinder, everyone seems to have such high hopes.
Sure they take the “going out to meet someone” concept out of the equation and match individualizes based on personality, interests and relationship goals, but is this potentially causing more harm than good? This is in no way discounting the healthy and long lasting relationships that have bloomed from online dating, because there are many. Nor is this claiming that online dating is bad, in fact it helps many people connect with individuals they wouldn’t have in the first place.
For perspective sake, could pre-matching individuals be handicapping us by minimizing the real life challenges presented while trying to connect with someone in a less constructed social environment?
Sure, that sounds like a hypothesis for a politically correct research paper, but the real question is “Why does this generation need online dating so bad?”
Reasons I have heard so far:
“I don’t have enough time to go meet somebody.” (very popular one)
“I am not good at hitting on women/guys at a bar.”
“It takes all the middle stuff out.”
Online dating has its purposes, but the perspective I would like to provide you with is how to use online dating principles to improve your non-online dating love life.
PRINCIPLE #1
Proximity Principle
Put simply, things that are closer to each other tend to stay together, get grouped together, and form interpersonal relationships. Tinder uses this technique quite wonderfully by searching for potential matches in your area. To steal some of this effect and apply it without an online dating profile, find local hang outs and places of interests. This could be a coffee shop/cafe, restaurant, parks…etc. Whatever it is, if it is closer to where you work, live, or typically hangout the likelihood of seeing the same people more then once will increase.
PRINCIPLE #2
VULNERABILITY
So you don’t want to share your entire life and baggage on the first date or even first encounter but you do want to create a genuine connection. Online dating allows you put some of that information out there for others to judge whether or not it is in sync with their beliefs, values, and priorities. What you need to do is find that middle ground between “What time is it?” or “Great weather today” with “How many ex-girlfriends/boyfriends do you have” or “I would love to have kids”. There is a time and place for this. Offer a little information that creates a small amount of vulnerability and let them know you are human. For example, when I first started dating my wife I told her that I grew up the middle child of two sisters and that is most likely why I am able to handle “chick-flicks”. I could of been judged on this but instead it was a source of humor and connection.
PRINCIPLE #3
LETS BE FRIENDS
Regardless of your dating goals, it is more than okay to establish “non-romantic” relationships. In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification. Take the time to get to know somebody and establish a foundation to build off of. Sex is one aspect of a relationship and is popular thing for couples to focus on. If you meet somebody out, focus on building a genuine connection and not simply a physical one.
I hope you are able to find these 3 principles useful in your
search for that special somebody.
by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2013 | Beliefs, Boston Marathon, Boston Strong, Confidence, Connections, Distress, Fear, Growth, Post Traumatic Growth, Post Traumatic Stress, Stress, Success, Support, The One Fund
In light of the recent bombings at the Boston Marathon and the massive numbers of individuals returning from war, our culture has become all too familiar with the term “post traumatic stress”. What most people are not as familiar with is the concept of
“Post Traumatic Growth”
Research involving individuals and their relationship to stress, pain, fear, and trauma have been around for thousands of years but the interest in Post Traumatic Growth began to steal some of the limelight in the 1990’s.
Post Traumatic Growth involves an individual’s path in adapting to sets of negative experiences that would normally cause psychological distress or harm. These events could include experiences with death, abuse, serious injury, natural disasters, relationships, accidents, and other potentially traumatic events.
Simply looking at this list you can understand why some individuals experience post traumatic stress.
BUT
What if there were a way to experience growth following traumatic events like those mentioned above?
Post Traumatic Growth Characteristics:
- Greater appreciation for life
- Shift in sense of priorities
- More genuine connections and relationships
- Increase sense of personal strength
- Recognition of new life paths and possibilities
Are you sold yet?
How can I get some Post Traumatic Growth?
1. First, you must have a belief system that supports growth.
Spirituality is a characteristic that has been closely linked to experiencing post traumatic growth, but the core concept behind this connection are the empowering beliefs a spiritual individual may possess.
Keep these in mind:
BELIEVE that you can grow from this
and
You are capable of this change.
2. You must have support
Support systems have been linked in post traumatic growth on many levels. Therapists, counselors, and life coaches (with proper training) can have great impacts on your ability to experience this growth, post traumatic event.
Surround yourself with genuine, insightful, and caring individuals that you feel comfortable sharing your life with. This could be the difference between growth and stress.
Conclusion:
- Be confident and open to being able to grow
- Develop a belief system that empowers and supports you in experiencing growth.
- Seek out opportunity to develop new genuine relationships and connections.
- Sniff out your most precious support systems and use them.
Lastly,
During the Boston Marathon I was watching the race in Kenmore Square (15 minute walk to the finish line), when I had heard what happened followed by a massive number of text messages, phone calls, and emails making sure I was okay. I want to thank those individuals and extend my heart and support to the families that were affected by these horrible events.
There is hope and there is strength within you to grow from this. Never loose sight of that.
All the best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
Vitality, Performance, and Parent Coach
YouTime Coaching
Boston, MA
Contact:
[email protected]
(856)905-5410
If you would like to donate to The One Fund click the ribbon above:
by YouTime Coaching | Jun 14, 2012 | alcohol, Beliefs, Bonnaroo, Connections, Control, drugs, Human Needs |
In about a month I will embark on a half-day road trip down to Manchester, Tennessee for round two of one of the world’s biggest music festivals. It ranks as “#3 Most Eye-Opening Thing I’ve Ever Experienced” and once again will be with Kate (my fiancé), Whitney (my younger sister), and Scott (her boyfriend).
I wanted to share my previous experience with you once again!
Here you go!
If you gather together 100,000 people from all over the country and put them in a single location with access to alcohol and drugs, how much violence would occur?
From June 7-10th 2012 I witnessed something amazing.
On June 6th, I took the 15 hour journey down to Manchester, Tennessee with my girlfriend (now fiancé), little sister,
and her boyfriend
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| Beautiful off highway scenery in Tennessee! |
You may be asking, why would anyone ever go to Manchester, Tennessee? Simple… Bonnaroo Music Festival.
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| Center Roo Entrance |
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| Bonnaroo Ferris Wheel |
This festival features some of the top music artists of our time, of all time, and the future coming.With this being said, the festival drives 100,000 people to Manchester, Tennessee each year to check out some unbelievable music, eat some tasty food, and let loose.
So back to the original question. With this many people, personalities, and ingredients for disaster, how much violence and fighting do you believe could exist at Bonnaroo?
To put it in perspective…
After seeing those pictures, you will probably never allow your child to go to a concert again!
Unless, you were able to experience what I did from June 7-10th.
I witnessed 100,000 people over 4 entire days live together IN PEACE!
“After day two I had realized something was different, and it struck me. Everybody is getting along, making friends, and helping each other out.”
How is this possible?
Research shows that the relationship between humans, drugs, and violence looks typically follows this pattern,
More People = More Cases of Violence
Alcohol = More Cases of Violence
Drugs = More Cases of Violence
People, Alcohol, and Drugs = Lots of Cases Violence
*I must make a disclaimer and say that there is a group known as “Soberoo”, who are music fans that maintain sobriety at Bonnaroo alongside many other individuals that do not use alcohol or illicit drugs while at the festival.
One of the dominating factors for this festival remaining peaceful is the human need and desire for connection.
We all wish to be unique, important, noticed, part of something larger, and/or involved in a community. This is the perfect opportunity for individuals to fulfill this need. The common connection between every individual there was their enjoyment of music. Individuals pay the $300+ price tag to experience some of the greatest music this country and world has to offer, not to fight. There is no volatile contested terrain.
A world where we can connect with other humans, be present for the same reasons, and enjoy being around others?
Sounds like a Utopia to me.
My challenge to you,
When an opportunity presents itself to connect with another individual over something you have in common, take it. Start with less threatening and vulnerable dialogue and build on from there.
If 100,000 people in Tennessee can do it for 96 hours straight, I have confidence you will be able to as well.
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| Setting up camp! |
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| The line to get into Centeroo |
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| Inside Centeroo |
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| “The Fun Bunch” |
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