by YouTime Coaching | Mar 25, 2015 | boundaries, Communication, limits, parenting, parents, Positive, positive reinforcement, punishments, relaxation, rewards, Teenagers
Parenting a teenager can be a challenge and require a lot of skill and energy. However, there are a few tips that can help make it a lot easier.
Step 1: Be positive about your expectations.
Studies show that people often perform and act according to what is expected of them. If little is expected, little will be achieved. This is known as the Pygmalion effect, and it has been seen with the expectations a parent has of a child.
DOWNLOAD: Parenting Strategies For Raising Teenagers…. That Actually Work!
If you expect that your teenager is going to fail in school, for example, this increases the likelihood that they will fail. However, thinking the opposite can have a positive effect. It’s important not to have expectations that are too overwhelming (become the President) or too specific (my son is going to be a quarterback), because expectations become limiting, but rather to have positive expectations based on the teen’s interests, skills and personality.
Step 2: Use rewards, not punishments.
It has been shown that punishments have a varying effect on discouraging a negative behavior, but rewards are guaranteed to work to encourage positive behavior. Rewards don’t have to be material, as many times sincere praise will work very well to encourage the teen.
Usually, with teenagers, parents tend to focus on the negative behaviors, sometimes taking the good things for granted. This actually serves to perpetuate the negative behaviors more. However, shifting the focus and being generous with praise can help you achieve better results.
Step 3: Adjust limits
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Teenagers need different limits than children, and what is more, they need limits that are adjusted as they grow up. However, it often happens that parents don’t revise the limits until a serious fight happens or something else equally out of the ordinary occurs. To prevent this, it’s a good idea to revise limits consistently to maintain a balance between the teen’s freedom and responsibility. Step 4: Remain calm
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Teens are dramatic, as their emotional experiences are often extreme. They say they “hate” their parents, which is something no parent wants to hear. However, in the face of these emotions that the teen yet can’t control, it’s very important to remain calm and be there for them, as these outbursts usually don’t reflect actual hatred, but pain and anger that the teen doesn’t know how to handle yet.
Step 5: Keep communications channels open
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While the teen needs more freedom, they still need guidance and help. It’s very important that they can feel as if they can receive it in their own home with their family. Teenagers need to be able to come to their parents with different problems and situations, so they shouldn’t feel like they would receive only blame or anger. Rather, they need to feel that they will be supported. For this, it’s important to reinforce these ideas through words and actions.
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by YouTime Coaching | May 21, 2014 | Change, happiness, Positive, Self-Change, Stages of Change, Support, Tracking Progress
The “Self-Help” field is a multi-billion dollar a year industry. By the figures alone, most people are consistently trying to improve themselves, experience change, and accomplish goals.
There is potential for significant harm when simply picking up a self-help book in the local bookstore. Here is a great clip of
Dr. John Norcross (one of the leading researchers in personal and professional change), sharing how there are actually only a couple, literally, a couple resources out there proven to work and how others can cause serious harm to you.
If you skipped down to this before watching the clip, don’t try taking a short-cut (that may say something about how you also approach your own personal and professional change). Go back and watch it.
Okay, so you have watched the clip and I want to now provide you with what I believe are 3 of the most important researched and proven to work strategies that will be vital to any self-change.
Strategy 1:
“Nobody wants to achieve the negative”
Imagine setting a goal, such as,
“I want to stop procrastinating”
“I want to not overeat”
“I want to stop being attracted to jerks”
“I don’t want to work a miserable job”
Does this sound all too familiar?
A huge number of individuals fall short in a fundamental piece to goal setting, which is, DO NOT SET NEGATIVE GOALS. Nobody wants to achieve a negative goal or move forward with it.
Almost sounds conflicting…”I am going to achieve and make progress with the negative”
When setting your goal, make sure to set it in a “positive-frame” rather than a “negative frame”. I will list some examples.
“I will stop procrastinating” (negative frame)
“i will be more pro-active and assertive” (positive frame)
“I don’t want to overeat” (negative frame)
“I will be more mindful and conscious regarding my meals” (positive frame)
Moving towards something positive and something “gained” has a far more positive impact then trying to “avoid the negative” or “delete” something out of your life. The “positive frame” will help with your mental and physical endurance while pursuing the goal!
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Strategy 2:
“Nobody wants to be alone”
Sure we all want to think that we can make changes, reach goals, and live amazing lives all by ourselves. As much as this sounds nice and empowering, research shows that it is absolutely necessary to have a support team along the way.
Your social support team will not only help you progress with your goals, but is actually a huge factor in an individuals happiness!
This is what you need to do.
- Make a list of specific ways you need support in achieving your change.
- Number the specific ways so you know exactly how many people you need on your “team”.
- Start fielding a team by contacting people you know and specifically asking for their help in the way that you need it. (remember that some may not be comfortable, knowledgeable, or willing to help out for many reasons. It is important you are clear with them about what you are trying to accomplish and ask them if they can support you in that way)
- Keep your team updated throughout the process and stay connected! (communicate with them if you need check ins, help with accountability…etc)
Things to think about regarding support:
- There are different types of support, so different people should be included as each person offers something new.
- Some people aren’t able to provide the support you need, so be clear with them about your needs and respect if they aren’t able to help out.
- You are not looking for friends and family to coach you. Many people would like to add their “5 cents” to the conversation. This is not the support you are looking for. That support comes from a trained and experienced Life Coach.
Strategy 3:
“If you take steps backwards, you will want to stop walking”
So you establish a specific, attainable, realistic, and timely goal that is in line with your values, now what?
One of the pieces I purposely left out of the above equation is making your goal “measurable”.
You MUST find ways to measure your progress.
Research shows that measuring progress can increase your self-confidence, motivation to continue, and happiness. On a simple level, take a second and think about why anybody would desire to continue pursuing something that you are not showing improvement or making progress on.
Truth is, they don’t want to continue!
In this day and age, technology can be your friend and help you track progress. Here is a link that will provide apps that help you track progress on numerous types of goals.
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YouTime Coaching provides Life Coaching and Therapeutic Mentoring to individuals and families. YouTime Coaching works side by side with individuals to help create direction, passion, and produce lasting personal and professional change. Together we create an environment for clients that truly delivers the necessary “YOU” time needed to regain focus, motivation, and the desire to grow. Together, we will discover what truly motivates and drives your most successful decisions and behaviors.
YouTime Coaching will help define your goals, support systems, purpose and value to change, help find multiple ways of achieving it, and make the necessary shifts in body, language, and focus to get you there. Through working with a diverse population of clients, YouTime Coaching has successfully helped many adolescents, adults, parents, athletes, and those in the performing arts with building resiliency, motivation, confidence, and lasting personal and professional change.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 7, 2014 | Abuse, Benefit, Fear, Healthy, Positive, Reaction, steps, Tolerate
On Pinterest you can find nearly anything. From wedding ideas, workout routines, recipes, cute animal pictures, to quotes. If I had a specialty on Pinterest it would be finding unique, meaningful, and stimulating quotes to sit down and really think about (maybe even do something about). I know half of the population on social media believes, they are the quote gurus! I say, there can be many gurus.
I came across a quote a while back,
After reading this I thought for a moment about myself and some of the things that I allow to “slide by” throughout my day and week. What really grabbed me though, as seen through the work I do with clients, is that people tolerate very toxic things in their lives.
“Examine what you tolerate”. In other words, take a deeper look at what things you allow to exist, occur, and be done within your own life that you have convinced yourself are for your best interest. i
Individuals choose to tolerate a wide range of things in their lives that are believed to be for your benefit but are actually toxic to your life.
Major “tolerated” toxic events;
- Having friends that put you down
- Being lied to frequently
- Being in a relationship that is abusive (verbal, physical, sexually, and neglectful)
- Negative treatment because “you are not good enough”
- Bullying because “you deserve it”
- Consistently giving up on going to the gym or your diet because it “won’t make a difference”
- Bad habits (tolerated by the individual with the habit and others in their environment)
People tolerate all types of things as result of low self-worth and image, fear of others reactions, fear of “not being good enough”, fear of “the unknown and uncertainty”, the perceived consequences of not tolerating the event, and conditioning to tolerate these events from prior relationships.
This month set-up an appointment with yourself for a real gut check. Ask yourself what types of things do you tolerate that may be limiting you and why do you tolerate them?
We all have our faults, imperfections, bad habits, and things to work on. Let’s start by being your own detective and asking these four questions.
- What are the incredibly obvious things I tolerate in my life right now?
- What are the tougher, more painful, and complicated pieces that you tolerate in your life? (true gut check)
- What is the cost of continuing to tolerate these things?
- What is the benefit of taking steps to stop tolerating these events?
When working on some of the events I have mentioned above you want to be under the supervision of a trained Mental Health Professional. If you feel as though this is the time make some of those changes use the link below.
