by YouTime Coaching | Aug 18, 2014 | Advice, Connections, Dating, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Receive, Relationships
“I don’t feel like picking a girl up at a bar.”
“I always seem to meet a guy that is completely wrong for me.”
“It is such an easy hook up.”
“They didn’t look like their profile picture.”
For those familiar with the online dating scene these thoughts may hit all to close to home. When it comes to trying Plenty of Fish or the recently popularized site Tinder, everyone seems to have such high hopes.
Sure they take the “going out to meet someone” concept out of the equation and match individualizes based on personality, interests and relationship goals, but is this potentially causing more harm than good? This is in no way discounting the healthy and long lasting relationships that have bloomed from online dating, because there are many. Nor is this claiming that online dating is bad, in fact it helps many people connect with individuals they wouldn’t have in the first place.
For perspective sake, could pre-matching individuals be handicapping us by minimizing the real life challenges presented while trying to connect with someone in a less constructed social environment?
Sure, that sounds like a hypothesis for a politically correct research paper, but the real question is “Why does this generation need online dating so bad?”
Reasons I have heard so far:
“I don’t have enough time to go meet somebody.” (very popular one)
“I am not good at hitting on women/guys at a bar.”
“It takes all the middle stuff out.”
Online dating has its purposes, but the perspective I would like to provide you with is how to use online dating principles to improve your non-online dating love life.
PRINCIPLE #1
Proximity Principle
Put simply, things that are closer to each other tend to stay together, get grouped together, and form interpersonal relationships. Tinder uses this technique quite wonderfully by searching for potential matches in your area. To steal some of this effect and apply it without an online dating profile, find local hang outs and places of interests. This could be a coffee shop/cafe, restaurant, parks…etc. Whatever it is, if it is closer to where you work, live, or typically hangout the likelihood of seeing the same people more then once will increase.
PRINCIPLE #2
VULNERABILITY
So you don’t want to share your entire life and baggage on the first date or even first encounter but you do want to create a genuine connection. Online dating allows you put some of that information out there for others to judge whether or not it is in sync with their beliefs, values, and priorities. What you need to do is find that middle ground between “What time is it?” or “Great weather today” with “How many ex-girlfriends/boyfriends do you have” or “I would love to have kids”. There is a time and place for this. Offer a little information that creates a small amount of vulnerability and let them know you are human. For example, when I first started dating my wife I told her that I grew up the middle child of two sisters and that is most likely why I am able to handle “chick-flicks”. I could of been judged on this but instead it was a source of humor and connection.
PRINCIPLE #3
LETS BE FRIENDS
Regardless of your dating goals, it is more than okay to establish “non-romantic” relationships. In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification. Take the time to get to know somebody and establish a foundation to build off of. Sex is one aspect of a relationship and is popular thing for couples to focus on. If you meet somebody out, focus on building a genuine connection and not simply a physical one.
I hope you are able to find these 3 principles useful in your
search for that special somebody.
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 22, 2014 | Communication, Compromise, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Get, Give, Listening, Receive, Relationships, Science
Sure he looks calm, cool, and collective, because he has to be! Former FBI negotiator Gary Noesner explains to us how to get anybody on your side.
There are 6 keys steps that Gary shares with us. It is important to hit all of them as best as you can. If you feel like you can’t manage that (not a big deal and not a simple task at the beginning) than simply tackle a couple that you are confident you can handle.
Step 1:
Don’t Try to Win
In a hostage situation, we never go in saying “We’re gonna wink and this person’s gonna lose.” Its not about getting you to comply with what I want or accept my point of view. It’s about us working together to reach the best agreement we can. A win is a mutual thing.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Your relationship with your spouse, boss, or any other meaningful relationship.
Step 2:Keep Your Emotions In Check
Self-control is essential when trying to influence someone’s decision-making process. If you get angry or display frustration, if your body language says you’re pissed off, you’ve lost already. But if you behave in positive ways, it has a tendency to be mimicked. It’s hard to have a two-way argument when only one person is arguing.
*YouTime Practice Applications*
Once again any meaningful relationships, when you are having a “bad day”, when you need something from somebody.
Interested in the science of mimicking?
Check out this interesting article on mirror neurons.
The Mind’s Mirror – American Psychological Association
Step 3:
Keep Their Emotions In Check
When people are argumentative and raising their voices, what they are really saying is, “I want you to hear me, I’m angry.” So acknowledge that. “You sound like you are really upset.” Slow down and wait to articulate your point of view. Imagine a child’s teeter-totter at an angle: When emotions are high rationality is low. Before you can gain cooperation, you have to lower emotions.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
At the beginning of arguments to establish acceptance, to normalize somebody’s feelings, when you absolutely need people to hear your valid points, and definitely use this you are considered “a bad listener”.
Step 4:
Be a Good Listener
Take the time to understand the other person’s point of view and you’re much more likely to be successful in getting what you want. Be open physically too: Face the person, make good eye contact, be attentive and smile – it’s one of the most powerful influencing tools we know.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Use when speaking with a female (the love listeners) and effective during communicating sensitive topics.
Step 5:
Start Small
If you treat an argument like a zero-sum game, it prevents you from taking a more appropriate intermediate step, which is, let’s find some common areas. Tackle the issue that has the best chance for compromise. Lock that one down, then move on to the more difficult ones, knowing they may not be solvable.
*YouTime Practical Application*
When arguing with “bigger concept” type people, when compromise is what you are looking for, and when the issue you are dealing with is a longer term “process” problem.
Step 6:
Give to Receive
If you demonstrate a willingness to be open and flexible – that you’re willing to meet halfway, that there are aspects of your position you might modify – it puts a burden on them. It’s like saying, “It’s your turn to show that you, too, can be sensible.” Most reasonable, intelligent people will say, “OK, this person has stepped to on the a limb, they’re are willing to work with me. Now I have to show something.”
*YouTime Practical Application*
Use when dealing with reasonable people, somebody that is rigid may not take well to this method. Use if you are communicating to somebody that believes you are a rigid person. Always give to receive, the law of reciprocity is on your side.
*This article was adapted and sourced from Men’s Journal, April 2014. The article was written by Maria Fontoura.
