by Jonathan Wolf | Jun 10, 2020 | Uncategorized
Even a healthy and well-adjusted young person will have their fair share mood swings, moments of pushing back, impulsive decisions, and overall lapses in judgement. This is why parenting a young person consistently takes the top spot in The New York Times’ list of “Top 10 Easiest Professions”… yeaaaa right.
Whether the young person is in middle-school, high-school or college it can sometimes be quite challenging to distinguish between “normal” and “could use some help” (especially these days). So let’s clear a couple things up first regarding “help”.
Yes, unfortunately “getting help” still carries a substantially heavy stigma with it. For instance, it is very easy to assume that when you seek out professional help that something is broken and needs to be fixed. The young person is not broken, and neither are you. Here are a few other stigmas that may keep you and the young person from benefitting from additional support.
Misconceptions about getting help for a high-school or college age young person:
- If I get help, I am weak.
- This means I am crazy.
- (Typically parents) This is a waste of money.
- All you do is talk about my feelings.
- I will get medicated.
- Other people will think it’s (I’m) weird.
Stigmas have the power to not only prevent a young person from getting more specialized support but in many cases can create pretty harmful negative beliefs about who they are, how they are doing, and what their options are to start feeling better.
From the very beginning of the process, YouTime Coaching implements many strategies to combat some of these misconceptions. Here are a couple:
With young people, trust is huge. That is why YouTime Coaching focuses right away on building a safe, secure, and trusting relationship between the young person and their coach. We believe that the young person’s relationship with their coach within the first month will determine much of their success in their work together. The coaches use strategic communication styles, in-between session check-ins, and work hard to create an relaxed judgment free zone.
3. Breaking the “Parent-Young person” Dynamic
Sometimes simply being a parent makes it challenging to talk about the “tough things” with your young person. They see you through the “parent filter”, while you see them through the “young person filter”. YouTime’s Coaches are young, genuinely compassionate, and have the natural ability to connect with young people where it may otherwise be challenging for a parent to break through.
Take a look at www.YouTimeCoach.com to learn more about the process of coaching with young person, parents, and families.
When to get specialized help for a young person?
With the exception of when the young person asks for it, knowing when to seek out help can be challenging. Having some insight to what your young person’s baseline behaviors are can be helpful in assessing their/your need for some extra support. Here are a few things to keep on your radar but keep in mind that simply because you may see a change in these areas does not not necessarily mean your young person is struggling. It just means, keep communicating with them and finding ways to meaningfully connect, all while keeping your finger on the pulse to see if more evidence points to a “would it help it get some support?” talk.
1. LOOK AT THEIR SOCIAL LIFE
(EVEN GIVEN THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES)
Questions to think about:
Has their friend group noticeably changed?
Are they spending a lot more time on their own?
Are they now jumping pretty hard into the party scene?
Is the young person having noticeable challenges in balancing their social life with other areas?
2. COMMUNICATION
Questions to think about:
Has the young person’s communication patterns (language used, frequency, depth) drastically changed?
Is the young person “asking for help” but not necessarily coming right out and saying it?
Do you notice a rapid shift in mood when communicating with the young person?
Are you lost on how to communicate with the young person?
Have others communicated their concerns with you? (friends, teachers, bosses, siblings..etc)
3. ACADEMICS
Questions to think about:
Is there a noticeable drop in grade?
Are you seeing frequent absences or tardiness at school/work?
Have you received concerned communication from teachers?
Is your young person having trouble concentrating/focusing?
*if any young person you’re with has shown open, serious, and/or committed signs of harming themselves or others, please do not hesitate, call 911 and get professional help right away.
Remember, these questions are good starting points to give you a better understanding of what conversations to have with the young person, a professional, or somebody already in their support circle.
At the end of the day, if you still feel like something may be “off” with your kid and need some help to figure out a plan of action, reach out to YouTime Coaching at [email protected], visit the ‘GET HELP NOW‘ page above, or send us a message below.
by YouTime Coaching | Jun 25, 2019 | Advice, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Emotions, Expectations, Failure, parenting, parents, Uncategorized
The gymnastics of raising a child is one of the most memorable and rewarding experiences even when the role of being a parent challenges us to the core. Reactive Parenting is a direct response to those challenges.
Parenting is unique as it tests your boundaries on a daily basis and those tests frequently evolve. As a kid develops from infancy through adolescence and early adulthood, they will provide a parent with plenty of opportunities to carve out their own style of handling all that is thrown at them.
The way that a parent communicates and interacts with their child can affect their overall functioning and development in a multitude of ways. While there are pros and cons to various existing parenting techniques, one of the most detrimental is reactive parenting. Keep in mind that parents exhibit a variety of parenting styles and this is not an “all or nothing” discussion. We are talking about when reactive parenting dominates the household, drives most of the interactions, and is (for whatever reason) the most frequent “go to” response.
Reactive parenting is where a parent, acts on
their emotions when responding to a child’s
behavior.
This often times results in interactions fueled by anger, aggression, irritation, and hostility. Some examples of reactive parenting include using the phrases, “Stop” or “Right. We will not be going to/doing that” or constantly using commanding language like “Do/don’t do that”. These types of interactions will find their way into day to day life with a child and in some cases are necessary.
As someone who was born in 1985, I am very aware of the “snowflake” argument. Some parents attempt to raise their kids without reprimanding them, avoiding the use of words such as “no” or “bad (girl/boy)”. While the solution in many minds is likely quite simple, the problems are typically a little more complex. Parents verbalizing criticisms will not disappear any time soon and this is not inherently the problem. Projecting you’re own anger, impatience, and frustrations onto a child is an issues that falls in-line with reactive parenting and will usually come with direct side effects. So, what are some of the reasons for why a parent might be more reactive instead of proactive in their approach to parenting?
Three reasons for being prone to reactive parenting:
- Feeling overwhelmed
One of the most frequent things you hear from new parents is that there is a severe lack of sleep. Now that the kids are a little more grown up it doesn’t mean that things like work, relationships, money, or other sources of stress won’t interrupt your sleep cycle. Lack of sleep is a huge contributor to stress and anxiety.
Just think of visiting a friend who just got a puppy. It small, fuzzy, cuddly, cute and screams, “take me home” with their eyes. Suddenly, it pees on the ground. Do you, A) Point your finger at it and yell “bad dog” and stick their nose in it, B) Hit and yell at the puppy, C) Not get angry, because after all it’s not your house, not your puppy, and not your problem. So you just let the owner know what happened (please choose “C”). You are able to do this because you are able to separate yourself from the emotions around the puppy having an accident. You create space for objectivity. Also, keep in mind that the catalyst for being stressed/overwhelmed could be something unrelated to your kid (but your kid won’t know this).
2. H.A.L.T.: Feeling Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and/or Tiredness
The H.A.L.T. strategy can help identify times where you need to take a step back, create some space, satisfy an underlying need, and re-approach more strategically. When you first wake up, come home from work, had a late night, had an argument (you get it), simply ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If so, find a way to meet that need before moving forward with any other major decisions, conversations, or interactions.
3. Negatively reinforced learned behavior from other parental figures
This is just one of the reasons why reactive parenting is so detrimental to child behavior. The parent-child relationship is the first major relationship to develop in a child’s life and shapes the child’s perspective of what healthy relationships should look like. You are a parent, but at one point was a child with parents that had particular parenting styles. Sometimes particular behaviors are replicated when that was what you were raised like, while others are sometimes overcompensated to “prevent” feelings that you had growing up. These forces that impact our behaviors or sometimes invisible to us, so take a second to think about how your biography is shaping your child’s prologue.
Reactive parenting could lead children into thinking that negative and even abusive relationships are normal when they really are not. Children learn a substantial amount of how the world works and how they should behave in the world from their parents. Therefore, parents who use reactive parenting are teaching their children that reacting with anger and frustration towards their children is the correct way to parent.
Curious about your parenting style? Try Psych Central’s Parenting Style Quiz HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by Jonathan Wolf | Apr 29, 2019 | Uncategorized
CBD oil and the Kardashian’s have something in common, they both get a lot of press. With that press coverage, it leaves many families sifting through tons of articles, trying to find some reliable information. Typically when we are searching for answers with some pre-established knowledge about what the options out there are (especially when some of the other options have come up short), we sometimes fall prey to a common cognitive bias.
Confirmation Bias: a tendency for people to actively search out information that aligns and confirms their preconceptions.
I’ll give you two reasons why this cognitive error can be harmful in making decisions related to treatment options for ADHD.
- When falling prey to the confirmation bias you will typically give weight and value to the information that aligns with your preconceptions (regardless of what that information is really saying).
- While in the grasp of the confirmation bias you will typically discount and minimize information that contradicts your preconceptions (even if that information is important/valuable/necessary).
Cannabidiol Oil (aka CBD Oil) is a product coming from the marijuana plant. There are many compounds (more than 85) in the cannabis plant, but CBD oil is one that is receiving a lot of enthusiasm. In some cases, it should. In others, we are leaping way beyond what is being presented in the data.
Want less arguing, better communication, and more smiles to go around with your child? Check out YouTime’s parenting model, The Rise Method. Completely free, just throw your email in below.
The Research…
Typically this section starts by saying, “research on CBD Oil is relatively new”. When searching for answers to your own ADHD symptoms or somebody else’s, that is not what you want to see.
John Mitchell, PhD, a research from the Duke ADHD Program says,
“When parents or adults look into CBD oil for someone with ADHD it’s not just that there’s a lack of evidence out there right now. There have been no treatment studies. There are no randomized trials that show it works, and there are other treatment options available for kids and adults with ADHD. These are unregulated products. If there are not well-regulated products, how do we know that we’re really getting what’s being advertised?”
Read in more detail here:
https://chadd.org/attention-article/cbd-oil-for-adhd/
or download the PDF here:
by Jonathan Wolf | Oct 13, 2018 | Anxiety, Communication, parenting, Teenagers, Uncategorized
Working with teenagers is great. One day, we are discussing their struggles in class or playing time on their sports team. Other days it’s how their parents are mad at them for smoking weed, vaping, playing too much Fortnite, or not putting enough energy into school work. As parents, I’m sure being a little more like Buddha in how we communicate with our kids could have great payoffs.
The way we communicate with a 5-year-old is much different than that of a 12-year-old. While this may not be up for debate, many parents get the urge to “amp up” the pressure once high-school starts. In sessions, kids tell me their parents are constantly telling them, “this is when it really starts to count”, “you need to really buckle down on studying and apply yourself”, “colleges will see this”, and “you really need to set yourself apart from others”.
To simplify things, there are two types of pressure when it comes to kids. “Actual pressure” is expressed through more overt actions like telling your child that they need to get particular grades in school or telling them they need to participate in a certain activity even if they don’t enjoy it. “Perceived pressure” is when a kid sees their successful parent and feels the need follow in their footsteps, regardless of what you may be telling them.
Inherently, the pressure is neither good or bad, but how we communicate our messages can be the defining factors. There is a teaching in Buddhism known as, “The Four Elements of Right Speech”. Using them as a guideline to communicate with your teen or young adult can help you shift from a place of defensiveness and anger to a place of patience and understanding.
The Four Elements of Right Speech:
1. Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside down.
I’ve found in my practice that parents tend to either lean towards being the, “I’m going to lay it all out there and tell it straight up” type of truth-telling parent or the, “I don’t want to hurt them so I’ll either minimize it or not mention anything at all” type of parent.
Communicating the truth to your kid can frequently be seen as conflict and that will immediately make a person go into “conflict mode”
(have your own conflict mode assessment done by YouTime Coaching here). Telling the truth is crucial but doing so in a skillful and compassionate way is paramount. Check yourself before communicating the truth to your kid and make sure you are doing so in a way that doesn’t make your kid feel threatened, so they can have the ability to listen.
2. Don’t exaggerate.
Kids always seem to be slipping up and making mistakes. Sometimes (yes, even you!), the mistake is made into some much more worse than it actually may be. When parents do this they are typically trying to justify their own anger.
Exaggerating mistakes paints a very specific image for your kid to see themselves through. In many cases, it can affect their self-image. Like with many aspects of parenting, the impact may be unintentional but it can quickly affect trust within the relationship (on both sides). Again, check yourself and your own emotions before communicating with your kid.
3. Be consistent.
“You did it when you were my age!”
Parents LOVE telling their teenagers what they can’t do. “You are not allowed to drink, smoke weed, and you need to do well in school”. Those same parents typically can turn around and reminisce with their significant other about the times they went to parties in high-school or got in trouble for staying out too late. The things you did at their age are not an open invitation for them to participate but it is a point of reference you need to consider in order to handle the situation.
“You let (insert brother or sister’s name) do it!”
Teenagers and young adults love making comparisons and while treating each child the same is literally impossible keeping some consistency between siblings is important. Sometimes this may come down to communication and explaining why certain siblings get different treatment. Just keep in mind that having a base of “this goes for everyone”, is very important for parents.
For teens, the inconsistencies are typically seen as a conflict. It creates a division between parents and kids. Be consistent in how you communicate your concerns and praises.
4. Use “smart” language.
Take two seconds and think about how your parents spoke to you when you were a teenager. What ways made you angry, sad, or happy? It is pretty crazy how quickly we forget this when communicating to your own child. “Smart” language functions through choosing the words and a tone that will help your kid stay open to discussion rather than being argumentative and going into shut down mode. “Smart” language means not using insulting, cruel, abusive, or condemning words when speaking with your kid.
Again, remind yourself that most (not all) of the issues you are dealing with as parents are situations that need to be managed and not problems that can be just solved. Choose your actual words wisely.
Remember:
Teens are typically self-critical with rampant negative self-talk. The communicate tips above will help prevent you, as a parent, from layering on more criticism and judgment which usually puts your kid in a state that is not efficient for any type of productivity. Keep in mind that you still model to your child how to handle emotions. Remember that the first to yell loses the fight and that these strategies are used to support your child in their own self-improvement.
by YouTime Coaching | Jan 19, 2018 | Uncategorized
This will be short and sweet. How many times have you heard a parent say, “Are you even listening?”. Getting a kid to listen can be like pulling teeth, but maybe therein lies the problem. “Getting them” to listen implies an effort to change something about them when the solution could be all about you.
One of the issues that ALWAYS comes up with clients and their families is communication. Communication is a monster topic and can get very complex at times, so we will stick to focusing on one area…
Before we take the plunge into this, ask yourself the following questions (whichever are applicable to your situation)
Is communicating with your 13 year old the same as communicating with them when they are 21?
Do you listen with the intent to respond? (be honest)
Are you aware of how your kid responds to your approaches when it comes to talking about particularly tough topics?
Today’s focus, how communication needs to change and evolve as your kid matures, changes and moves through different stages in life.
There may be more to why your child isn’t listening, check out YouTime Coaching’s blog,
Why Aren’t You Listening? to see what else may be going on between their ears.
Earlier this week I had a phone call with a client’s parents. He is 25 and trying to be more financially independent but the family is not used to this being the reality. As he makes progress (got a job, paying rent…etc), he still feels as though his parents have no confidence in him. While this individual already struggles with his own self-confidence, the parents won’t get the full finger-pointing here. What they did get is a lesson in how communication needs to evolve as your child evolves as well. What they didn’t realize is that their communication was telling their son, “I have no confidence in your ability to do this.”. This was not at all their intention, actually the opposite. The efforts to improve communication begin.
The concept of evolving communication with your child as they grow up can be quite foreign to parents. With a little effort and thought put into it, things can be much easier while also supporting your child through these changes. Here is some advice for evolving your communication with your child.
First, do some perspective taking from their shoes.
They have a unique perspective. Think about all the possible ways your child could misinterpret your comments. They hear what you’re saying but their inner dialogue filters the message. Everybody has narratives (storylines) for how they believe things work in this world. Usually, narratives come from previous experiences. These narratives are a filter between you and your child and keep in mind, they change. Step into their world for a few moments before engaging in meaningful communication.
Second, promote confidence and self-efficacy.
Parents are frequently one of the main sources of inner-confidence for a child. They learn from you, listen to you, and then their undeveloped brains try to make sense of it all. When you are speaking with your child about their goals or important changes they are experiencing, find ways to communicate your confidence in them. This will empower your child and when a kid feels empowered they are more likely to be more motivated and continue these positive behaviors.
Yes, you are parents, but this does not mean that your reactions, responses, and communication styles aren’t a culmination of your own upbringing. If you expect your child to “dig deeper” than you should be learning more about the origin of your own patterns. Take a closer look at your own shit and baggage, and identify how it may affect communication with your child. Do you get frequently frustrated, yell, or just like to avoid conflict at all costs (don’t worry you are not alone)? Know your own influencers and patterns as an insight to your kids, and be more skillful in your approach to communication with them.
