by YouTime Coaching | May 19, 2017 | Advice, Appreciation, Behavior, Benefit, boundaries, Children, Communication, Direction, Dreams, Growth, Human Needs, Insight, Kids, parenting, parents, Positive Psychology, positive reinforcement, Support, Teenagers, Understanding
Kids can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Harsh words? Maybe. One thing is for sure though, those words are definitely filled to the brim with truth… harsh truth. This isn’t taking away from your unconditional love for them, it’s simply acknowledging that kids can sometimes do things that are very tough to love.
This is why parents turn to advice from others, seek out simple solutions, and time hacks. Sometimes it isn’t all that easy and you give into your frustrations, irritations, and anger. As parents, you are teachers, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS YOUR KID DOES NOT WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU. Because the eyes are always on you, the advice you get absolutely needs to be solid.
YouTime Coaching’s extensive work with high-school and college students along with all of the hours worth of support for parents has allowed us to understand some keys elements in how to be a great teacher for your child even during those tough times. When it comes down to it, a child wants to understand, perceive they have some control, and feel supported in a non-judgmental way.
The hardest times to be a “good teacher” with your kids? (never thought you’d ask!)
Just to mention a few:
- when setting boundaries
- when you are angry, frustrated, or irritated (and sometimes hungry)
- when parents are on different pages
- when you feel as though your child is not listening
- when “nothing else seems to work”
- when your kid is an adolescent
- anytime
We don’t want you to be good teachers… we want you to be in many cases the kind of teacher “you wish you had growing up”, the kind of teacher that is more emotionally available than some families had in previous generations, and most importantly we want you to be the type of teacher that not only shows but explains the benefits in learning from failures, how to be compassionate to yourself and others, and have enough awareness/knowledge about what they are doing and why they are doing it.
For these reasons and with an entire year of putting together some of the most effective researched methods of teaching, motivation, and human behavior we have creating the “R.I.S.E. Method of Parent Teaching”.
The premise behind the acronym “R.I.S.E.” is for parents to use the powers of awareness, communication, non-judgmental support, and compassion as a way to elevate their parenting and ultimately their relationship with their child.
Use can use this method while trying to set boundaries with your children, teach them important lessons, disciplining (btw before disciplining your kid read this amazing article, https://www.verywell.com/what-is-child-discipline-620113), and even just trying to improve your communication with them.
Remember, punishment is easy, discipline is hard. Implementing this method may be challenging and outside your comfort zone, if you need some guidance please drop us a line!
DOWNLOAD THE R.I.S.E. METHOD HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | Dec 7, 2016 | Academics, Attitudes, Behavioral Change, Change, Children, Communication, Direction, Life Coaching, Mental Health, parenting, parents, Problems, Self-Change, Self-Esteem, social problems, Stigma, Teenagers, Therapy, Trust |
Even a healthy and well-adjusted young person will have their fair share mood swings, moments of pushing back, impulsive decisions, and overall lapses in judgement. This is why parenting a young person consistently takes the top spot in The New York Times’ list of “Top 10 Easiest Professions”… yeaaaa right.
Whether the young person is in high-school or college it can sometimes be quite challenging to distinguish between “normal” and “could use some help”. So let’s clear a couple things up first regarding “help”.
Stigma.
Yes, unfortunately “getting help” still carries a substantially heavy stigma with it. For instance, it is very easy to assume that when you seek out professional help that something is broken and needs to be fixed. The young person is not broken, and neither are you. Here are a few other stigmas that may keep you and the young person from benefiting from additional support.
Misconceptions about getting help for a high-school/college age young person:
- If I get help, I am weak.
- This means I am crazy.
- (Typically parents) This is a waste of money.
- All you do is talk about my feelings.
- I will get medicated.
- Other people will think it’s (I’m) weird.
Stigmas have the power to not only prevent a young person from getting more specialized support but in many cases can create pretty harmful negative beliefs about who they are, how they are doing, and what their options are to start feeling better.
From the very beginning of the process, YouTime Coaching implements many strategies to combat some of these misconceptions. Here are a couple:
Trust Trust Trust:
With young people, trust is huge. That is why YouTime Coaching focuses right away on building a safe, secure, and trusting relationship between the young person and their coach. We believe that the young person’s relationship with their coach within the first month will determine much of their success in their work together. The coaches use strategic communication styles, in-between session check-ins, and work hard to create an relaxed judgment free zone.
Breaking the “Parent-Young person” Dynamic:
Sometimes simply being a parent makes it challenging to talk about the “tough things” with your young person. They see you through the “parent filter”, while you see them through the “young person filter”. YouTime’s Coaches are young, genuinely compassionate, and have the natural ability to connect with young people where it may otherwise be challenging for a parent to break through.
Take a look at www.YouTimeCoach.com to learn more about the process of coaching with young person, parents, and families.
When to get specialized help for your young person?
With the exception of when the young person asks for it, knowing when to seek out help can be challenging. Having some insight to what your young person’s baseline behaviors are can be helpful in assessing their/your need for some extra support. Here are a few things to keep on your radar but keep in mind that simply because you may see a change in these areas does not not necessarily mean your young person is struggling. It just means, keep communicating with them and finding ways to meaningfully connect, all while keeping your finger on the pulse to see if more evidence points to a “would it help it get some support?” talk.
- Their social life.
Questions to think about:
Has their friend group noticeably changed?
Are they spending a lot more time on their own?
Are they now jumping pretty hard into the party scene?
Is the young person having noticeable challenges in balancing their social life with other areas?
- Communication.
Questions to think about:
Has the young person’s communication patterns (language used, frequency, depth) drastically changed?
Is the young person “asking for help” but not necessarily coming right out and saying it?
Do you notice a rapid shift in mood when communicating with the young person?
Are you lost on how to communicate with the young person?
Have others communicated their concerns with you? (friends, teachers, bosses, siblings..etc)
- Academics.
Questions to think about:
Is there a noticeable drop in grade?
Are you seeing frequent absences or tardiness at school/work?
Have you received concerned communication from teachers?
Is your young person having trouble concentrating/focusing?
*if any young person you’re with has shown open, serious, and/or committed signs of harming themselves or others, please do not hesitate, call 911 and get professional help right away.
Remember, these questions are good starting points to give you a better understanding of what conversations to have with the young person, a professional, or somebody already in their support circle.
At the end of the day, if you still feel like something may be “off” with your kid and need to further figure out a plan of action, reach out to YouTime Coaching at [email protected].
by YouTime Coaching | Jan 16, 2013 | Action, Anxiety, Arguments, Attitudes, Certainty, Confidence, Direction, Fear, Fighting, steps, Success
Chapter 2: The Fight
Recap from Chapter 1: “Intro to Fighting” & “The Approach”
1. Arguing only has the POTENTIAL to cause negative outcomes
2. The Approach is the most important aspect of the argument.
3. The Approach directly influences the outcome of the argument.
4. The mental and physiological state you are in prior to the argument will direct the fight.
5. If you are in a state that will undermine your desired outcome of the argument you need a “jarring”.
6. Try the “Opponent Appreciation” and “Movie Theater Effect” techniques to create a more resourceful state and get the result you desire.
Chapter 2: The Fight
Arguing can be an extremely toxic event for any relationship or create an important opportunity for growth. The difference between heading down these two opposing pathways is monumental to relationships. The difference in these two paths can be found in just a handful of decisions.
This blog is to help you navigate how to experience growth, increase closeness, heightened intimacy, and developing feelings of accomplishment through an argument.
Challenge: Your Relationship to Fighting
Take a second to right down some words that you associate with arguing. These words may be negative, positive, seem unrelated, or from direct experience. You may see fighting as a defense mechanism, a way for you to connect with others, or possibly a tactic that makes you feel important and noticed.
The importance of this exercise is to discover what cognitive relationships you associate to arguments and fighting. Once you recognize if your connection is positive or negative you can begin to witness its effects on “The Approach” and now how to change these limiting beliefs for “The Fight”
Definition
Limiting Belief: (noun) Thoughts and Beliefs that are manifested consciously or subconsciously that serve as obstacles and barriers to a desired or healthy behavior/decision.
“The Fight” is the ACTION stage within this whole process and where most people use their own style to out-perform their opponent and reign victorious.
The problem is developed because these “styles” that people use in their arguments are developed from typically subconscious feelings and can easily be expressed irrationally, untimely, and at your partners expense.
Our goal here is to develop arguing skills that will allow us to experience healthy growth, connection, certainty, and significance.
“Top 5 Rules to Successful Arguing”
1.Stay on Task
One of the biggest mistakes individuals make in arguing is that they do not stay on task. Understand what you are arguing about and keep this in mind with each point you bring up. When you feel like you are drifting away from the main topic, take second to regroup and jump back in. The last thing you want to be doing is yelling about who left the lights on, when the actual argument is about calling to say you will be home late.
2. Use “I” Statements
Let’s face it, humans typically get defensive very quickly and on a large scale. No female wants to feel like a piece of property, while no man wants to feel completely bossed around. When addressing personal preferences and perspectives start your statement with, “I feel as though vs. You always” in order to convey (on a conscious and subconscious level) that you understand this may not be the case BUT this is how it makes you feel.
3. Cool-off
Under no circumstance should anybody be yelling. If it has reached this point, neither of you are being heard, there will be no winner (your relationship will suffer), you are negatively affecting those around you, and the argument has reached the toxic zone. If you feel as though you are going to yell it is completely permissible to say “This is a very important conversation and do think it is necessary to talk about it, but I need to take a couple minutes to regroup”.
4. Be Quiet
Upwards of 90% of communication is non-verbal and if you don’t silence that yapper for a portion of the argument, you will miss all the important cues. Allow the other person to speak freely without interruption (this may be challenging, but that is normal). Listen to their points and much more importantly, how it makes them feel.
Isn’t it the most frustrating thing in the world when you begin fighting with somebody who “loves to argue”. Quickly identify if you are one of those people. Do you contest, argue, and disagree with a high percentage of things around you? If so, keep this close to mind when arguing, because you are at higher risk of not “staying on task”. If you are one of these people, you tend to see your way and throw up the blinders for any other perspectives. Be flexible, honest, and open during argument.
Stay tuned next week for Part III of,
“The Science of an Argument”
Chapters 3-4: “The Resolution” and “The Aftermath”
Best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
YouTime Coaching
www.YouTimeCoach.com
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 22, 2012 | Action, Anxiety, Beliefs, Certainty, Direction, Doc Wayne, Human Needs, Jobs, Mindset, Results, Tony Robbins |
Remember when graduating from a College or University was a big deal for you and your family?
A decade later a belief that getting a Master’s degree was the new undergraduate degree?
And now, is getting a Doctorate the new norm?
The point is, WE DO NOT KNOW.
All of the assumptions about job certainty, salary, and the freedom to find enjoyable employment are up in the air with whatever degree you have. I was just forwarded the other day an article about how there is a massive increase in PhD level individuals that are receiving food stamps!
That screams uncertainty.
Last time I checked, “Certainty” was one of our 6 Humans Needs that we constantly try to fulfill.
When individuals, like you and I, do not have Certainty we have a higher tendency to be anxious, fearful, and stressed, which will very rarely help you find a job.
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| In the interview, notice how much focus is on Growth and Contribution for Becky. |
Today I want to share with you an great example of a success story.
Her name is Rebekah and she has a job she loves. Rebekah and I sat down for a wonderful interview about her search for meaningful employment, how tough it was, her mindset going into the experience, and what results she saw. ENJOY!
Keep this quote in mind as you read the interview with Becky:
“When you know somebody’s strategy, you can duplicate ANYTHING great that has ever been done”
– Tony Robbins, Peak Performance Strategist
YouTime: Becky, you graduated from Boston University with a Master’s degree in Counseling with a specialization in Sport Psychology, did you believe finding a job would be an easy task?
Becky: Well, while I was in school I thought it would be easy but as I started hearing from professors, advisers, and peers that finding a job in the Sport Psychology field was very tough and that you would need to develop your own niche, I began to think twice.
YouTime: So after getting some of that feedback, how did it affect your mindset and beliefs about finding employment after graduation?
Becky: It was important that I stayed positive but had to be realistic about what I was about to dive into. The realistic part allowed me to go outside of getting the “perfect job”. I started to think of different types of jobs that I would be willing to work at. In the end, this helped widen my scope of possibilities.
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| Seem all too familiar? |
YouTime: After you shifted your mindset and beliefs to being more positive and realistic, how did the job search actually play out?
Becky: It was a lot of work. I spent a lot of time connecting with the resources around me, friends, family, old colleagues, LinkedIn, and online job sites to find opportunities. I put in a lot of time doing searches, sending out materials, and following up.
YouTime: It sounds like you took a lot of action.
Becky: After school I was ready to move on to work and it definitely helped motivate me.
YouTime: So what kind of results did you see from the work you put in?
Becky: I had 5 interviews in 5 days and got a job within a month of graduating. I ultimately found the job on Craigslist.
YouTime: Those are some pretty impressive results! I am sure it felt great to have all your hard work pay off.
Becky: It definitely did. It was funny, I had to choose between a few different opportunities and decided to take a job I was supposedly “over-qualified” for and payed the least.
YouTime: What motivated you to make that decision?
Becky: When I went for the interview and found out more details about the job, which was a position in an all girls residential facility, I knew that I could help these kids without even meeting them. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew a could contribute something great to their lives. It worked out great, this is how I connected with Doc Wayne and began working for them.
YouTime: Now you are the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League and have such an integral role in many youth’s lives. That must be very rewarding. Do you feel as though the role at Doc Wayne allows you to grow as an individual?
Becky: Before coming here I didn’t know my strengths as well and I didn’t have much self-confidence. I felt like I was just one person in a group of people with the same skills and strengths. Doc Wayne has helped me find my specialization in working with people and my strengths (once fears) of public speaking, working with trauma victims, and adolescent girls. When I was told I would be the “voice of the kids” the anxiety of public speaking left and I knew now that I had to advocate for them.
This is Becky, somebody who truly believes in their work.
What we can learn from Becky, her mindset, and experience is:
1. Your beliefs will directly impact your results
2. A massive amount of action must be taken
3. A shift in beliefs may be necessary to reach your outcome.
4. Look for something you enjoy, just because you are good at it doesn’t mean you will enjoy it.
5. Understand how it helps you grow and contribute outside of yourself.
- Neglect/Abuse Victims
- Under-served Kids
- Sexually Exploited and Trafficked Kids
- Impoverished Kids
- Mentally Ill kids
- Differently-Abled
- Truant Kids
Rebekah Conway Roulier, Ed.M. is the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League, Inc. a 501 (c)(3) and is responsible for sports programs and training of coaches in current and future markets, the enhancement of the organization’s do the good (DtG) therapeutic curriculum and management of the monitoring and evaluation systems. She comes to the Doc Wayne with an Ed.M. in Counseling with a Specialization in Sport Psychology and with extensive experience in coaching and work in youth services.
Rebekah has a B.A and Ed.M. from Boston University. Rebekah’s work with victims of complex trauma and underserved children includes experience in a residential treatment center, a position as an identity building consultant, and instructor for a positive psychology and sports program serving children and adolescents in the California juvenile justice system. She recently presented at The Northeast Atlantic Sport Psychology Conference (Philadelphia, PA) on “The Use of Sport in the Behavioral Health Treatment of Youth,” was a panelist on “Young Minds Behind Bars: The State of Mental Health Care within the Juvenile Justice System” sponsored by Wheelock College and presented on the ethics of sport at Moving Traditions Celebr8-U Conference.
