by YouTime Coaching | Jan 16, 2013 | Action, Anxiety, Arguments, Attitudes, Certainty, Confidence, Direction, Fear, Fighting, steps, Success
Chapter 2: The Fight
Recap from Chapter 1: “Intro to Fighting” & “The Approach”
1. Arguing only has the POTENTIAL to cause negative outcomes
2. The Approach is the most important aspect of the argument.
3. The Approach directly influences the outcome of the argument.
4. The mental and physiological state you are in prior to the argument will direct the fight.
5. If you are in a state that will undermine your desired outcome of the argument you need a “jarring”.
6. Try the “Opponent Appreciation” and “Movie Theater Effect” techniques to create a more resourceful state and get the result you desire.
Chapter 2: The Fight
Arguing can be an extremely toxic event for any relationship or create an important opportunity for growth. The difference between heading down these two opposing pathways is monumental to relationships. The difference in these two paths can be found in just a handful of decisions.
This blog is to help you navigate how to experience growth, increase closeness, heightened intimacy, and developing feelings of accomplishment through an argument.
Challenge: Your Relationship to Fighting
Take a second to right down some words that you associate with arguing. These words may be negative, positive, seem unrelated, or from direct experience. You may see fighting as a defense mechanism, a way for you to connect with others, or possibly a tactic that makes you feel important and noticed.
The importance of this exercise is to discover what cognitive relationships you associate to arguments and fighting. Once you recognize if your connection is positive or negative you can begin to witness its effects on “The Approach” and now how to change these limiting beliefs for “The Fight”
Definition
Limiting Belief: (noun) Thoughts and Beliefs that are manifested consciously or subconsciously that serve as obstacles and barriers to a desired or healthy behavior/decision.
“The Fight” is the ACTION stage within this whole process and where most people use their own style to out-perform their opponent and reign victorious.
The problem is developed because these “styles” that people use in their arguments are developed from typically subconscious feelings and can easily be expressed irrationally, untimely, and at your partners expense.
Our goal here is to develop arguing skills that will allow us to experience healthy growth, connection, certainty, and significance.
“Top 5 Rules to Successful Arguing”
1.Stay on Task
One of the biggest mistakes individuals make in arguing is that they do not stay on task. Understand what you are arguing about and keep this in mind with each point you bring up. When you feel like you are drifting away from the main topic, take second to regroup and jump back in. The last thing you want to be doing is yelling about who left the lights on, when the actual argument is about calling to say you will be home late.
2. Use “I” Statements
Let’s face it, humans typically get defensive very quickly and on a large scale. No female wants to feel like a piece of property, while no man wants to feel completely bossed around. When addressing personal preferences and perspectives start your statement with, “I feel as though vs. You always” in order to convey (on a conscious and subconscious level) that you understand this may not be the case BUT this is how it makes you feel.
3. Cool-off
Under no circumstance should anybody be yelling. If it has reached this point, neither of you are being heard, there will be no winner (your relationship will suffer), you are negatively affecting those around you, and the argument has reached the toxic zone. If you feel as though you are going to yell it is completely permissible to say “This is a very important conversation and do think it is necessary to talk about it, but I need to take a couple minutes to regroup”.
4. Be Quiet
Upwards of 90% of communication is non-verbal and if you don’t silence that yapper for a portion of the argument, you will miss all the important cues. Allow the other person to speak freely without interruption (this may be challenging, but that is normal). Listen to their points and much more importantly, how it makes them feel.
Isn’t it the most frustrating thing in the world when you begin fighting with somebody who “loves to argue”. Quickly identify if you are one of those people. Do you contest, argue, and disagree with a high percentage of things around you? If so, keep this close to mind when arguing, because you are at higher risk of not “staying on task”. If you are one of these people, you tend to see your way and throw up the blinders for any other perspectives. Be flexible, honest, and open during argument.
Stay tuned next week for Part III of,
“The Science of an Argument”
Chapters 3-4: “The Resolution” and “The Aftermath”
Best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
YouTime Coaching
www.YouTimeCoach.com
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 22, 2012 | Action, Anxiety, Beliefs, Certainty, Direction, Doc Wayne, Human Needs, Jobs, Mindset, Results, Tony Robbins |
Remember when graduating from a College or University was a big deal for you and your family?
A decade later a belief that getting a Master’s degree was the new undergraduate degree?
And now, is getting a Doctorate the new norm?
The point is, WE DO NOT KNOW.
All of the assumptions about job certainty, salary, and the freedom to find enjoyable employment are up in the air with whatever degree you have. I was just forwarded the other day an article about how there is a massive increase in PhD level individuals that are receiving food stamps!
That screams uncertainty.
Last time I checked, “Certainty” was one of our 6 Humans Needs that we constantly try to fulfill.
When individuals, like you and I, do not have Certainty we have a higher tendency to be anxious, fearful, and stressed, which will very rarely help you find a job.
 |
| In the interview, notice how much focus is on Growth and Contribution for Becky. |
Today I want to share with you an great example of a success story.
Her name is Rebekah and she has a job she loves. Rebekah and I sat down for a wonderful interview about her search for meaningful employment, how tough it was, her mindset going into the experience, and what results she saw. ENJOY!
Keep this quote in mind as you read the interview with Becky:
“When you know somebody’s strategy, you can duplicate ANYTHING great that has ever been done”
– Tony Robbins, Peak Performance Strategist
YouTime: Becky, you graduated from Boston University with a Master’s degree in Counseling with a specialization in Sport Psychology, did you believe finding a job would be an easy task?
Becky: Well, while I was in school I thought it would be easy but as I started hearing from professors, advisers, and peers that finding a job in the Sport Psychology field was very tough and that you would need to develop your own niche, I began to think twice.
YouTime: So after getting some of that feedback, how did it affect your mindset and beliefs about finding employment after graduation?
Becky: It was important that I stayed positive but had to be realistic about what I was about to dive into. The realistic part allowed me to go outside of getting the “perfect job”. I started to think of different types of jobs that I would be willing to work at. In the end, this helped widen my scope of possibilities.
 |
| Seem all too familiar? |
YouTime: After you shifted your mindset and beliefs to being more positive and realistic, how did the job search actually play out?
Becky: It was a lot of work. I spent a lot of time connecting with the resources around me, friends, family, old colleagues, LinkedIn, and online job sites to find opportunities. I put in a lot of time doing searches, sending out materials, and following up.
YouTime: It sounds like you took a lot of action.
Becky: After school I was ready to move on to work and it definitely helped motivate me.
YouTime: So what kind of results did you see from the work you put in?
Becky: I had 5 interviews in 5 days and got a job within a month of graduating. I ultimately found the job on Craigslist.
YouTime: Those are some pretty impressive results! I am sure it felt great to have all your hard work pay off.
Becky: It definitely did. It was funny, I had to choose between a few different opportunities and decided to take a job I was supposedly “over-qualified” for and payed the least.
YouTime: What motivated you to make that decision?
Becky: When I went for the interview and found out more details about the job, which was a position in an all girls residential facility, I knew that I could help these kids without even meeting them. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew a could contribute something great to their lives. It worked out great, this is how I connected with Doc Wayne and began working for them.
YouTime: Now you are the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League and have such an integral role in many youth’s lives. That must be very rewarding. Do you feel as though the role at Doc Wayne allows you to grow as an individual?
Becky: Before coming here I didn’t know my strengths as well and I didn’t have much self-confidence. I felt like I was just one person in a group of people with the same skills and strengths. Doc Wayne has helped me find my specialization in working with people and my strengths (once fears) of public speaking, working with trauma victims, and adolescent girls. When I was told I would be the “voice of the kids” the anxiety of public speaking left and I knew now that I had to advocate for them.
This is Becky, somebody who truly believes in their work.
What we can learn from Becky, her mindset, and experience is:
1. Your beliefs will directly impact your results
2. A massive amount of action must be taken
3. A shift in beliefs may be necessary to reach your outcome.
4. Look for something you enjoy, just because you are good at it doesn’t mean you will enjoy it.
5. Understand how it helps you grow and contribute outside of yourself.
- Neglect/Abuse Victims
- Under-served Kids
- Sexually Exploited and Trafficked Kids
- Impoverished Kids
- Mentally Ill kids
- Differently-Abled
- Truant Kids
Rebekah Conway Roulier, Ed.M. is the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League, Inc. a 501 (c)(3) and is responsible for sports programs and training of coaches in current and future markets, the enhancement of the organization’s do the good (DtG) therapeutic curriculum and management of the monitoring and evaluation systems. She comes to the Doc Wayne with an Ed.M. in Counseling with a Specialization in Sport Psychology and with extensive experience in coaching and work in youth services.
Rebekah has a B.A and Ed.M. from Boston University. Rebekah’s work with victims of complex trauma and underserved children includes experience in a residential treatment center, a position as an identity building consultant, and instructor for a positive psychology and sports program serving children and adolescents in the California juvenile justice system. She recently presented at The Northeast Atlantic Sport Psychology Conference (Philadelphia, PA) on “The Use of Sport in the Behavioral Health Treatment of Youth,” was a panelist on “Young Minds Behind Bars: The State of Mental Health Care within the Juvenile Justice System” sponsored by Wheelock College and presented on the ethics of sport at Moving Traditions Celebr8-U Conference.
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 18, 2012 | Action, Attitudes, Beliefs, Change, Failure, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Results, Self-Esteem, Success
Are you programmed for success or failure?
Lets get started:
Phase 1:
What are beliefs?
How do we create our belief system?
Lets begin with a simple definition of the word belief. For the purpose of how we will use the word, the definition of belief is,
a FEELING of ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that something is TRUE.
I hope I made it clear enough that there are three major factors in defining a belief.
1. It is a feeling
2. You are absolutely certain of this feeling
3. This feeling is true.
If you were to tell me that you believe you could of run in the Boston Marathon this past Monday, than you are saying, “I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN I COULD RUN IN THE MARATHON”.
I would say, good luck against those Kenyans.
Now, what do beliefs have to do with success or failure?
Phase 2:
Take out a pen, pencil, or marker and draw this diagram.
Case 1: Potential & Results
Lets start in the top right hand corner.
Do human beings have a lot of potential?
YES!! Humans are capable of incredible things.
Do human beings live up to their potential, giving us equally as incredible results?
NO! Don’t get me wrong humans do amazing things, but, as a whole, humans are capable of doing a lot more for themselves, others, and the environment that they live in.
…So based off of the diagram above, what is the culprit for having
HIGH POTENTIAL, but LITTLE RESULTS?
You got it! There is not enough ACTION.
Case 2: Action & Results
So we need some more action to achieve great results, right?
Not necessarily.
Imagine I ask you to go around your neighborhood to 100 homes, knock on their doors, and try to sell them a new diet pill by saying,
“Hey Buddy, buy this pill from me”.
I BELIEVE, a vast majority would decline purchasing.
This proves that HIGH ACTION does not always yield HIGH RESULTS.
Case 3: Belief
Relationship Example:
Your friends tell you that they have someone that would be perfect for you. So you get set up on a date, but with a group of people (feels a little more safe). When you look at the man or woman that you are supposed to be set up with, you realize, holy shit they are gorgeous.
Suddenly…The feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is telling you, “I am not as good looking as them, they probably won’t go for me. A guy/girl like that only go for good-looking people, I’ve got no chance.”
With this BELIEF (revisit the definition up top), are you going to be at a “high potential” to get the guy/girl you are suppose to be set-up with?
No.
With this belief in addition to low potential, do you believe you are going to pursue this as much as possible?
No.
Why would you pursue something you know will not work and is a waste of time.
DEFEATING BELIEF + LITTLE POTENTIAL
+ LITTLE ACTION = ?????????
LITTLE and DISAPPOINTING RESULTS!
Phase 3:
Take the mindset of someone that is rich, poor, happy, or sad and you can easily see why this cycle can serve as being a breading ground for success or failure.
This is why the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, the happy get happier, and the sad get sadder!
It all comes down to our beliefs. What we feel is absolutely true.
Am I confident?
Am I good enough?
Am I smart enough?
Am I good looking enough?
Changing your attitude and belief about these concepts, will drastically change our cycle and results!
Make this your focus.
Revisit your beliefs today and see what you can change.
Challenge: Your Relationship to Fighting
Upwards of 90% of communication is non-verbal and if you don’t silence that yapper for a portion of the argument, you will miss all the important cues. Allow the other person to speak freely without interruption (this may be challenging, but that is normal). Listen to their points and much more importantly, how it makes them feel. 
Isn’t it the most frustrating thing in the world when you begin fighting with somebody who “loves to argue”. Quickly identify if you are one of those people. Do you contest, argue, and disagree with a high percentage of things around you? If so, keep this close to mind when arguing, because you are at higher risk of not “staying on task”. If you are one of these people, you tend to see your way and throw up the blinders for any other perspectives. Be flexible, honest, and open during argument. 
