by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 25, 2014 | Brain, Certainty, Control, Decisions, happiness, Harvard, Mental Effort, Mental Health, Positive Psychology, Relationships, Shawn Achor, Stress, Uncertainty
Let’s talk happiness for a second.
Imagine that the amazing Professor Ben-Shahar or Shawn Achor, both of Harvard University’s Positive Psychology program asked
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| Tal Ben-Shahar |
YOU to give a lecture to a group of students on how to create happiness, make decisions that will increase your happiness levels, and ways to predict how happy you will be in any given circumstance.
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| Shawn Achor |
Maybe right now you have already formulated a speech in your mind that will be flawlessly delivered to the eager crowd of young students. They will hear your words of wisdom and leave the lecture hall feeling confident, optimistic and ridiculously more happy!
Or maybe not…
Recent major personal life changes, decisions, and transitions have motived me to write this piece on happiness. I will be sure to update everybody on these big life changes in a blog very soon.
Answer this quick question:
What do you have in your life right now that creates happiness for you?
My answer to this question contained items such as:
- Good relationships
- An amazing fiancé
- A great apartment
- A wonderful doggie (love you Bipsy!)
- A great job
- Financial security
- A nice car
- Health insurance
And a few other things that came quickly to mind.
Research shows that ONLY 10% of your long-term happiness is derived from these external factors.
There secret to 90% of your long-term happiness?
Answer: How your brain reacts to these external factors.
One of the biggest challenges with individuals and happiness today is that they believe they have absolutely no control over it.
When people lack certainty in their life and have an abundance of uncertainty, they are at a high risk of experiencing unhealthy amounts of anxiety.
Unfortunately debilitating levels of anxiety and happiness can not exist at the same time. This is why many therapists have clients create a “positive thought jar”. Individuals can not maintain a negative and positive thought in their minds at the same time. When you experience yourself focusing on a negative thought, go to your positive thought jar, and pull out a positive affirmation to combat the negative thinking.
It is funny and maybe you know this, most individuals feel they have little control over their own happiness yet 90% is derived through a process that happens within you!
Stop predicting and start looking at the hard facts.
Become a detective by taking some of your biggest stressors, successes, decisions, and relationships and begin dissecting what makes them stressful, exciting, negative, successful and/or challenging for you.
This is worth the mental effort!
Take 10 minutes now to play detective and figure out how your brain reacts to the list you created above.
YouTime’s Summary:
It is important understand that happiness does not come from the external factors around you, it is created within you by the way your brain reacts to those external factors.
The amount of expensive, lavish, and desirable possessions you have in your life is meaningless UNTIL your brain creates meaning for these things. The way your brain creates meaning to those possessions and relationships is unique to you. Take the time to understand yourself, your inner drives, and how you choose to react to your environment.
It is your brain.
It is your happiness.
Take control.
For more information regarding research on happiness, please visit:
Http://goodthinkinc.com/research/
by YouTime Coaching | Jan 16, 2013 | Action, Anxiety, Arguments, Attitudes, Certainty, Confidence, Direction, Fear, Fighting, steps, Success
Chapter 2: The Fight
Recap from Chapter 1: “Intro to Fighting” & “The Approach”
1. Arguing only has the POTENTIAL to cause negative outcomes
2. The Approach is the most important aspect of the argument.
3. The Approach directly influences the outcome of the argument.
4. The mental and physiological state you are in prior to the argument will direct the fight.
5. If you are in a state that will undermine your desired outcome of the argument you need a “jarring”.
6. Try the “Opponent Appreciation” and “Movie Theater Effect” techniques to create a more resourceful state and get the result you desire.
Chapter 2: The Fight
Arguing can be an extremely toxic event for any relationship or create an important opportunity for growth. The difference between heading down these two opposing pathways is monumental to relationships. The difference in these two paths can be found in just a handful of decisions.
This blog is to help you navigate how to experience growth, increase closeness, heightened intimacy, and developing feelings of accomplishment through an argument.
Challenge: Your Relationship to Fighting
Take a second to right down some words that you associate with arguing. These words may be negative, positive, seem unrelated, or from direct experience. You may see fighting as a defense mechanism, a way for you to connect with others, or possibly a tactic that makes you feel important and noticed.
The importance of this exercise is to discover what cognitive relationships you associate to arguments and fighting. Once you recognize if your connection is positive or negative you can begin to witness its effects on “The Approach” and now how to change these limiting beliefs for “The Fight”
Definition
Limiting Belief: (noun) Thoughts and Beliefs that are manifested consciously or subconsciously that serve as obstacles and barriers to a desired or healthy behavior/decision.
“The Fight” is the ACTION stage within this whole process and where most people use their own style to out-perform their opponent and reign victorious.
The problem is developed because these “styles” that people use in their arguments are developed from typically subconscious feelings and can easily be expressed irrationally, untimely, and at your partners expense.
Our goal here is to develop arguing skills that will allow us to experience healthy growth, connection, certainty, and significance.
“Top 5 Rules to Successful Arguing”
1.Stay on Task
One of the biggest mistakes individuals make in arguing is that they do not stay on task. Understand what you are arguing about and keep this in mind with each point you bring up. When you feel like you are drifting away from the main topic, take second to regroup and jump back in. The last thing you want to be doing is yelling about who left the lights on, when the actual argument is about calling to say you will be home late.
2. Use “I” Statements
Let’s face it, humans typically get defensive very quickly and on a large scale. No female wants to feel like a piece of property, while no man wants to feel completely bossed around. When addressing personal preferences and perspectives start your statement with, “I feel as though vs. You always” in order to convey (on a conscious and subconscious level) that you understand this may not be the case BUT this is how it makes you feel.
3. Cool-off
Under no circumstance should anybody be yelling. If it has reached this point, neither of you are being heard, there will be no winner (your relationship will suffer), you are negatively affecting those around you, and the argument has reached the toxic zone. If you feel as though you are going to yell it is completely permissible to say “This is a very important conversation and do think it is necessary to talk about it, but I need to take a couple minutes to regroup”.
4. Be Quiet
Upwards of 90% of communication is non-verbal and if you don’t silence that yapper for a portion of the argument, you will miss all the important cues. Allow the other person to speak freely without interruption (this may be challenging, but that is normal). Listen to their points and much more importantly, how it makes them feel.
Isn’t it the most frustrating thing in the world when you begin fighting with somebody who “loves to argue”. Quickly identify if you are one of those people. Do you contest, argue, and disagree with a high percentage of things around you? If so, keep this close to mind when arguing, because you are at higher risk of not “staying on task”. If you are one of these people, you tend to see your way and throw up the blinders for any other perspectives. Be flexible, honest, and open during argument.
Stay tuned next week for Part III of,
“The Science of an Argument”
Chapters 3-4: “The Resolution” and “The Aftermath”
Best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
YouTime Coaching
www.YouTimeCoach.com
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 22, 2012 | Action, Anxiety, Beliefs, Certainty, Direction, Doc Wayne, Human Needs, Jobs, Mindset, Results, Tony Robbins |
Remember when graduating from a College or University was a big deal for you and your family?
A decade later a belief that getting a Master’s degree was the new undergraduate degree?
And now, is getting a Doctorate the new norm?
The point is, WE DO NOT KNOW.
All of the assumptions about job certainty, salary, and the freedom to find enjoyable employment are up in the air with whatever degree you have. I was just forwarded the other day an article about how there is a massive increase in PhD level individuals that are receiving food stamps!
That screams uncertainty.
Last time I checked, “Certainty” was one of our 6 Humans Needs that we constantly try to fulfill.
When individuals, like you and I, do not have Certainty we have a higher tendency to be anxious, fearful, and stressed, which will very rarely help you find a job.
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| In the interview, notice how much focus is on Growth and Contribution for Becky. |
Today I want to share with you an great example of a success story.
Her name is Rebekah and she has a job she loves. Rebekah and I sat down for a wonderful interview about her search for meaningful employment, how tough it was, her mindset going into the experience, and what results she saw. ENJOY!
Keep this quote in mind as you read the interview with Becky:
“When you know somebody’s strategy, you can duplicate ANYTHING great that has ever been done”
– Tony Robbins, Peak Performance Strategist
YouTime: Becky, you graduated from Boston University with a Master’s degree in Counseling with a specialization in Sport Psychology, did you believe finding a job would be an easy task?
Becky: Well, while I was in school I thought it would be easy but as I started hearing from professors, advisers, and peers that finding a job in the Sport Psychology field was very tough and that you would need to develop your own niche, I began to think twice.
YouTime: So after getting some of that feedback, how did it affect your mindset and beliefs about finding employment after graduation?
Becky: It was important that I stayed positive but had to be realistic about what I was about to dive into. The realistic part allowed me to go outside of getting the “perfect job”. I started to think of different types of jobs that I would be willing to work at. In the end, this helped widen my scope of possibilities.
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| Seem all too familiar? |
YouTime: After you shifted your mindset and beliefs to being more positive and realistic, how did the job search actually play out?
Becky: It was a lot of work. I spent a lot of time connecting with the resources around me, friends, family, old colleagues, LinkedIn, and online job sites to find opportunities. I put in a lot of time doing searches, sending out materials, and following up.
YouTime: It sounds like you took a lot of action.
Becky: After school I was ready to move on to work and it definitely helped motivate me.
YouTime: So what kind of results did you see from the work you put in?
Becky: I had 5 interviews in 5 days and got a job within a month of graduating. I ultimately found the job on Craigslist.
YouTime: Those are some pretty impressive results! I am sure it felt great to have all your hard work pay off.
Becky: It definitely did. It was funny, I had to choose between a few different opportunities and decided to take a job I was supposedly “over-qualified” for and payed the least.
YouTime: What motivated you to make that decision?
Becky: When I went for the interview and found out more details about the job, which was a position in an all girls residential facility, I knew that I could help these kids without even meeting them. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew a could contribute something great to their lives. It worked out great, this is how I connected with Doc Wayne and began working for them.
YouTime: Now you are the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League and have such an integral role in many youth’s lives. That must be very rewarding. Do you feel as though the role at Doc Wayne allows you to grow as an individual?
Becky: Before coming here I didn’t know my strengths as well and I didn’t have much self-confidence. I felt like I was just one person in a group of people with the same skills and strengths. Doc Wayne has helped me find my specialization in working with people and my strengths (once fears) of public speaking, working with trauma victims, and adolescent girls. When I was told I would be the “voice of the kids” the anxiety of public speaking left and I knew now that I had to advocate for them.
This is Becky, somebody who truly believes in their work.
What we can learn from Becky, her mindset, and experience is:
1. Your beliefs will directly impact your results
2. A massive amount of action must be taken
3. A shift in beliefs may be necessary to reach your outcome.
4. Look for something you enjoy, just because you are good at it doesn’t mean you will enjoy it.
5. Understand how it helps you grow and contribute outside of yourself.
- Neglect/Abuse Victims
- Under-served Kids
- Sexually Exploited and Trafficked Kids
- Impoverished Kids
- Mentally Ill kids
- Differently-Abled
- Truant Kids
Rebekah Conway Roulier, Ed.M. is the General Manager at the Doc Wayne Athletic League, Inc. a 501 (c)(3) and is responsible for sports programs and training of coaches in current and future markets, the enhancement of the organization’s do the good (DtG) therapeutic curriculum and management of the monitoring and evaluation systems. She comes to the Doc Wayne with an Ed.M. in Counseling with a Specialization in Sport Psychology and with extensive experience in coaching and work in youth services.
Rebekah has a B.A and Ed.M. from Boston University. Rebekah’s work with victims of complex trauma and underserved children includes experience in a residential treatment center, a position as an identity building consultant, and instructor for a positive psychology and sports program serving children and adolescents in the California juvenile justice system. She recently presented at The Northeast Atlantic Sport Psychology Conference (Philadelphia, PA) on “The Use of Sport in the Behavioral Health Treatment of Youth,” was a panelist on “Young Minds Behind Bars: The State of Mental Health Care within the Juvenile Justice System” sponsored by Wheelock College and presented on the ethics of sport at Moving Traditions Celebr8-U Conference.
