by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | Dec 7, 2016 | Academics, Attitudes, Behavioral Change, Change, Children, Communication, Direction, Life Coaching, Mental Health, parenting, parents, Problems, Self-Change, Self-Esteem, social problems, Stigma, Teenagers, Therapy, Trust |
Even a healthy and well-adjusted young person will have their fair share mood swings, moments of pushing back, impulsive decisions, and overall lapses in judgement. This is why parenting a young person consistently takes the top spot in The New York Times’ list of “Top 10 Easiest Professions”… yeaaaa right.
Whether the young person is in high-school or college it can sometimes be quite challenging to distinguish between “normal” and “could use some help”. So let’s clear a couple things up first regarding “help”.
Stigma.
Yes, unfortunately “getting help” still carries a substantially heavy stigma with it. For instance, it is very easy to assume that when you seek out professional help that something is broken and needs to be fixed. The young person is not broken, and neither are you. Here are a few other stigmas that may keep you and the young person from benefiting from additional support.
Misconceptions about getting help for a high-school/college age young person:
- If I get help, I am weak.
- This means I am crazy.
- (Typically parents) This is a waste of money.
- All you do is talk about my feelings.
- I will get medicated.
- Other people will think it’s (I’m) weird.
Stigmas have the power to not only prevent a young person from getting more specialized support but in many cases can create pretty harmful negative beliefs about who they are, how they are doing, and what their options are to start feeling better.
From the very beginning of the process, YouTime Coaching implements many strategies to combat some of these misconceptions. Here are a couple:
Trust Trust Trust:
With young people, trust is huge. That is why YouTime Coaching focuses right away on building a safe, secure, and trusting relationship between the young person and their coach. We believe that the young person’s relationship with their coach within the first month will determine much of their success in their work together. The coaches use strategic communication styles, in-between session check-ins, and work hard to create an relaxed judgment free zone.
Breaking the “Parent-Young person” Dynamic:
Sometimes simply being a parent makes it challenging to talk about the “tough things” with your young person. They see you through the “parent filter”, while you see them through the “young person filter”. YouTime’s Coaches are young, genuinely compassionate, and have the natural ability to connect with young people where it may otherwise be challenging for a parent to break through.
Take a look at www.YouTimeCoach.com to learn more about the process of coaching with young person, parents, and families.
When to get specialized help for your young person?
With the exception of when the young person asks for it, knowing when to seek out help can be challenging. Having some insight to what your young person’s baseline behaviors are can be helpful in assessing their/your need for some extra support. Here are a few things to keep on your radar but keep in mind that simply because you may see a change in these areas does not not necessarily mean your young person is struggling. It just means, keep communicating with them and finding ways to meaningfully connect, all while keeping your finger on the pulse to see if more evidence points to a “would it help it get some support?” talk.
- Their social life.
Questions to think about:
Has their friend group noticeably changed?
Are they spending a lot more time on their own?
Are they now jumping pretty hard into the party scene?
Is the young person having noticeable challenges in balancing their social life with other areas?
- Communication.
Questions to think about:
Has the young person’s communication patterns (language used, frequency, depth) drastically changed?
Is the young person “asking for help” but not necessarily coming right out and saying it?
Do you notice a rapid shift in mood when communicating with the young person?
Are you lost on how to communicate with the young person?
Have others communicated their concerns with you? (friends, teachers, bosses, siblings..etc)
- Academics.
Questions to think about:
Is there a noticeable drop in grade?
Are you seeing frequent absences or tardiness at school/work?
Have you received concerned communication from teachers?
Is your young person having trouble concentrating/focusing?
*if any young person you’re with has shown open, serious, and/or committed signs of harming themselves or others, please do not hesitate, call 911 and get professional help right away.
Remember, these questions are good starting points to give you a better understanding of what conversations to have with the young person, a professional, or somebody already in their support circle.
At the end of the day, if you still feel like something may be “off” with your kid and need to further figure out a plan of action, reach out to YouTime Coaching at [email protected].
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 18, 2012 | Action, Attitudes, Beliefs, Change, Failure, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Results, Self-Esteem, Success
Are you programmed for success or failure?
Lets get started:
Phase 1:
What are beliefs?
How do we create our belief system?
Lets begin with a simple definition of the word belief. For the purpose of how we will use the word, the definition of belief is,
a FEELING of ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that something is TRUE.
I hope I made it clear enough that there are three major factors in defining a belief.
1. It is a feeling
2. You are absolutely certain of this feeling
3. This feeling is true.
If you were to tell me that you believe you could of run in the Boston Marathon this past Monday, than you are saying, “I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN I COULD RUN IN THE MARATHON”.
I would say, good luck against those Kenyans.
Now, what do beliefs have to do with success or failure?
Phase 2:
Take out a pen, pencil, or marker and draw this diagram.
Case 1: Potential & Results
Lets start in the top right hand corner.
Do human beings have a lot of potential?
YES!! Humans are capable of incredible things.
Do human beings live up to their potential, giving us equally as incredible results?
NO! Don’t get me wrong humans do amazing things, but, as a whole, humans are capable of doing a lot more for themselves, others, and the environment that they live in.
…So based off of the diagram above, what is the culprit for having
HIGH POTENTIAL, but LITTLE RESULTS?
You got it! There is not enough ACTION.
Case 2: Action & Results
So we need some more action to achieve great results, right?
Not necessarily.
Imagine I ask you to go around your neighborhood to 100 homes, knock on their doors, and try to sell them a new diet pill by saying,
“Hey Buddy, buy this pill from me”.
I BELIEVE, a vast majority would decline purchasing.
This proves that HIGH ACTION does not always yield HIGH RESULTS.
Case 3: Belief
Relationship Example:
Your friends tell you that they have someone that would be perfect for you. So you get set up on a date, but with a group of people (feels a little more safe). When you look at the man or woman that you are supposed to be set up with, you realize, holy shit they are gorgeous.
Suddenly…The feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is telling you, “I am not as good looking as them, they probably won’t go for me. A guy/girl like that only go for good-looking people, I’ve got no chance.”
With this BELIEF (revisit the definition up top), are you going to be at a “high potential” to get the guy/girl you are suppose to be set-up with?
No.
With this belief in addition to low potential, do you believe you are going to pursue this as much as possible?
No.
Why would you pursue something you know will not work and is a waste of time.
DEFEATING BELIEF + LITTLE POTENTIAL
+ LITTLE ACTION = ?????????
LITTLE and DISAPPOINTING RESULTS!
Phase 3:
Take the mindset of someone that is rich, poor, happy, or sad and you can easily see why this cycle can serve as being a breading ground for success or failure.
This is why the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, the happy get happier, and the sad get sadder!
It all comes down to our beliefs. What we feel is absolutely true.
Am I confident?
Am I good enough?
Am I smart enough?
Am I good looking enough?
Changing your attitude and belief about these concepts, will drastically change our cycle and results!
Make this your focus.
Revisit your beliefs today and see what you can change.
