by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | Oct 24, 2017 | Academics, Anxiety, Change, college, Communication, Confidence, Control, Focus, Growth, parenting, Uncategorized
We hear it all the time… helicopter parenting and that the millennial generation is being raised too protected from struggle, diversity, and overcoming “normal” life-stage challenges. Wherever you stand on this doesn’t necessarily matter because both sides need to learn from how they are experiencing struggle both directly and indirectly. Your college freshman will undoubtedly be faced with challenges, but it will not be everything your anxiety is telling you it will be.
There are some important takeaways and a crucial reminder.
JUST BECAUSE STRUGGLE AND YOUR CHILD’S NAME ARE IN THE SAME SENTENCE DOESN’T MEAN IT IS A CUE TO STEP IN. Understand that taking a supportive backseat versus getting into the driver seat can be quite valuable. Not only does it give your child a chance to build confidence in their abilities to navigate tough situations or seek out help but it allows parents invaluable time to build trust in their kid’s ability to handle struggle.
For parents that just sent their kids away for their first year of college here are some things you should know about what may be going on and the struggles that freshman most commonly face.
Read more of Youtime Coaching’s published article, “Know Your Kid’s Freshman College Struggles” in the Grafton News by clicking HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 8, 2017 | Academics, Anxiety, Change, Confidence, Fear, Focus, Life Coaching, Mental Health, Outcomes, Positive Psychology, Results, Stress
It’s natural for students to feel nervous as standardized tests approach.
But it’s also very easy for this anxiety to spiral out of control and affect their overall well-being. No test is worth that! (Not to mention that being paralyzed by fear is not the ideal condition for a test-taking brain.) Test anxiety can be rooted in a lack of mastery of the material, uncertainty about test-taking conditions, and/or dread of the long-term consequences of falling short—and often, some combination of the three.
If your student is suffering, take heart: test stress is not inevitable!
Each of these anxieties can be dealt with and you can minimizing test stress. Here are some strategies that can apply to almost any student preparing for almost any test.
- Own the fear. Telling a student their fear is “all in their head” is counterproductive. Of course it is—all emotions are in our heads! Instead, help your student determine what they should and should not worry about. If your student lacks mastery in a subject, their test anxiety may be very real. If they worry over material they’ve already mastered, then you’re dealing with a different type of anxiety entirely.
- One step at a time. Gradually acclimating your student to test pressures can help normalize the test-taking process for them. Completing practice tests, working under timed conditions, and learning to work in noisy environments can all help your student prepare for their experience in the testing center. A coffee shop or library—where they will have to work through sniffling, conversations, street noise, and other things that fray nerves—is a great place to prepare.
- Think outside the test. Sometimes the very format of the standardized test causes panic. In this case, help your student develop skills with something other than the test. Developing reading comprehension questions using a novel or newspaper article, or applying geometry skills by designing a bookcase or coffee table, may help your student master skills in a fun, non-threatening way.
- Practice good test hygiene. Habits can make or break a test-taker. Set routines for your student. For example, if the test will happen on a Saturday morning, set aside every Saturday morning for test prep. Work on maintaining good posture and a positive but aggressive attitude toward the test. Finally, consider mindfulness exercises that will help your student quiet their inner critic.
More than anything, emphasize keeping things in perspective. Though the SAT or ACT may seem all-important, remember that most students take the test two or three times, and there’s much more to a college application than just test scores!
This blog was written by Signet Education’s Director of Education, Sheila Akbar. Sheila is also Signet’s resident admissions and test prep expert. She has been preparing students for the SAT, ACT, and GRE for over ten years in both one-on-one and in classroom settings. Sheila holds both a BA and an MA in Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations from Harvard University and holds two PhDs from Indiana University in Comparative Literature and Near Eastern Languages and Cultures.
Signet Education provides individualized tutoring, test prep, admissions consulting, and organizational coaching for students.
by YouTime Coaching | Dec 21, 2016 | Anxiety, Behavior, Children, Communication, Confidence, Control, Growth, Kids, parenting, parents, Stress
Personally, my favorite part of the holidays is the food (diets don’t count in December right?) and re-living the traditions you have built-up over the years with family. For some, the favorite part it is buying gifts, while for others it may be receiving them. We all have our things to look forward to, but parenting your teenager or college aged kid throughout the holidays frequently does not make the list
The holidays are here and we are almost in the thick of it with just a small amount of preparation time left. Since making life a little easier is our job, YouTime Coaching is assigning you (yes you) two pieces of parental homework to help you and your family get through this December and into January feeling good, relaxed, and positive about the holiday dinner with crazy Aunt Sally (sorry if this hits too close to home).
Here we go.
Assignment #1: Keep Calm and Carry On.
Believe it or not, the holidays can be a stressful time for everyone. It is important that you take care of yourself, have strategies to maintain some level of equilibrium/relaxation, and model this positive behavior to your kid.
If you need a quick break from the chaos, try “4-7-8 breathing”. Many people use it to help them fall asleep, but in this case you will reap the benefits without dozing off. Here’s how it works:
- Breathe in for 4 seconds
- Hold it for 7 seconds
- Breathe out for 8 seconds
This entire cycle counts as one breathe. Continue for at least four cycles. If you do an emotional inventory over the past week you will quickly see that parents feel many emotions, some for varying lengths of time. The point is, emotions change and they can rather quickly. What you feel right now, may not be what you feel 5 minutes from now. Taking a step back, giving yourself space, and completing this breathing assignment will help you see a little more clearly.
Share you experience in the comment section.
Assignment #2: Actively Search for the Positive.
Many parents have their morning routines which can involve turning on the tv, looking at news on their phones, or reading the newspaper. Doing this can condition us to have a false reading on the ratio of positive to negative events that happen in life, simply because of what the media puts out there for us to see.
This holiday, keep an eye on your kid and no matter how small it may be, maintain a mental list of the positive behaviors they have displayed. It could range from helping with the dishes, going to pick something up from the store for you, or simply asking “how are you?”. When you see a positive behavior, give some positive feedback (ex. “How are you Mom/Dad?”, “I’m doing well, just a lot of work to do. That was really thoughtful of you to ask.”).
Searching for the positives at home and with your kids will help restore the more realistic ratio of positives to negatives, making life a little easier.
Share your list of positives in the comment section.
There you go!
This holiday season try using the stress of the holidays instead of allowing the holiday stress to use you. HINT: You can start with these two assignments.
Happy holidays from YouTime Coaching!
by YouTime Coaching | Mar 31, 2014 | Advice, Anxiety, Change, Confidence, Depression, Life Coaching, Outdoors, Teenagers, Therapy, Wilderness, Wilderness Therapy
My career allows me to work with some amazing people that have been through some truly unique experiences. This is just one of the many.
Simon, was struggling with many of the harsh realities life threw directly at him. His journey to understanding himself and developing a spot in the world is a different one then that of a typical teenager. In the wilderness is where he began to heal, rehabilitate and become a truly remarkable person.
I had the chance to ask Simon some candid questions about his experience:
(the name of the client is being protected for confidentiality purposes).
Most people aren’t familiar with “Wilderness Therapy”.
Can you describe what it is in your own words?
There are a wide variety of programs that fall under the category of “Wilderness Therapy”. However, there are a few primary characteristics that you can pretty much find universally throughout the programs. Essentially wilderness therapy is a form of therapeutic intervention, in which the patients live in and hike around the wilderness. The length of the patient’s stay varies greatly (I’ve heard of intensive programs reaching up to six months) but the average tends to be around 6-12 weeks. The aim of these programs is to allow the patient some time for introspection by withdrawing them from whatever unhealthy living situation they were in, and putting them in a therapeutic, isolated environment supposedly conducive to objective perspective. Again, there are many factors specific to each individual program, but these are the basic concepts I associate with “Wilderness Therapy”.
What were some of the hardest and scariest things you experienced during the process?
Along with the differences of programs, the details regarding the patient’s entry into wilderness can also vary greatly. Some parents choose to tell their kids beforehand, or give them an option to choose between different programs-but many of them hire transporters to escort them. Since I was, and a majority of the other kids were “transported”, I can say that this is definitely one of the tougher parts of the process. Being in the heat of an unhealthy lifestyle and being plucked from my bedroom in the middle of the night by two hired men was traumatic to say the least. I think this is one of the times where kids are most likely to make impulsive decisions and, though it may be necessary for some, can start the process of “rehabilitation” on a dangerous note. The next hardest thing afterword is adjusting to the program and looking forward. Many kids (myself included) were under the impression that the process takes only a few weeks, and that their parents would bring them home directly after. The wilderness therapists do very little to clear up those misconceptions and I was lied to several times in an effort to maintain my emotional stability. Though it is up to personal opinion on whether or not that is reasonable, I think this proves to be the overarching difficulty in the wilderness process. The various stages of denial about the length of your wilderness stay and how everyone insists they aren’t going to aftercare can be devastating once those illusions are shattered. Of course, many kids eventually accept that it was perhaps necessary to have this revealed to them gradually, but there are also those who hold strong grudges against their parents and the therapeutic programs for the lies told in the beginning.
What were your initial feelings when you arrived at wilderness?
My initial feelings when I arrived at my wilderness program are hard to categorize into single words. I suppose I could say it was overwhelming disbelief, and confusion, and sometimes regret. But infused in each one of those emotions was always anger, and that wasn’t relieved until far later in the process. Arriving at my base camp was shocking, and I hadn’t known it was an outdoor wilderness therapy until the moment I was dropped off on the mountain. When I met the other kids I felt comforted to see that others had adjusted, but I felt like an outcast, and I felt dreadfully alone. I immediately thought that it was a mistake. My Mom had checked off the wrong program from the list and that if she knew where I was, would not hesitate to withdraw me. This steadfast, impassioned denial is a phenomenon that appeared to occur in almost every kid I met, and can last several weeks into the program before it is accepted. The limited communication allowed between me and my Mom was a major contributor to this false hope, but had I not had that hope to hold on to, it may have been unbearable. The beginning of the process was undeniably tough, and though it was necessary, was a hazy and unstable time for me.
At what point did you realize “I understand now” and felt as though you knew what needed to change?
I can say with confidence that there was no single moment where I felt as though I had “all of a sudden” understood. Throughout the year long process my emotional state changed rapidly and the introspection resembled more closely a series of bargaining than sudden deliberate epiphanies. As the time in my program wore on the pain I was feeling was changing, and it was becoming subtle, but it still hurt just as much. As these changes occurred, I naturally adapted and was thus making unconscious internal changes and broadening my perspective. After I felt that I had matured, I was still only halfway through my aftercare program. I began to feel anxious and antsy and thought I was ready to go home. At this point, it still had not dawned on me that I had to make external changes as well as internal ones.
It was around this time that I began to realize this process wasn’t all about me. Even though I was the one who was in Utah, I understood that it was my fault, that I owed it to my mom. It’s too easy to feel like you’re the only victim out there. Somehow all the pain and injustice I’d caused my mom had, in a sense, slipped my mind. I began to think about the things I had to change for her benefit, even though it meant sacrifice, and that seems to be the most tangible checkpoint of understanding I’d had.
For city folks, like me, what were some of the more unique experiences being in the wilderness?
Looking back, I wish I could have enjoyed the actual “wilderness” part more than I did. Because I was in such an overwhelming mind state, it was often hard to separate myself from inside my head. Something they constantly try to teach out there is how to live in the moment. Of course, I had and still have many excuses for why I couldn’t do that, but the times that I was able to were certainly the most peaceful. Something that was shocking to me was how easily everyone adapted to the actual “wilderness” aspect. Within a week I could identify all fifty of the bags containing strange dried food, I could manage the ten-mile days with the forty-pound pack, and my made up knots were actually holding the shelter up. The lifestyle seemed alien on my first day, and everyday afterword, felt more and more like home.
My program was in Utah, and unlike most other wilderness programs, we traveled all around the state. I saw a very wide range of untouched nature, and the constant immersion in it gave me an appreciation I hadn’t had before. Like most unique experiences, I’ve romanticized my time in the woods, and though in reality I was miserable and counting the days, I’m able now to remember some of the happiness and pure wholesomeness I felt there.
Change is difficult for a lot of people.
If you could offer some advice to help others out, based off of your experience, what would it be?
The best advice I can offer is to broaden your perspective. I think that often one of the reasons kids get sent away is because of severe egocentrism and lack of empathy. I always knew how angry I was feeling, but it wasn’t until I understood the anger I’d caused my mom, that I was really able to change. Though there are other factors, I felt like every kid I met was suffering from relationship issues with their parents. In the heat of this process it’s hard to conceptualize the reality of the situation, but the fact is that your parents sent you away in hopes of you getting better. I think that the details of the situation can often overshadow the basic injustice both parents and kids feel, and that if the issues were stripped down, kids and parents could relate on the injustice and learn to empathize.
Another aspect of change I observed was the widespread misconception that changing meant losing. So many kids are filled with a stubborn sense of pride and are so concerned with “giving in”. I understand that certain situations may require an unmoving and passionate stance, though many times it’s an excuse to avoid feeling weak. Throughout the process I felt that I had two options: succumb to my mothers will or refuse to change. The reality isn’t nearly so black and white. At some point I realized that my mom and I had a similar goal (me achieving happiness) and that there were ways we could reach it together. The sacrifices I eventually resolved to make gained me my mom’s support, and from there we began to make changes together without the dissolution of my pride.
Now that you have been home from your wilderness
program for sometime, what has changed and how do you maintain what you learned out there?
Every kid has the idea built up in his or her mind of what it’s going to be like at home. For me personally, it was all I thought about, a comfort to remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality of the situation is that coming home is not like the fantasy you’ve it made out to be. I think a majority of kids, myself included, thought that being home would mean an undying, sustaining happiness. Problems and insecurities that may have arose in or before programs will follow you back home and demand to be confronted. That being said, it’s not always easy to figure out how to adjust. One of the most impactful changes I experienced was having a lifestyle and small community of people to relate to, and going home to everyone who knew very little about the past year of my life. The first few months at home felt very isolated for me, and I was having a hard time finding the right place for myself.
Many months down the line, things have changed quite a bit. After some time the pieces began to fall in to place and I melted back in to the natural cycle here. I learned enough about adjusting to new situations, and sacrificing, and started developing a code that would lead me to a healthy life. However, despite my comfort here, my memories of wilderness and after care are still very present in my daily life. I like to think back on them as something to hold on to, a very personal memoir that contributed largely to where I am now. I suppose it is up to everyone’s own interpretation to determine what role those memories might play, but I think its healthy to confront and confide in those past experiences, and to access them when needed.
If you could share 3 values you learned through your wilderness experience, what would they be?
The list of values taught during wilderness would be far too extensive if I were to thoroughly answer this question. Though, there are a few very important ones that came to mind first. Before I state these three, I want to make the distinction that I learned the core parts of these values not from the programs themselves, but from the experience as a whole.
The first value I’d like to point out is perspective. If you take the time to examine the wilderness culture, staff, and other kids, there’s a world of knowledge to be gained. I must say that merely being in the presence of that community exposed me to a variety of different lifestyles and personalities that I had not encountered. Since wilderness, I’ve been able to remember the world through the eyes of the people I met, and it’s always a refreshing outlook.
The second value I learned was adaptability. As I explained in some of the previous questions, the entry in to wilderness is shocking and fast-paced. There are changes you are forced to face immediately, whether or not you have previous outdoors experience. I think that this shift prompted me to try and understand some of the changes I’d face in the future (for instance, the transition back home) and has prepared me to face dramatic change from a more realistic and manageable approach.
The final value I’d like to bring forth is empathy. Perhaps the hardest, and most important lesson I learned was how to differentiate what I was feeling from my mom’s intentions. Unlike perspective, this wasn’t the ability to see from my mom’s point of view, rather, to try and feel what she was feeling and understand that. I think that this value is imperative to success at home, but is often tossed aside by kids’ sense of pride.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 2, 2013 | Confidence, determination, happiness, Hope, normal, perseverance, Reframing, Stroke, TED Talks
Recently, I came across a TED talk video that featured a mother and father (Roberto D’Angelo and Francesca Fideli) who were happily married in 2002 and gave birth to their beautiful son, Mario, in 2011. For many parents, children are a continuation of themselves, their lives, their ancestry, their story. Parents truly feel as though they have produced a miracle and a thing of absolute beauty to be cherished for many years to come.
What happens when the same beauty, child, and miracle has a stroke?
Mario experienced what is known as a “Perinatal Stroke” at only 10 days of age. He was unable to control the left side of his body. While Mario lost some control in his newly formed life so did his parents while they were ambushed with a flood of emotions ranging from the feeling of failure, anxiety, depression, and confusion. What can a parent do in order to instill a sense of certainty, security, and safety?
Mario’s parents worked hard to help their child recover. They began a pilot program for Mirror Neuron Rehabilitation.
As D’Angelo explains, “The theory of mirror neuron says that, in your brain, as you watch me do this, you are activating exactly the same neurons as if you do the actions.”
The goal for this program was to show Mario items, demonstrate how to pick them up, and use them. This would in turn be mirrored by Mario himself. What they discovered was that Mario was paying just as much attention to his parents emotions as he was to their body movements.
Following this discovery Roberto and Francesca thought, what are we missing?
What am I missing? What is wrong?
These questions come up quite frequently for parents and their children. Fortunately, Roberto and Francesca made the necessary shift in mindset to help their son Mario, but many people stay stuck in the “What is missing?” head game.
What Mario’s parents did, and what I encourage you to do RIGHT NOW is restructure that thought of “What is missing?” to “What can I offer?”.
What is missing? vs What can I offer?
Ask your self important questions such as, “What do the individuals that know me best think I have to offer?” and “What can I offer to other people, my environment, and this world?”
AND
From now on, when you are faced with the question, “What am I missing?”. Ask yourself,“What can I offer?”
Look at little Mario now!
