by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | Mar 14, 2019 | Academics, Children, college, determination, Emotions, Focus, Motivation, parenting, parents, Support
Will your kid struggle as a freshman in college? Absolutely. Does the experience always need to be negative and feel like nothing good comes from it? Absolutely not.
When a kid is sent to college the exodus from being a child and living within their parent’s home to being a young adult truly begins. One major problem… teenagers being forced into an adult world, without being mentally equipped and prepared like an adult can lead to a lot of… [parents, fill in the blank]
Now Mom and Dad, please sit down and take three deep breathes because things are going to be alright.
Download our free parent assessment to see if your kid is truly
struggling and needs some additional support:
The Skinny On Your Freshman’s Struggle
Sure, your freshman kid could sustain some physical and emotional wounds during their college experience, but you kind of signed them up for it. Listen, all those nights you got on them for watching tv and making sure they started studying, the nights you made them their favorite dinner, those times you washed/dried their clothes (and probably folded), and the genuine efforts to hold to an 11pm curfew has all finally paid off.
They will have to do most or all of these things on their own now! [cue horror film music]
The question isn’t, “will my kid struggle?” it is, “how will they struggle and how will we respond?”.
To help you out a bit, here are some of the top re-occurring struggles for college students. I’ll include some pointers and a few “heads-up”.
[bctt tweet=”Kid struggling at school? Tweet us about it with the hashtag #thestruggleisreal” username=”@YouTimeCoaching”]
A FEW TOP COLLEGE STRUGGLES:
1. Homesickness
Some parents love the fact that their kid misses home, while also sympathizing with them. Keep in mind that homesickness is just as much about needs that are not being met at school as it is missing what they used to have. When you do get the coveted phone call from your freshman kid at school, listen to them closely and just maybe you will be able to see if their homesickness is a result of having challenging classes, finding it hard to connect with others, or if they simply want a care package mailed to them (always a winner).
2. Organization
College is typically more demanding than high-school in terms of work and very frequently much less structured in terms of homework/study time. This transition can be challenging for freshman and It is common to see a slip in grades because of this in addition to managing all their new freedoms. From frequently losing their cell phone or homework to their train of thought, organization can impact both physical and mental arenas. If your freshman kid shows signs of struggle with their organization skills, don’t panic. Together, look into a coaching program like www.YouTimeCoach.com and/or looking into the schools learning center services.
3. Sleep
When we are the ones lacking sleep, it is easy to notice the difference. Freshmen in college have this notion that they must perform at least 4 all-nighters the first semester, set a world record for cups of coffee or red bulls in a night, and put their ZZZ’s on the back burner. The reason behind this could be school work, a noisy environment, health issues, or higher priorities (pretty much everything). The college experience has so much to offer a freshman student, but this can create some priority confusion and FOMO (fear of missing out). A little trick, as your kid comes back for the holiday, take note of their sleep patterns. Typically the kids pulling late night study (or party) sessions will sleep in pretty late the first few nights home.
Keep these pieces of information handy for when your kid shows signs and symptoms of struggle. The best thing you can do for your kid is to be supportive, actively listen to them, empathize, and practice the skill of being non-judgmental. The pay off will be far greater than reacting through fear and anxiety.
Any questions regarding your kid, college, and their struggles?
Please email [email protected] or go to www.YouTimeCoach.com and click on the “Hire Us” page.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 28, 2019 | Behavior, behavioral issues, Brain, Children, Control, Health, parenting
If you, a friend, family member, significant other, or even an imaginary friend have ADHD, then you know a couple things to be true.
First, chronic procrastination, disorganization, and poor sleep habits are at the core. Even so, please don’t let this fool you.
Let’s face the truth, there are stigmas, biases, and stereotypes about anyone with ADHD (kids and adults with ADHD have their own “special” stigmas…etc). Looking at someone else’s eight or ten year old kid and saying, “Well, glad thats not my problem.”, “That kid needs to be on meds.”, “Their parents need to really control them better.”…. and you get the point.
ADHD is like an iceberg.
I know you have all heard the analogies about icebergs, and at this point it may be getting old, but for your kid’s sake stick with me because the each iceberg analogy equally deserves its own attention, especially when we are talking about a disorder that effects sustained attention. You can do it. I think you get the point… below the surface can get messy.
Practice: Acknowledge and let go of your assumptions
Assumptions can lead us down some slippery paths, but more importantly it drastically affects our approach to problems and challenges. When we make assumptions, it impacts the experience of everyone involved.
Use your imagination and visualize any tough situation for your kid. Don’t go for the home run on this, simply choose something that brings up moderate levels of emotion. Now just sit there, think about this scenario, and complete a couple exercises.
• Take a second and write down what feelings come up for you (stress, irritation, anger…etc).
• Make a list of the reasons why you believe caused this to happen (laziness, not being motivated…etc).
• Sit down for one minute and breathe. Focus on your lungs expanding on your in breathe and your muscles softening on your out breathe. If your mind drifts to a distraction, bring yourself back to your breathe. Just one minute.
• After your minute of breathing ask yourself, could there be any other reason behind my child’s behavior? Could your child’s intentions behind the behavior be different than you thought?
At the end of the day, you can afford to take a minute and step away from an emotionally charged situation. This time away can help you gain just a little more clarity and open-mindedness, which last time I checked can go a long way to a kid.
*this blog was derived from the amazing book Mindful Parenting for ADHD by Dr. Mark Bertin.
by Jonathan Wolf | Jan 8, 2019 | Anxiety, Children, Communication, parenting, parents, Teenagers
It’s been on Dr. Phil.
Traditional therapy in an office setting can work for many, but for some, it’s tough to get off the ground. Don’t give up, because, for those that have tried or are adverse to traditional therapy, there are many options. One great option is Animal-Assisted Therapy (AAT). It’s possible you have heard about this type of therapy on Dr. Phil, The Doctors, or Dr. Oz, but it’s your lucky day. Read on as Charlsey Gentile, Owner of Life Is Golden Coaching and practitioner of Animal Assisted Therapy explains a bit more about AAT.
Imagine this — you are taking an enjoyable walk on a cool autumn afternoon where the leaves are changing and the sun is shining. While on your walk you see someone sitting on a bench. What do you do:
- Walk by?
- Say Hello?
- Smile?
- Pay no attention at all?
- Approach the person and engage in conversation?
In Comes Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT):
New scenario — it starts the same way, yet the only difference is that the person sitting on the bench is with their dog. Do you react differently in this situation than in the one above? Research shows that people are more inclined to approach an/or engage with others if they have a dog with them (UCLA’s Findings on Animal Assisted Therapy).
Now imagine you or maybe your child, are about to embark upon a first counseling session. This can often make one feel vulnerable. As humans, we tend to be judgemental of ourselves and feel that others may also be judging us. Now imagine that a dog is at the counseling session. Did you smile or maybe feel less nervous about the situation? Does this sound like a welcomed addition to counseling? If so, you are in luck! This practice actually exists and it is called Animal-Assisted Therapy (AAT).
AAT is when a professional in a specific field pair with a trained and certified animal to help enhance his or her practice. For counseling, dogs can function as a distraction, a point of common interest to start the conversation, help in developing the counseling relationship, and be a non-judgemental (albeit passive) participant in the sessions.
Benefits of AAT:
To top it all off, the presence of an animal and/or the act of petting an animal can do the following:
- Release feel-good hormones
- Help reduce anxiety
- Provide comfort
- Be an icebreaker
- Lower blood pressure
- Slow down breathing and heart rate
- Create a more enjoyable counseling environment.
For those who love (or even like dogs) or have children who do this can be a wonderful option when looking for support in your own journey.
[email protected]
https://sites.google.com/view/lifeisgolden/
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 26, 2017 | Advice, Anxiety, Attitudes, boundaries, Children, Communication, Compromise, Consistency, Decisions, Emotions, Expectations, Failure, Fear, Fighting, Focus, Life Coaching, Listening, parenting, parents, positive reinforcement, Trust
As a parent, ever wonder what is going on inside your kid’s mind?
Through the positive work we have completed with adolescence, young adults, and families we’ve heard and seen almost everything. Kids want their freedom (sometimes without responsibility) and respect, while parents struggle with communication, setting boundaries, and timing.
Here are ten real thoughts direct from clients about their parents.
#1 I can’t talk to them because they will just get angry at me.
#2 All they care about are grades.
#3 They tell me to stop doing things that they do all the time and it’s bullshit.
#4 They won’t understand if I told them or will make me feel like it isn’t important.
#5 They choose when it’s convenient to say no and get upset.
#6 I don’t want to be like them.
#7 I tell them what they want to hear.
#8 When I actually try to talk to them about something that happened, I just get in trouble.
#9 When you start lecturing, I stop listening.
#10 When you trash my friends, I start disliking you, not them.
Remember, parenting is an imperfect process and so is being a kid. We are not sharing this list so you can take on all of the items one by one, instead, use it as a guide to see where more attention could be placed. When it comes to your kid’s motivation things can drastically change as they get older but if you’re able to adapt with the times, stay hip, and simultaneously hold true to healthy principles then this process could be easier on you.
Here’s just one easier way to think about motivation. Remember, in parenting, effort counts.
What goes into your kid’s motivation?
Just like when a kid doesn’t get their way, the thoughts kids have about their parents are changing by the minute. The importance behind these thoughts is where the focus should lay. Communication is typically always an underlying relationship issue between parents and kids. Check out these other blogs for helpful tips on communication with your teens, How to Love Your Kids When They Are Tough to Love and Do NOT Try to be Your Child’s Best Friend.
Feel free to leave comments below or on any of our social media pages to get a conversation going!
by YouTime Coaching | May 19, 2017 | Advice, Appreciation, Behavior, Benefit, boundaries, Children, Communication, Direction, Dreams, Growth, Human Needs, Insight, Kids, parenting, parents, Positive Psychology, positive reinforcement, Support, Teenagers, Understanding
Kids can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Harsh words? Maybe. One thing is for sure though, those words are definitely filled to the brim with truth… harsh truth. This isn’t taking away from your unconditional love for them, it’s simply acknowledging that kids can sometimes do things that are very tough to love.
This is why parents turn to advice from others, seek out simple solutions, and time hacks. Sometimes it isn’t all that easy and you give into your frustrations, irritations, and anger. As parents, you are teachers, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS YOUR KID DOES NOT WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU. Because the eyes are always on you, the advice you get absolutely needs to be solid.
YouTime Coaching’s extensive work with high-school and college students along with all of the hours worth of support for parents has allowed us to understand some keys elements in how to be a great teacher for your child even during those tough times. When it comes down to it, a child wants to understand, perceive they have some control, and feel supported in a non-judgmental way.
The hardest times to be a “good teacher” with your kids? (never thought you’d ask!)
Just to mention a few:
- when setting boundaries
- when you are angry, frustrated, or irritated (and sometimes hungry)
- when parents are on different pages
- when you feel as though your child is not listening
- when “nothing else seems to work”
- when your kid is an adolescent
- anytime
We don’t want you to be good teachers… we want you to be in many cases the kind of teacher “you wish you had growing up”, the kind of teacher that is more emotionally available than some families had in previous generations, and most importantly we want you to be the type of teacher that not only shows but explains the benefits in learning from failures, how to be compassionate to yourself and others, and have enough awareness/knowledge about what they are doing and why they are doing it.
For these reasons and with an entire year of putting together some of the most effective researched methods of teaching, motivation, and human behavior we have creating the “R.I.S.E. Method of Parent Teaching”.
The premise behind the acronym “R.I.S.E.” is for parents to use the powers of awareness, communication, non-judgmental support, and compassion as a way to elevate their parenting and ultimately their relationship with their child.
Use can use this method while trying to set boundaries with your children, teach them important lessons, disciplining (btw before disciplining your kid read this amazing article, https://www.verywell.com/what-is-child-discipline-620113), and even just trying to improve your communication with them.
Remember, punishment is easy, discipline is hard. Implementing this method may be challenging and outside your comfort zone, if you need some guidance please drop us a line!
DOWNLOAD THE R.I.S.E. METHOD HERE.
