by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 18, 2014 | Advice, Connections, Dating, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Receive, Relationships
“I don’t feel like picking a girl up at a bar.”
“I always seem to meet a guy that is completely wrong for me.”
“It is such an easy hook up.”
“They didn’t look like their profile picture.”
For those familiar with the online dating scene these thoughts may hit all to close to home. When it comes to trying Plenty of Fish or the recently popularized site Tinder, everyone seems to have such high hopes.
Sure they take the “going out to meet someone” concept out of the equation and match individualizes based on personality, interests and relationship goals, but is this potentially causing more harm than good? This is in no way discounting the healthy and long lasting relationships that have bloomed from online dating, because there are many. Nor is this claiming that online dating is bad, in fact it helps many people connect with individuals they wouldn’t have in the first place.
For perspective sake, could pre-matching individuals be handicapping us by minimizing the real life challenges presented while trying to connect with someone in a less constructed social environment?
Sure, that sounds like a hypothesis for a politically correct research paper, but the real question is “Why does this generation need online dating so bad?”
Reasons I have heard so far:
“I don’t have enough time to go meet somebody.” (very popular one)
“I am not good at hitting on women/guys at a bar.”
“It takes all the middle stuff out.”
Online dating has its purposes, but the perspective I would like to provide you with is how to use online dating principles to improve your non-online dating love life.
PRINCIPLE #1
Proximity Principle
Put simply, things that are closer to each other tend to stay together, get grouped together, and form interpersonal relationships. Tinder uses this technique quite wonderfully by searching for potential matches in your area. To steal some of this effect and apply it without an online dating profile, find local hang outs and places of interests. This could be a coffee shop/cafe, restaurant, parks…etc. Whatever it is, if it is closer to where you work, live, or typically hangout the likelihood of seeing the same people more then once will increase.
PRINCIPLE #2
VULNERABILITY
So you don’t want to share your entire life and baggage on the first date or even first encounter but you do want to create a genuine connection. Online dating allows you put some of that information out there for others to judge whether or not it is in sync with their beliefs, values, and priorities. What you need to do is find that middle ground between “What time is it?” or “Great weather today” with “How many ex-girlfriends/boyfriends do you have” or “I would love to have kids”. There is a time and place for this. Offer a little information that creates a small amount of vulnerability and let them know you are human. For example, when I first started dating my wife I told her that I grew up the middle child of two sisters and that is most likely why I am able to handle “chick-flicks”. I could of been judged on this but instead it was a source of humor and connection.
PRINCIPLE #3
LETS BE FRIENDS
Regardless of your dating goals, it is more than okay to establish “non-romantic” relationships. In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification. Take the time to get to know somebody and establish a foundation to build off of. Sex is one aspect of a relationship and is popular thing for couples to focus on. If you meet somebody out, focus on building a genuine connection and not simply a physical one.
I hope you are able to find these 3 principles useful in your
search for that special somebody.
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 22, 2014 | Communication, Compromise, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Get, Give, Listening, Receive, Relationships, Science
Sure he looks calm, cool, and collective, because he has to be! Former FBI negotiator Gary Noesner explains to us how to get anybody on your side.
There are 6 keys steps that Gary shares with us. It is important to hit all of them as best as you can. If you feel like you can’t manage that (not a big deal and not a simple task at the beginning) than simply tackle a couple that you are confident you can handle.
Step 1:
Don’t Try to Win
In a hostage situation, we never go in saying “We’re gonna wink and this person’s gonna lose.” Its not about getting you to comply with what I want or accept my point of view. It’s about us working together to reach the best agreement we can. A win is a mutual thing.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Your relationship with your spouse, boss, or any other meaningful relationship.
Step 2:Keep Your Emotions In Check
Self-control is essential when trying to influence someone’s decision-making process. If you get angry or display frustration, if your body language says you’re pissed off, you’ve lost already. But if you behave in positive ways, it has a tendency to be mimicked. It’s hard to have a two-way argument when only one person is arguing.
*YouTime Practice Applications*
Once again any meaningful relationships, when you are having a “bad day”, when you need something from somebody.
Interested in the science of mimicking?
Check out this interesting article on mirror neurons.
The Mind’s Mirror – American Psychological Association
Step 3:
Keep Their Emotions In Check
When people are argumentative and raising their voices, what they are really saying is, “I want you to hear me, I’m angry.” So acknowledge that. “You sound like you are really upset.” Slow down and wait to articulate your point of view. Imagine a child’s teeter-totter at an angle: When emotions are high rationality is low. Before you can gain cooperation, you have to lower emotions.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
At the beginning of arguments to establish acceptance, to normalize somebody’s feelings, when you absolutely need people to hear your valid points, and definitely use this you are considered “a bad listener”.
Step 4:
Be a Good Listener
Take the time to understand the other person’s point of view and you’re much more likely to be successful in getting what you want. Be open physically too: Face the person, make good eye contact, be attentive and smile – it’s one of the most powerful influencing tools we know.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Use when speaking with a female (the love listeners) and effective during communicating sensitive topics.
Step 5:
Start Small
If you treat an argument like a zero-sum game, it prevents you from taking a more appropriate intermediate step, which is, let’s find some common areas. Tackle the issue that has the best chance for compromise. Lock that one down, then move on to the more difficult ones, knowing they may not be solvable.
*YouTime Practical Application*
When arguing with “bigger concept” type people, when compromise is what you are looking for, and when the issue you are dealing with is a longer term “process” problem.
Step 6:
Give to Receive
If you demonstrate a willingness to be open and flexible – that you’re willing to meet halfway, that there are aspects of your position you might modify – it puts a burden on them. It’s like saying, “It’s your turn to show that you, too, can be sensible.” Most reasonable, intelligent people will say, “OK, this person has stepped to on the a limb, they’re are willing to work with me. Now I have to show something.”
*YouTime Practical Application*
Use when dealing with reasonable people, somebody that is rigid may not take well to this method. Use if you are communicating to somebody that believes you are a rigid person. Always give to receive, the law of reciprocity is on your side.
*This article was adapted and sourced from Men’s Journal, April 2014. The article was written by Maria Fontoura.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 25, 2014 | Brain, Certainty, Control, Decisions, happiness, Harvard, Mental Effort, Mental Health, Positive Psychology, Relationships, Shawn Achor, Stress, Uncertainty
Let’s talk happiness for a second.
Imagine that the amazing Professor Ben-Shahar or Shawn Achor, both of Harvard University’s Positive Psychology program asked
 |
| Tal Ben-Shahar |
YOU to give a lecture to a group of students on how to create happiness, make decisions that will increase your happiness levels, and ways to predict how happy you will be in any given circumstance.
 |
| Shawn Achor |
Maybe right now you have already formulated a speech in your mind that will be flawlessly delivered to the eager crowd of young students. They will hear your words of wisdom and leave the lecture hall feeling confident, optimistic and ridiculously more happy!
Or maybe not…
Recent major personal life changes, decisions, and transitions have motived me to write this piece on happiness. I will be sure to update everybody on these big life changes in a blog very soon.
Answer this quick question:
What do you have in your life right now that creates happiness for you?
My answer to this question contained items such as:
- Good relationships
- An amazing fiancé
- A great apartment
- A wonderful doggie (love you Bipsy!)
- A great job
- Financial security
- A nice car
- Health insurance
And a few other things that came quickly to mind.
Research shows that ONLY 10% of your long-term happiness is derived from these external factors.
There secret to 90% of your long-term happiness?
Answer: How your brain reacts to these external factors.
One of the biggest challenges with individuals and happiness today is that they believe they have absolutely no control over it.
When people lack certainty in their life and have an abundance of uncertainty, they are at a high risk of experiencing unhealthy amounts of anxiety.
Unfortunately debilitating levels of anxiety and happiness can not exist at the same time. This is why many therapists have clients create a “positive thought jar”. Individuals can not maintain a negative and positive thought in their minds at the same time. When you experience yourself focusing on a negative thought, go to your positive thought jar, and pull out a positive affirmation to combat the negative thinking.
It is funny and maybe you know this, most individuals feel they have little control over their own happiness yet 90% is derived through a process that happens within you!
Stop predicting and start looking at the hard facts.
Become a detective by taking some of your biggest stressors, successes, decisions, and relationships and begin dissecting what makes them stressful, exciting, negative, successful and/or challenging for you.
This is worth the mental effort!
Take 10 minutes now to play detective and figure out how your brain reacts to the list you created above.
YouTime’s Summary:
It is important understand that happiness does not come from the external factors around you, it is created within you by the way your brain reacts to those external factors.
The amount of expensive, lavish, and desirable possessions you have in your life is meaningless UNTIL your brain creates meaning for these things. The way your brain creates meaning to those possessions and relationships is unique to you. Take the time to understand yourself, your inner drives, and how you choose to react to your environment.
It is your brain.
It is your happiness.
Take control.
For more information regarding research on happiness, please visit:
Http://goodthinkinc.com/research/
