by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2019 | Academics, Advice, alcohol, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Certainty, Children, Communication, Confidence, Depression, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Motivation, parenting, parents, Relationships, Sadness, Self-Esteem, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Uncertainty
As hard as it is to admit, when I was in high-school, I bullied kids. Let me explain…
I didn’t take their lunches (I was a 6ft lanky fella who could have easily been beat up), get in physical fights, give out wedgies and hang them up by their underwear, or shove people into lockers. I was into sports, had popular friends, usually had a popular girlfriend, was invited to junior and senior parties as a freshman and sophomore, and dressed nice.
On the inside, none of that shit really mattered. I was incredibly anxious, insecure (pro at hiding it), constantly questioned where I stood in the eyes of others and typically felt inadequate because of self-comparison.
My bullying method of choice in high-school was mental warfare. I would insult other people about how they looked, moved, ate, spoke, and just about anything else they was available for others to see. In my insecure teenage mind, if I put someone down 10 social/confidence points then I would go up 10 points and so on. Making fun of others to feel better about myself was the currency and I was rich in that respect, but oh was I super fucking poor in more important areas.
You see, I had convinced myself that this was the fast way to feeling confident, happy, accepted, and comfortable. Unfortunately, this method breeds the opposite feelings and sets you on a really challenging trajectory.
A kid’s search for acceptance is very messy.
As a parent, you may not agree with the decisions your kid is making and that is completely fine. Coming from a place of, “I can understand why you would do this but it doesn’t make it excusable”, is a healthy mindset.
As a Freshman on Varsity soccer and baseball, I was hanging out with the “super cool” Juniors and Seniors. I started smoking weed, drinking, and finding ways to “fit in” with others because I wasn’t sure at all about myself. I managed to get “good enough” grades so people would stay off my back and expect just a little less out of me compared to others. I got into trouble at home and in school, with the exception being sports. Sports was special because I was able to channel many of the tough emotions (anger/sadness) into physical output. It was the closet thing I knew to a direct correlation between how much personal effort I put in and how much positive feedback I got out of it. It kept me more in line than anything else at the time.
One thing I know for sure is that if you put all your eggs in one basket for support, as a crutch, and tie it to your identify then you run the risk of a crisis down the line. That’s what happened next.
After high-school graduation, I moved up to New England to play baseball for the University of Rhode Island (notice how I didn’t say “to be a student” or “to major in…”). On September 17th, which just so happened to be my birthday as well as two weeks after I moved-in and less than a week before training started, I broke my left pitching elbow. Getting my legs taken out from under me playing (sober) soccer on a basketball court did me in. It was the ending of baseball career before if started and the beginning of a crisis.
I have to be a student now?
That’s not what I signed up for but it was my new reality. It caused significant anxiety, panic attacks, a desire to isolate myself. Since I’m left handed and broke that elbow, I couldn’t write and so I stopped going to a lot of classes or just never took notes which led to my gpa being an impressive 2.4.
Things got a little worse before they got massively better and I credit where I’m at today with reaching out for outside support.
In the final two years of undergrad, my gpa was almost a 4.0. The first year out I worked psych research with detained adolescence, got accepted and went to Boston University’s Sport Psychology and Counseling Master’s program (on a 75% scholarship and finishing with a 3.9 gpa), and have been running a Youth, Family, and Adult Life Coaching company for 10+ years.
We live in a world where it’s all too common for kids to be shamed for their weirdness and uniqueness. It teaches them to turn AWAY from their uniqueness and TOWARD… acceptance.
With kids, this basically means trying to “fit in”, conform, and act within the group norms. Conformity has its appropriate place and time as does groups norms, but having kids turn AWAY from their weirdness and uniqueness because of shame, uncertainty of what their social status will be, or whether they think others (including parents) will accept them will in no doubt backfire for them in the future.
Every week, I see the impact this has on young people. I hear them share perspectives and stories on how they feel as though they are “putting on a show”, “don’t know who they are”, “will lose friends in a second if they don’t…[insert superficial factor]”, how they “don’t feel good enough”, and how they “feel that they can’t act like themselves around their parents and most of their friends”.
I see a little bit of me in each of them.
It’s sad, but it’s real and the solution starts at home. Parenting is tough, being a kid is tough, and it’s not about placing your kid in a bubble. No bulldozer, helicopter, or tiger parenting here. We need to get back to a place where we put down our screens, have them put theirs down too, listen and communicate with empathy and honesty, find out what kinds of weirdness/uniqueness they have, help them explore it, and teach them ways to persevere.
Parents need to have boundaries (which are seen as a source of love from kids), talk about the tough topics, incentivize healthy behavior but also (appropriately) discipline poor choices. Yes, this can be done compassionately and keeping in tact the message that you love and support them.
This can happen anywhere, but it starts in the home.
by YouTime Coaching | May 21, 2014 | Change, happiness, Positive, Self-Change, Stages of Change, Support, Tracking Progress
The “Self-Help” field is a multi-billion dollar a year industry. By the figures alone, most people are consistently trying to improve themselves, experience change, and accomplish goals.
There is potential for significant harm when simply picking up a self-help book in the local bookstore. Here is a great clip of
Dr. John Norcross (one of the leading researchers in personal and professional change), sharing how there are actually only a couple, literally, a couple resources out there proven to work and how others can cause serious harm to you.
If you skipped down to this before watching the clip, don’t try taking a short-cut (that may say something about how you also approach your own personal and professional change). Go back and watch it.
Okay, so you have watched the clip and I want to now provide you with what I believe are 3 of the most important researched and proven to work strategies that will be vital to any self-change.
Strategy 1:
“Nobody wants to achieve the negative”
Imagine setting a goal, such as,
“I want to stop procrastinating”
“I want to not overeat”
“I want to stop being attracted to jerks”
“I don’t want to work a miserable job”
Does this sound all too familiar?
A huge number of individuals fall short in a fundamental piece to goal setting, which is, DO NOT SET NEGATIVE GOALS. Nobody wants to achieve a negative goal or move forward with it.
Almost sounds conflicting…”I am going to achieve and make progress with the negative”
When setting your goal, make sure to set it in a “positive-frame” rather than a “negative frame”. I will list some examples.
“I will stop procrastinating” (negative frame)
“i will be more pro-active and assertive” (positive frame)
“I don’t want to overeat” (negative frame)
“I will be more mindful and conscious regarding my meals” (positive frame)
Moving towards something positive and something “gained” has a far more positive impact then trying to “avoid the negative” or “delete” something out of your life. The “positive frame” will help with your mental and physical endurance while pursuing the goal!
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Strategy 2:
“Nobody wants to be alone”
Sure we all want to think that we can make changes, reach goals, and live amazing lives all by ourselves. As much as this sounds nice and empowering, research shows that it is absolutely necessary to have a support team along the way.
Your social support team will not only help you progress with your goals, but is actually a huge factor in an individuals happiness!
This is what you need to do.
- Make a list of specific ways you need support in achieving your change.
- Number the specific ways so you know exactly how many people you need on your “team”.
- Start fielding a team by contacting people you know and specifically asking for their help in the way that you need it. (remember that some may not be comfortable, knowledgeable, or willing to help out for many reasons. It is important you are clear with them about what you are trying to accomplish and ask them if they can support you in that way)
- Keep your team updated throughout the process and stay connected! (communicate with them if you need check ins, help with accountability…etc)
Things to think about regarding support:
- There are different types of support, so different people should be included as each person offers something new.
- Some people aren’t able to provide the support you need, so be clear with them about your needs and respect if they aren’t able to help out.
- You are not looking for friends and family to coach you. Many people would like to add their “5 cents” to the conversation. This is not the support you are looking for. That support comes from a trained and experienced Life Coach.
Strategy 3:
“If you take steps backwards, you will want to stop walking”
So you establish a specific, attainable, realistic, and timely goal that is in line with your values, now what?
One of the pieces I purposely left out of the above equation is making your goal “measurable”.
You MUST find ways to measure your progress.
Research shows that measuring progress can increase your self-confidence, motivation to continue, and happiness. On a simple level, take a second and think about why anybody would desire to continue pursuing something that you are not showing improvement or making progress on.
Truth is, they don’t want to continue!
In this day and age, technology can be your friend and help you track progress. Here is a link that will provide apps that help you track progress on numerous types of goals.
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YouTime Coaching provides Life Coaching and Therapeutic Mentoring to individuals and families. YouTime Coaching works side by side with individuals to help create direction, passion, and produce lasting personal and professional change. Together we create an environment for clients that truly delivers the necessary “YOU” time needed to regain focus, motivation, and the desire to grow. Together, we will discover what truly motivates and drives your most successful decisions and behaviors.
YouTime Coaching will help define your goals, support systems, purpose and value to change, help find multiple ways of achieving it, and make the necessary shifts in body, language, and focus to get you there. Through working with a diverse population of clients, YouTime Coaching has successfully helped many adolescents, adults, parents, athletes, and those in the performing arts with building resiliency, motivation, confidence, and lasting personal and professional change.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 25, 2014 | Brain, Certainty, Control, Decisions, happiness, Harvard, Mental Effort, Mental Health, Positive Psychology, Relationships, Shawn Achor, Stress, Uncertainty
Let’s talk happiness for a second.
Imagine that the amazing Professor Ben-Shahar or Shawn Achor, both of Harvard University’s Positive Psychology program asked
 |
| Tal Ben-Shahar |
YOU to give a lecture to a group of students on how to create happiness, make decisions that will increase your happiness levels, and ways to predict how happy you will be in any given circumstance.
 |
| Shawn Achor |
Maybe right now you have already formulated a speech in your mind that will be flawlessly delivered to the eager crowd of young students. They will hear your words of wisdom and leave the lecture hall feeling confident, optimistic and ridiculously more happy!
Or maybe not…
Recent major personal life changes, decisions, and transitions have motived me to write this piece on happiness. I will be sure to update everybody on these big life changes in a blog very soon.
Answer this quick question:
What do you have in your life right now that creates happiness for you?
My answer to this question contained items such as:
- Good relationships
- An amazing fiancé
- A great apartment
- A wonderful doggie (love you Bipsy!)
- A great job
- Financial security
- A nice car
- Health insurance
And a few other things that came quickly to mind.
Research shows that ONLY 10% of your long-term happiness is derived from these external factors.
There secret to 90% of your long-term happiness?
Answer: How your brain reacts to these external factors.
One of the biggest challenges with individuals and happiness today is that they believe they have absolutely no control over it.
When people lack certainty in their life and have an abundance of uncertainty, they are at a high risk of experiencing unhealthy amounts of anxiety.
Unfortunately debilitating levels of anxiety and happiness can not exist at the same time. This is why many therapists have clients create a “positive thought jar”. Individuals can not maintain a negative and positive thought in their minds at the same time. When you experience yourself focusing on a negative thought, go to your positive thought jar, and pull out a positive affirmation to combat the negative thinking.
It is funny and maybe you know this, most individuals feel they have little control over their own happiness yet 90% is derived through a process that happens within you!
Stop predicting and start looking at the hard facts.
Become a detective by taking some of your biggest stressors, successes, decisions, and relationships and begin dissecting what makes them stressful, exciting, negative, successful and/or challenging for you.
This is worth the mental effort!
Take 10 minutes now to play detective and figure out how your brain reacts to the list you created above.
YouTime’s Summary:
It is important understand that happiness does not come from the external factors around you, it is created within you by the way your brain reacts to those external factors.
The amount of expensive, lavish, and desirable possessions you have in your life is meaningless UNTIL your brain creates meaning for these things. The way your brain creates meaning to those possessions and relationships is unique to you. Take the time to understand yourself, your inner drives, and how you choose to react to your environment.
It is your brain.
It is your happiness.
Take control.
For more information regarding research on happiness, please visit:
Http://goodthinkinc.com/research/
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 25, 2014 | Affect, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Clutter, Emotions, Fear, happiness, Law of Attraction, Memories, Peanuts, Pig-Pen, Sadness, Suppression
Let me introduce you to my old friend “Pig-Pen”.
Pig-Pen is special in many ways but as you notice he carries a cloud of dirt around with him. No matter how hard he tries to clean himself the cloud of dirt almost magically reappears.
It is almost as if this individual is a magnet for dirt.
Individuals, like you and me, have the magnificent ability to attract specific things into our lives. Sometimes we invite genuine new friendships and connections, while other times we attract chaotic relationships and environments to live in.
You can almost say that humans have a magnetic field for these things.
I am going to walk you through a map I came up with. This map will help you see if you and Pig-Pen have a couple things in common.
What drives human behavior?
EMOTIONS!
When your happy, ecstatic, and empowered you can accomplish amazing things at incredible speeds. At the same time, when you are sad, irritated, and aggravated an individual can cause detriment very quickly to themselves and those in their environment. Emotions drive us. It is our fuel, empowering and disempowering.
What happens when you experience many emotions at one time?
Build-up, Suppression, and Inability to Properly Process
You all have most likely had a time in your life when you were experiencing multiple emotions at one time. Maybe at the time one emotion really stood out to you (anger, sadness…etc). Or possibly you felt confused and didn’t know what to feel.
What does this put you at risk for?
“Emotional Clutter”
Emotional Clutter are the thoughts, beliefs, events, memories, experiences, and feedback that we have received or been through in the past that have not passed through us but have simply become stuck in our mind and body.
Who does this affect?
1. You
2. The individuals around you
Is the “cloud” always visible to us?
No, not at all. Ever feel like you have “processed” or “gotten past” something and one day it creeps back into your life? Well, that is simply the “cloud” rearing its invisible ugly head.
What does it affect?
This cloud will filter and affect;
1. Everything we think about (our mental focus).
2. Everyone we meet (and the type of people we meet).
3. What we do (and what we don’t do).
3 Things You Must Know About “Emotional Clutter”
1. Our “cloud” can combine with other people’s clouds (others perceptions, agendas, world views).
2. Our “cloud” attracts more clutter (from friends, family, new connections, environments).
3. Our “cloud” leaves debris for others to pick up
One Opposing Force to “Emotional Clutter”
The Law of Attraction:
“Like attracts Like”
Events are attracted by you and the energy that you send out to the world, the environment you exist in, and the people around you. Individuals receive the positive or negative energy you send out. In order to oppose Pig-Pen’s magnetic attraction for dirt, he must focus and manifest positive energy to getting clean.
In human talk, take some time to really think hard about what you want, your intentions behind it, and ask for it!
2 More Techniques to Release the “Clutter”
1. Find one behavior to release
What is one negative behavior you feel safe and secure releasing? Find one and focus on just that.
2. Focus on the process more then the outcome.
It is simple for most to identify where they would like to be in life. Sometimes requiring a little bit of thought. What many people don’t realize is that the process to get their is just as, if not more important than the outcome.
“Emotional Clutter” is made up of individual strands. Focus on the individual strands to detangle the “clutter”. Maintaining focus on the entire “cloud” will become overwhelming, stress inducing, and harmful to your success.
I think we both can see the smile on Pig-Pen’s cloudless face now.
Resources for your “Emotional Clutter”:
Thanks for reading!
All the Best,
Jonathan
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 16, 2014 | Anthony Robbins, Appreciation, Commitment, Consistency, Creativity, Dreams, Expectations, Fear, happiness, Love, Quotes, Regret |
A good quote can motivate somebody to try something new, persist through tough times, or make necessary changes in their life. Quotes are so powerful because they embody an entire mindset, image, story, and lifestyle within one single sentence.
In my perspective, what makes a quote set itself apart is if it actually motivates you to take action with your life simply by the burning desire it ignited in you. Sounds powerful and somewhat unbelievable, huh? It happens and it will right now.
Following the quotes below will include a very small and incredibly manageable exercise to complete. Do this and consider you day a success.
1.
Exercise: Since scheduling makes it real, lets schedule! Think about something that you enjoy doing, that is positive for you, or brings you great vibes and schedule it for the very near future. Set this in your calendar, with as many reminds as possible, and lets make this real!
2.
Exercise: Keep it simple stupid. What we are constant and consistent with, as simple as it sounds, is what makes the real difference. Choose something right now, that is once again extremely manageable and positive (requires minimal time, minimal resources, and minimal excuses) and agree to do it every day for 30 days. Some people may choose taking one deep breath a day, drinking a glass of water in the morning, or saying hello to one stranger.
Whatever you choose, stay consistent and constant.
3.
Exercise: For this exercise, I want you to do two things.
First, write down something you love doing.
Second, write down something you could do with more love.
4.
Exercise: Wrong? Never! For this exercise I want you to write down or state out loud something that you have been wrong about. After all, we all have been wrong at some point in our life.
5.
Exercise: If you don’t appreciate what life has offered you, you begin to take it for granted. Write down 5 things that you appreciate in your life (if you have more then 5 keep the list going!).
Congratulations! If you followed the exercises then you have had one successful day.
Take this message with you,
Live your life by continuing to grow through your actions, being consistent, appreciating everything, not fearing being wrong, and most of all, live your life with love.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 2, 2013 | Confidence, determination, happiness, Hope, normal, perseverance, Reframing, Stroke, TED Talks
Recently, I came across a TED talk video that featured a mother and father (Roberto D’Angelo and Francesca Fideli) who were happily married in 2002 and gave birth to their beautiful son, Mario, in 2011. For many parents, children are a continuation of themselves, their lives, their ancestry, their story. Parents truly feel as though they have produced a miracle and a thing of absolute beauty to be cherished for many years to come.
What happens when the same beauty, child, and miracle has a stroke?
Mario experienced what is known as a “Perinatal Stroke” at only 10 days of age. He was unable to control the left side of his body. While Mario lost some control in his newly formed life so did his parents while they were ambushed with a flood of emotions ranging from the feeling of failure, anxiety, depression, and confusion. What can a parent do in order to instill a sense of certainty, security, and safety?
Mario’s parents worked hard to help their child recover. They began a pilot program for Mirror Neuron Rehabilitation.
As D’Angelo explains, “The theory of mirror neuron says that, in your brain, as you watch me do this, you are activating exactly the same neurons as if you do the actions.”
The goal for this program was to show Mario items, demonstrate how to pick them up, and use them. This would in turn be mirrored by Mario himself. What they discovered was that Mario was paying just as much attention to his parents emotions as he was to their body movements.
Following this discovery Roberto and Francesca thought, what are we missing?
What am I missing? What is wrong?
These questions come up quite frequently for parents and their children. Fortunately, Roberto and Francesca made the necessary shift in mindset to help their son Mario, but many people stay stuck in the “What is missing?” head game.
What Mario’s parents did, and what I encourage you to do RIGHT NOW is restructure that thought of “What is missing?” to “What can I offer?”.
What is missing? vs What can I offer?
Ask your self important questions such as, “What do the individuals that know me best think I have to offer?” and “What can I offer to other people, my environment, and this world?”
AND
From now on, when you are faced with the question, “What am I missing?”. Ask yourself,“What can I offer?”
Look at little Mario now!
