by YouTime Coaching | Aug 18, 2014 | Advice, Connections, Dating, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Receive, Relationships
“I don’t feel like picking a girl up at a bar.”
“I always seem to meet a guy that is completely wrong for me.”
“It is such an easy hook up.”
“They didn’t look like their profile picture.”
For those familiar with the online dating scene these thoughts may hit all to close to home. When it comes to trying Plenty of Fish or the recently popularized site Tinder, everyone seems to have such high hopes.
Sure they take the “going out to meet someone” concept out of the equation and match individualizes based on personality, interests and relationship goals, but is this potentially causing more harm than good? This is in no way discounting the healthy and long lasting relationships that have bloomed from online dating, because there are many. Nor is this claiming that online dating is bad, in fact it helps many people connect with individuals they wouldn’t have in the first place.
For perspective sake, could pre-matching individuals be handicapping us by minimizing the real life challenges presented while trying to connect with someone in a less constructed social environment?
Sure, that sounds like a hypothesis for a politically correct research paper, but the real question is “Why does this generation need online dating so bad?”
Reasons I have heard so far:
“I don’t have enough time to go meet somebody.” (very popular one)
“I am not good at hitting on women/guys at a bar.”
“It takes all the middle stuff out.”
Online dating has its purposes, but the perspective I would like to provide you with is how to use online dating principles to improve your non-online dating love life.
PRINCIPLE #1
Proximity Principle
Put simply, things that are closer to each other tend to stay together, get grouped together, and form interpersonal relationships. Tinder uses this technique quite wonderfully by searching for potential matches in your area. To steal some of this effect and apply it without an online dating profile, find local hang outs and places of interests. This could be a coffee shop/cafe, restaurant, parks…etc. Whatever it is, if it is closer to where you work, live, or typically hangout the likelihood of seeing the same people more then once will increase.
PRINCIPLE #2
VULNERABILITY
So you don’t want to share your entire life and baggage on the first date or even first encounter but you do want to create a genuine connection. Online dating allows you put some of that information out there for others to judge whether or not it is in sync with their beliefs, values, and priorities. What you need to do is find that middle ground between “What time is it?” or “Great weather today” with “How many ex-girlfriends/boyfriends do you have” or “I would love to have kids”. There is a time and place for this. Offer a little information that creates a small amount of vulnerability and let them know you are human. For example, when I first started dating my wife I told her that I grew up the middle child of two sisters and that is most likely why I am able to handle “chick-flicks”. I could of been judged on this but instead it was a source of humor and connection.
PRINCIPLE #3
LETS BE FRIENDS
Regardless of your dating goals, it is more than okay to establish “non-romantic” relationships. In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification. Take the time to get to know somebody and establish a foundation to build off of. Sex is one aspect of a relationship and is popular thing for couples to focus on. If you meet somebody out, focus on building a genuine connection and not simply a physical one.
I hope you are able to find these 3 principles useful in your
search for that special somebody.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 25, 2014 | Affect, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Clutter, Emotions, Fear, happiness, Law of Attraction, Memories, Peanuts, Pig-Pen, Sadness, Suppression
Let me introduce you to my old friend “Pig-Pen”.
Pig-Pen is special in many ways but as you notice he carries a cloud of dirt around with him. No matter how hard he tries to clean himself the cloud of dirt almost magically reappears.
It is almost as if this individual is a magnet for dirt.
Individuals, like you and me, have the magnificent ability to attract specific things into our lives. Sometimes we invite genuine new friendships and connections, while other times we attract chaotic relationships and environments to live in.
You can almost say that humans have a magnetic field for these things.
I am going to walk you through a map I came up with. This map will help you see if you and Pig-Pen have a couple things in common.
What drives human behavior?
EMOTIONS!
When your happy, ecstatic, and empowered you can accomplish amazing things at incredible speeds. At the same time, when you are sad, irritated, and aggravated an individual can cause detriment very quickly to themselves and those in their environment. Emotions drive us. It is our fuel, empowering and disempowering.
What happens when you experience many emotions at one time?
Build-up, Suppression, and Inability to Properly Process
You all have most likely had a time in your life when you were experiencing multiple emotions at one time. Maybe at the time one emotion really stood out to you (anger, sadness…etc). Or possibly you felt confused and didn’t know what to feel.
What does this put you at risk for?
“Emotional Clutter”
Emotional Clutter are the thoughts, beliefs, events, memories, experiences, and feedback that we have received or been through in the past that have not passed through us but have simply become stuck in our mind and body.
Who does this affect?
1. You
2. The individuals around you
Is the “cloud” always visible to us?
No, not at all. Ever feel like you have “processed” or “gotten past” something and one day it creeps back into your life? Well, that is simply the “cloud” rearing its invisible ugly head.
What does it affect?
This cloud will filter and affect;
1. Everything we think about (our mental focus).
2. Everyone we meet (and the type of people we meet).
3. What we do (and what we don’t do).
3 Things You Must Know About “Emotional Clutter”
1. Our “cloud” can combine with other people’s clouds (others perceptions, agendas, world views).
2. Our “cloud” attracts more clutter (from friends, family, new connections, environments).
3. Our “cloud” leaves debris for others to pick up
One Opposing Force to “Emotional Clutter”
The Law of Attraction:
“Like attracts Like”
Events are attracted by you and the energy that you send out to the world, the environment you exist in, and the people around you. Individuals receive the positive or negative energy you send out. In order to oppose Pig-Pen’s magnetic attraction for dirt, he must focus and manifest positive energy to getting clean.
In human talk, take some time to really think hard about what you want, your intentions behind it, and ask for it!
2 More Techniques to Release the “Clutter”
1. Find one behavior to release
What is one negative behavior you feel safe and secure releasing? Find one and focus on just that.
2. Focus on the process more then the outcome.
It is simple for most to identify where they would like to be in life. Sometimes requiring a little bit of thought. What many people don’t realize is that the process to get their is just as, if not more important than the outcome.
“Emotional Clutter” is made up of individual strands. Focus on the individual strands to detangle the “clutter”. Maintaining focus on the entire “cloud” will become overwhelming, stress inducing, and harmful to your success.
I think we both can see the smile on Pig-Pen’s cloudless face now.
Resources for your “Emotional Clutter”:
Thanks for reading!
All the Best,
Jonathan
