by YouTime Coaching | May 9, 2013 | Beliefs, Boston Marathon, Boston Strong, Confidence, Connections, Distress, Fear, Growth, Post Traumatic Growth, Post Traumatic Stress, Stress, Success, Support, The One Fund
In light of the recent bombings at the Boston Marathon and the massive numbers of individuals returning from war, our culture has become all too familiar with the term “post traumatic stress”. What most people are not as familiar with is the concept of
“Post Traumatic Growth”
Research involving individuals and their relationship to stress, pain, fear, and trauma have been around for thousands of years but the interest in Post Traumatic Growth began to steal some of the limelight in the 1990’s.
Post Traumatic Growth involves an individual’s path in adapting to sets of negative experiences that would normally cause psychological distress or harm. These events could include experiences with death, abuse, serious injury, natural disasters, relationships, accidents, and other potentially traumatic events.
Simply looking at this list you can understand why some individuals experience post traumatic stress.
BUT
What if there were a way to experience growth following traumatic events like those mentioned above?
Post Traumatic Growth Characteristics:
- Greater appreciation for life
- Shift in sense of priorities
- More genuine connections and relationships
- Increase sense of personal strength
- Recognition of new life paths and possibilities
Are you sold yet?
How can I get some Post Traumatic Growth?
1. First, you must have a belief system that supports growth.
Spirituality is a characteristic that has been closely linked to experiencing post traumatic growth, but the core concept behind this connection are the empowering beliefs a spiritual individual may possess.
Keep these in mind:
BELIEVE that you can grow from this
and
You are capable of this change.
2. You must have support
Support systems have been linked in post traumatic growth on many levels. Therapists, counselors, and life coaches (with proper training) can have great impacts on your ability to experience this growth, post traumatic event.
Surround yourself with genuine, insightful, and caring individuals that you feel comfortable sharing your life with. This could be the difference between growth and stress.
Conclusion:
- Be confident and open to being able to grow
- Develop a belief system that empowers and supports you in experiencing growth.
- Seek out opportunity to develop new genuine relationships and connections.
- Sniff out your most precious support systems and use them.
Lastly,
During the Boston Marathon I was watching the race in Kenmore Square (15 minute walk to the finish line), when I had heard what happened followed by a massive number of text messages, phone calls, and emails making sure I was okay. I want to thank those individuals and extend my heart and support to the families that were affected by these horrible events.
There is hope and there is strength within you to grow from this. Never loose sight of that.
All the best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
Vitality, Performance, and Parent Coach
YouTime Coaching
Boston, MA
Contact:
[email protected]
(856)905-5410
If you would like to donate to The One Fund click the ribbon above:
by YouTime Coaching | Jan 16, 2013 | Action, Anxiety, Arguments, Attitudes, Certainty, Confidence, Direction, Fear, Fighting, steps, Success
Chapter 2: The Fight
Recap from Chapter 1: “Intro to Fighting” & “The Approach”
1. Arguing only has the POTENTIAL to cause negative outcomes
2. The Approach is the most important aspect of the argument.
3. The Approach directly influences the outcome of the argument.
4. The mental and physiological state you are in prior to the argument will direct the fight.
5. If you are in a state that will undermine your desired outcome of the argument you need a “jarring”.
6. Try the “Opponent Appreciation” and “Movie Theater Effect” techniques to create a more resourceful state and get the result you desire.
Chapter 2: The Fight
Arguing can be an extremely toxic event for any relationship or create an important opportunity for growth. The difference between heading down these two opposing pathways is monumental to relationships. The difference in these two paths can be found in just a handful of decisions.
This blog is to help you navigate how to experience growth, increase closeness, heightened intimacy, and developing feelings of accomplishment through an argument.
Challenge: Your Relationship to Fighting
Take a second to right down some words that you associate with arguing. These words may be negative, positive, seem unrelated, or from direct experience. You may see fighting as a defense mechanism, a way for you to connect with others, or possibly a tactic that makes you feel important and noticed.
The importance of this exercise is to discover what cognitive relationships you associate to arguments and fighting. Once you recognize if your connection is positive or negative you can begin to witness its effects on “The Approach” and now how to change these limiting beliefs for “The Fight”
Definition
Limiting Belief: (noun) Thoughts and Beliefs that are manifested consciously or subconsciously that serve as obstacles and barriers to a desired or healthy behavior/decision.
“The Fight” is the ACTION stage within this whole process and where most people use their own style to out-perform their opponent and reign victorious.
The problem is developed because these “styles” that people use in their arguments are developed from typically subconscious feelings and can easily be expressed irrationally, untimely, and at your partners expense.
Our goal here is to develop arguing skills that will allow us to experience healthy growth, connection, certainty, and significance.
“Top 5 Rules to Successful Arguing”
1.Stay on Task
One of the biggest mistakes individuals make in arguing is that they do not stay on task. Understand what you are arguing about and keep this in mind with each point you bring up. When you feel like you are drifting away from the main topic, take second to regroup and jump back in. The last thing you want to be doing is yelling about who left the lights on, when the actual argument is about calling to say you will be home late.
2. Use “I” Statements
Let’s face it, humans typically get defensive very quickly and on a large scale. No female wants to feel like a piece of property, while no man wants to feel completely bossed around. When addressing personal preferences and perspectives start your statement with, “I feel as though vs. You always” in order to convey (on a conscious and subconscious level) that you understand this may not be the case BUT this is how it makes you feel.
3. Cool-off
Under no circumstance should anybody be yelling. If it has reached this point, neither of you are being heard, there will be no winner (your relationship will suffer), you are negatively affecting those around you, and the argument has reached the toxic zone. If you feel as though you are going to yell it is completely permissible to say “This is a very important conversation and do think it is necessary to talk about it, but I need to take a couple minutes to regroup”.
4. Be Quiet
Upwards of 90% of communication is non-verbal and if you don’t silence that yapper for a portion of the argument, you will miss all the important cues. Allow the other person to speak freely without interruption (this may be challenging, but that is normal). Listen to their points and much more importantly, how it makes them feel.
Isn’t it the most frustrating thing in the world when you begin fighting with somebody who “loves to argue”. Quickly identify if you are one of those people. Do you contest, argue, and disagree with a high percentage of things around you? If so, keep this close to mind when arguing, because you are at higher risk of not “staying on task”. If you are one of these people, you tend to see your way and throw up the blinders for any other perspectives. Be flexible, honest, and open during argument.
Stay tuned next week for Part III of,
“The Science of an Argument”
Chapters 3-4: “The Resolution” and “The Aftermath”
Best,
Jonathan B. Wolf, Ed.M.
YouTime Coaching
www.YouTimeCoach.com
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 29, 2012 | Anxiety, Climbing, Confidence, Fear, Mountain |
What you see here is not exactly what you get.
YES, I am on a Mountain.
YES, I am almost 1000 feet above the ground.
YES, there is no railing next to me.
NO, I am not calm.
What my lovely girlfriend has captured in this picture is everything but the anxiety and just plain fear I felt at that very moment.
I don’t know if you caught the last sentence on this side, but I believe they made reference to people dying. Now honestly, the anxiety started creeping in right about there.
Some of you may have had similar experiences, while others find this type of activity as nothing but a walk in the park.
I am here to tell you 3 reasons to climb a Mountain.
1. The Pendulum Effect
Ever hear of the theory that if you haven’t experienced true sorrow, you can’t really experience true happiness? Kind of the same principle here. It is not until you experience a true fear or anxiety to genuinely appreciate the opposite swing of the pendulum, courage and certainty.
What you end up witnessing is that the event that caused you fear, actually took courage to be a part of and eventually confront.
And trust me, you will very much appreciate and recognize what tasks take true courage and bravery from there on out.
2. Breaking Down the Wall
When a runner claims they “hit a wall”, they are (hopefully) just expressing a metaphor for how tired they are.
In the picture at the top of the blog I was about 75% percent up the face of the Mountain. When the anxiety and fear kicked in, I had a few choices.
A) Stand there until the anxiety and fear went away.
Realistically, it wouldn’t have simply disappeared, at
least in no short period of time. So option A is out of
the question!
B) Jump
I love my life, didn’t have a parachute, and probably
would have increased my anxiety by simply thinking
about this. So option B is out!
C) Turn Around and Go Back Down
Next to that warning sign at the beginning of the
Mountain was another sign that said you are at an
extremely high risk of injury if you attempt to retreat
down the trail. This sign plus the fact that I was 75%
complete = option C not being an option!
D) Continue Forward
At this moment on the Mountain I was confronted with
a simple decision mixed a ton of complex thoughts. I
was forced to break down the “wall” in front of me
and tackle my anxiety.
I made it, I survived, and I would it all over!
3. Breeding Ground
After I completed my decent and got back on level ground, a deep breath was to be had.
After that deep breath I acknowledge an extremely important thing,
I WAS PROUD OF MYSELF!
Even with all the fear, anxiety, and stress (physical and mental) of climbing that Mountain, in the end, I was proud of myself and that is a breeding ground for confidence.
Caution
