by YouTime Coaching | Jan 19, 2018 | Uncategorized
This will be short and sweet. How many times have you heard a parent say, “Are you even listening?”. Getting a kid to listen can be like pulling teeth, but maybe therein lies the problem. “Getting them” to listen implies an effort to change something about them when the solution could be all about you.
One of the issues that ALWAYS comes up with clients and their families is communication. Communication is a monster topic and can get very complex at times, so we will stick to focusing on one area…
Before we take the plunge into this, ask yourself the following questions (whichever are applicable to your situation)
Is communicating with your 13 year old the same as communicating with them when they are 21?
Do you listen with the intent to respond? (be honest)
Are you aware of how your kid responds to your approaches when it comes to talking about particularly tough topics?
Today’s focus, how communication needs to change and evolve as your kid matures, changes and moves through different stages in life.
There may be more to why your child isn’t listening, check out YouTime Coaching’s blog,
Why Aren’t You Listening? to see what else may be going on between their ears.
Earlier this week I had a phone call with a client’s parents. He is 25 and trying to be more financially independent but the family is not used to this being the reality. As he makes progress (got a job, paying rent…etc), he still feels as though his parents have no confidence in him. While this individual already struggles with his own self-confidence, the parents won’t get the full finger-pointing here. What they did get is a lesson in how communication needs to evolve as your child evolves as well. What they didn’t realize is that their communication was telling their son, “I have no confidence in your ability to do this.”. This was not at all their intention, actually the opposite. The efforts to improve communication begin.
The concept of evolving communication with your child as they grow up can be quite foreign to parents. With a little effort and thought put into it, things can be much easier while also supporting your child through these changes. Here is some advice for evolving your communication with your child.
First, do some perspective taking from their shoes.
They have a unique perspective. Think about all the possible ways your child could misinterpret your comments. They hear what you’re saying but their inner dialogue filters the message. Everybody has narratives (storylines) for how they believe things work in this world. Usually, narratives come from previous experiences. These narratives are a filter between you and your child and keep in mind, they change. Step into their world for a few moments before engaging in meaningful communication.
Second, promote confidence and self-efficacy.
Parents are frequently one of the main sources of inner-confidence for a child. They learn from you, listen to you, and then their undeveloped brains try to make sense of it all. When you are speaking with your child about their goals or important changes they are experiencing, find ways to communicate your confidence in them. This will empower your child and when a kid feels empowered they are more likely to be more motivated and continue these positive behaviors.
Yes, you are parents, but this does not mean that your reactions, responses, and communication styles aren’t a culmination of your own upbringing. If you expect your child to “dig deeper” than you should be learning more about the origin of your own patterns. Take a closer look at your own shit and baggage, and identify how it may affect communication with your child. Do you get frequently frustrated, yell, or just like to avoid conflict at all costs (don’t worry you are not alone)? Know your own influencers and patterns as an insight to your kids, and be more skillful in your approach to communication with them.
by YouTime Coaching | Nov 20, 2017 | Uncategorized
We want answers.
In our line of support, we very frequently come across the frustrated parent. Your kid seemingly can’t muster up enough self-control to pay attention to the “important stuff” in school or at home but can easily be ready to hang out with friends or play video games. Well, sometimes frustration is an understatement.
As we all know, a diagnosis of ADHD has been growing over the last decade. While there is still debate as to why it’s growing, there is not much debate in the sheer numbers. Even outside of the increase in diagnosis there are other explanations as to why a young person has trouble focusing.
The Mental Building Blocks:
Executive functioning skills are the mental building blocks that enable all of us to manage our emotions, keep some order in our lives, and get things accomplished. When people think about these skills they typically gravitate towards time management, organization, and planning/prioritizing. Afterall, it is quite obvious when a kids room is a war zone, their backpack a natural disaster, and their priorities, well, not present.
What people need to remember here is that these skills go far past the previously mentioned. Executive functioning skills include important factors such as stress tolerance, sustained attention, and emotional regulation. If we remind ourselves that these are skills, then we maintain the perspective that they can be developed and strengthened.
ADHD is not the only reason why people lose focus.
When people are in the middle of a stress response or have trouble regulating their own emotional reactions/responses they can also struggle with sustained attention. Yes, individuals with ADHD typically have deficits in their executive functioning skills, but individuals without ADHD can also be challenged with these same deficits. Having a little more direction and understanding in where the attentional issues are coming from can help form the first steps in developing strategies to mitigate these struggles.
Want to learn more about your kid’s (or yours!) executive functioning skills? Head on over to the assessments page here (CLICK) Assess and Understand Your Strengths and Assess and Understand Your Weaknesses.
by YouTime Coaching | Oct 24, 2017 | Academics, Anxiety, Change, college, Communication, Confidence, Control, Focus, Growth, parenting, Uncategorized
We hear it all the time… helicopter parenting and that the millennial generation is being raised too protected from struggle, diversity, and overcoming “normal” life-stage challenges. Wherever you stand on this doesn’t necessarily matter because both sides need to learn from how they are experiencing struggle both directly and indirectly. Your college freshman will undoubtedly be faced with challenges, but it will not be everything your anxiety is telling you it will be.
There are some important takeaways and a crucial reminder.
JUST BECAUSE STRUGGLE AND YOUR CHILD’S NAME ARE IN THE SAME SENTENCE DOESN’T MEAN IT IS A CUE TO STEP IN. Understand that taking a supportive backseat versus getting into the driver seat can be quite valuable. Not only does it give your child a chance to build confidence in their abilities to navigate tough situations or seek out help but it allows parents invaluable time to build trust in their kid’s ability to handle struggle.
For parents that just sent their kids away for their first year of college here are some things you should know about what may be going on and the struggles that freshman most commonly face.
Read more of Youtime Coaching’s published article, “Know Your Kid’s Freshman College Struggles” in the Grafton News by clicking HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 26, 2017 | Advice, Anxiety, Attitudes, boundaries, Children, Communication, Compromise, Consistency, Decisions, Emotions, Expectations, Failure, Fear, Fighting, Focus, Life Coaching, Listening, parenting, parents, positive reinforcement, Trust
As a parent, ever wonder what is going on inside your kid’s mind?
Through the positive work we have completed with adolescence, young adults, and families we’ve heard and seen almost everything. Kids want their freedom (sometimes without responsibility) and respect, while parents struggle with communication, setting boundaries, and timing.
Here are ten real thoughts direct from clients about their parents.
#1 I can’t talk to them because they will just get angry at me.
#2 All they care about are grades.
#3 They tell me to stop doing things that they do all the time and it’s bullshit.
#4 They won’t understand if I told them or will make me feel like it isn’t important.
#5 They choose when it’s convenient to say no and get upset.
#6 I don’t want to be like them.
#7 I tell them what they want to hear.
#8 When I actually try to talk to them about something that happened, I just get in trouble.
#9 When you start lecturing, I stop listening.
#10 When you trash my friends, I start disliking you, not them.
Remember, parenting is an imperfect process and so is being a kid. We are not sharing this list so you can take on all of the items one by one, instead, use it as a guide to see where more attention could be placed. When it comes to your kid’s motivation things can drastically change as they get older but if you’re able to adapt with the times, stay hip, and simultaneously hold true to healthy principles then this process could be easier on you.
Here’s just one easier way to think about motivation. Remember, in parenting, effort counts.
What goes into your kid’s motivation?
Just like when a kid doesn’t get their way, the thoughts kids have about their parents are changing by the minute. The importance behind these thoughts is where the focus should lay. Communication is typically always an underlying relationship issue between parents and kids. Check out these other blogs for helpful tips on communication with your teens, How to Love Your Kids When They Are Tough to Love and Do NOT Try to be Your Child’s Best Friend.
Feel free to leave comments below or on any of our social media pages to get a conversation going!
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 1, 2017 | Uncategorized
Oh boy, nothing makes me happier to hear somebody say, “I can’t do it”.
Sure, there’s a percentage of people who actually won’t be able to do “it” because of their skill level or how difficult the task is, but another big percentage of those people actually mean I won’t stick with it. These groups don’t need to be mutually exclusive and in fact, we have all been in both boats.
When you say that you “can’t” do something but actually have the skills and abilities to perform the task you are sending a mixed message to your brain. Typically the message is either fear or instant gratification based. When the message is fear-based but there is no threat of real danger then this will trigger a real fight or flight response (on false pretenses) and begin the pattern of convincing your brain that perceived fear is the same as actual danger.
Saying “I can’t do it” is quite a nice way of convincing yourself that whatever it is you’re trying to do you can’t actually do because of something outside of your control. It is also a nice way to completely screw up your rational way of thinking and can drastically limit you.
When people say they can’t do it, they really mean they won’t make time for it and don’t like the outcome when they try it. Let me introduce you to an important word:
RESILIENCE: The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Those who master resilience tend to feel more in control of their lives, have healthier social support, maintain a healthy self-image/confidence, and can identify a greater sense of purpose. If you do not like the outcome, try again. If it doesn’t fill your expectations, try again. Quickly cutting yourself off because of some level of discomfort, pain, Vulnerability, boredom, or frustration severely cutting you off from opportunity and growth.
In this field, there is not a shortage of hearing excuses and fear-based rationales for why things don’t get done. Obviously, cultivating an environment of acceptance is important but at the same time, clear and “to-the-point” communication is sometimes most helpful.
Whoever is reading this, just know that you should stay away from accepting “I can’t do it” as a completely honest answer. Our minds, especially when driven by fear or instant gratification can convince us of pretty much anything.
