by YouTime Coaching | Aug 22, 2017 | Mindset
The feeling when…
Somebody tells you to calm down when you’re angry.
When somebody is playing their music out loud on their cell phone in a public place.
When you are finished washing dishes and your significant other/mom/dad/sibling comes over with a dish they forgot to put in the sink.
When you are telling your kid something and they are obviously not listening.
When you are telling your parent something and they are obviously not listening.
When somebody’s rationale is “because I said so” or “this is my house”.
When you are trying to joke around but others are taking you seriously.
Sweating the small stuff?
Many people that do in fact sweat the small stuff. They will look at that list and come up with reasons why these items aren’t “small”. A case can be made for almost everything, but looking at these items from a third-party perspective (an outsider that has no skin in the game), this is the small stuff.
When we are exposed to these experiences our mind goes on a rampage. During that rampage, it can sometimes feel nearly impossible to regulate the weather going on inside your mind. Two executive functioning skills that get hit pretty hard are flexibility and emotional regulation. It is possible that you are predisposed to irritation, frustration, and anger but it is also possible that your reaction to these triggers is so automatic and fast that you don’t stand a chance in responding (versus reacting) differently.
If you feel like this, you also may also feel stuck in your ways. During a recent conversation with a client, I asked them, “What are you truly risking?”, in reference to anxiety-based behaviors. They responded, “feeling stupid and anxious”. My reply, “Feeling stupid and anxious is your fear, but not the real risk. The real risk is not developing healthy and positive relationships with people. The real risk is feeling like you aren’t part of something bigger and feel disconnected. All things that you have said you would like in your life.” Within one hour this client had a new perspective to see through and a greater feeling of importance to make necessary changes. What they really needed to see things differently was time and space from the issue.
A little extra time and mental space during these moments of frustration, stress, irritation, and anger can have a major impact. Follow these three steps to help better manage the “small stuff”.
LEARN MORE ABOUT YOUR BUTTONS
We have them and they get pressed from time to time. Maybe you know what sets you off, but take a few moments to write down the people, places, and things that you know are trouble zones. Being more aware of the triggers will better equip you to intervene.
PICTURE IT AND PREPARE FOR IT
If you know that you will be in a situation that could be triggering, try visualizing it before you are actually there. Take a look at The Swish Technique: click here
GET BACK IN TOUCH
We all know how to have a little compassion when a puppy has an accident, a baby spills their food, or when a 10-year-old says, “I’m stupid”. Practice showing compassion to yourself and the others around you by looking at them as a person, not just a comment or a trigger. Keep in mind that you are allowed to experience these emotions, so show some compassion to yourself as well. This could be through acknowledging and labeling what you are feeling as “frustration”, “anger”, or “irritation” instead of saying “I’m irritated”. These emotions do not define you and are only temporary states. Lastly, if you need some space, take it.
With gripping emotions such as irritation, frustration, and anger there are a lack of finger snapping solutions, but If you do try snapping your fingers during a moment of anger and it works, please call us and share your magic. Above are some solid steps to make positive changes with the relationships around you.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 3, 2017 | Uncategorized
When I grew up I was not a fighter.
I went to a Quaker school for 8 years (they deeply believe in non-violence), and became a black belt in a martial arts form that literally translates to “open fist”, meaning you learn how to defend yourself without necessarily attacking. Even though I may have received the ‘non-violent’ approach from multiple sources, it does not make you impervious to emotional and physical injury, including failure.
When I was in fourth grade a kid named Charlie kept making fun of me on the playground. I gave him verbal warning number one…number two… and after he continued to poke, I picked up a rubber trash can and threw it at him. Keep in mind, I was very scrawny growing up so this was not as if I was throwing an Olympic javelin towards his head. The trash bin did actually hit him causing no injury, but scared him enough that he left me alone.
Another time I was running towards the basketball courts and tripped, falling face first on cement. Fortunately, I have no scars to prove it, but it did leave a nice strawberry on my cheek. The pain healed and I moved on, knowing that if I continued to run like that there was a risk involved. For a long time the fall played over and over in the back of my mind whenever I went to play basketball at that court.
As a kid, I felt fragile.
Physically speaking, I was typically underweight, did not have a lot of muscle, felt I had a low threshold for pain, was scared easy, and compared myself to my “stronger” peers.
Years later, experiencing all of the struggle, adversity, injuries, pain, ADHD, and anxiety adolescence and young adulthood has to offer I believe that I have turned out quite well. With that being said, those same playgrounds have recycled rubber playing surfaces instead of concrete, bolted down trash bins vs throwable ones (this one may actually be for the better), and typically parent’s or another adult constantly supervising and ‘co-playing’.
In a society where around a third of kids are sent to school with sanitizing gel, what is the impact of a parent’s anxiety in how fragile a kid may grow up. Psychology Today’s Editor at Large, Hara Estroff Marano rights an interesting piece titled, “A Nation of Wimps”.
Read the article here and share your thoughts below!
Don’t go at this alone. If you need some support with your high-school, college, or young adult child we want to hear more. Go to the contact us page by clicking here and let’s see how we can help.
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 28, 2017 | Uncategorized
Don’t sweat it, Mom and Dad, once again you are not the only ones out there. You have expectations of your kid and that is okay, but where does it become not okay? When do the expectations become a problem rather than useful direction for a kid to follow? What happens when your kid starts to become angry or withdrawn from your expectations and begins to decide “eh, maybe I’ll shoot for the opposite”.
Every day high-school and college kids are bombarded with not only actual expectations but perceived expectations as well. This is typically a big source of stress for young people and ultimately could turn into more than just feeling stressed out.
We will keep this one short and sweet, below are six things to think about when discussing, developing, changing, or even simply thinking about expectations and the impact it may have on your kid.
6 Things to Know About Your Expectations and Your Kids
1.THE PAST IS NOT A PROLOGUE FOR YOU OR YOUR KID.
What we mean by this is that just because your parents raised you a certain way doesn’t mean it was right, or that it even works for your own kid. Take a step outside of this storyline and find new ways to develop helpful goals for your child.
2. KIDS SEE EXPECTATIONS AS BINDING WITH LITTLE ROOM FOR MESSING UP.
Try using the word “guidance” instead of “expectations” when developing these principles. If you try running your household like a boot-camp be ready for ample (and creative) push-back down the line. Help guide rather than enforce.
3. YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE KEEPING UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN.
First try and identify for yourself what kind of expectations you have for your kid. Now, dig a little deeper and see if you actually hold yourself to those standards (obviously replacing topics with those that are relevant to you).
4. ONCE YOUR KID FEELS THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL, LET THE ANXIETY AND STRESS SET IN.
Parents typically have expectations that are with ability or outcome If your kid has little or virtually no control over the outcome or if the ability has little to do with the actual outcome they will begin to feel their behaviors and efforts have no real impact on the result. Focus on identifying the controllable with them.
5. IF YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SET THE EXPECTATION, YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SUPPORT THEM WITH IT.
Don’t be that parent that simply shouts out expectations and waits for it to magically appear by the grace of your kids singular efforts and abilities. You set the expectation as a parent, you support them as a parent. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living if you expect something from your kid help them by setting smaller milestones in order to achieve it.
6. HOW HIGH IS TOO HIGH?
Studies show high parental expectations are connected to high academic performance. While this may be true, we also know that there are such things as too high of parental expectations and these can cause a lot of unwanted side effects. It will take some time and practice to find the balance. You don’t want your kid flying under the radar while being held to mediocre standards, while at the same time you want to stay away from your kid feeling controlled by these expectations. Adjusting expectations, open communication about them, and consistent follow-up can help.
One major thing to keep in mind moving forward is that good parenting is not simply seen through your child’s behaviors but is also witnessed through the parent’s behaviors as well.
Need help? Send us a message here
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 25, 2017 | Advice
Are you one of those parents who see summer as an obstacle for your kids? Do you have the goal of ensuring that your kids stay active both physically and mentally? If so, you are not alone! What should a summer break be for a kid? Do you need to take it easy or should you focus on the mental and physical growth of your children? Yes, to both! And we have a few ideas how in our article below!
This article first appeared in The Grafton News: http://www.thegraftonnews.com/articles/keeping-your-kids-busy-this-summer/
Just because it’s summer break doesn’t mean that parents get the summer off. This time away from tests, homework, and structure just means that kids need new things to do. While this may be old news to most of the parents out there, it is still a reality check each year when school comes to a close. Over 30 percent of households in Grafton have kids under the age of 18, which means, there are many more parents like you out there.
While some kids look forward to joining one of the summer sports leagues or camps, others may cringe at the idea. Bottom line, kids can sometimes be picky, emotional, and have a demeanor that can scream “unmotivated.” Picture it now, your child has just reached a new personal record of consecutive hours in front of the television, on Facebook, and texting. While this may not be the proudest moment for a parent, some kids may say this was quite the productive day. Within the challenge of keeping your children busy throughout the summer months, it is helpful first to understand why and how maintaining structure and meaningful activity is vital to their well-being and even their upcoming school year.
Whether you are a parent working full-time outside of the home or are with your kid most of the day, a little bit of thought, mindfulness, and planning can make keeping your child mentally and physically active during the summer months much more manageable.
Let’s keep it simple. Research shows that a summer without an active mind and body have multiple downsides. First, academic retention over the summer without this type of stimulation drastically goes down which puts kids at a disadvantage going into the next school year by making the transition more challenging. Isn’t it tough enough?
Second, these adolescent years are crucial for developing communication and social skills, positive relationships, and healthy habits. Here are a couple of effective parenting strategies to help make navigating keeping your kids busy during the summer months a little easier.
For kids, communication on their level is essential. Very few want to hear about all the things they need, must, and have to do over the summer. Schedule a couple of uninterrupted sit-downs with them, so you won’t need to take on the entire season in one conversation. The first sit down should focus on your kid’s interests in how they want to spend their summer months, even if some of the ideas are unrealistic. Once you have a list, take a couple of days, and devise a plan for what is realistic and what may need to be compromised.
Take a trip to CVS and buy a calendar so when you sit back down with your kid, you can break it down by months instead of taking on the entire summer. Make it a goal to do one to two fun things (in the eyes of the child) each month. Take a step back after each sit down to see if you have a good balance of hitting the important categories, such as physical activity, mental activity, and social activity.
As parents, the summer isn’t simply about making your kid’s dreams a reality. Summer is also a time for your them to learn about the payoffs in being responsible. For some children, getting a part-time job, volunteering, or helping out around the house could be in the cards.
Having these opportunities for responsibility is important, but remember to communicate on their level. For instance, if your child is reluctant to get a job, help them with the search or possibly create a reward system to help them pay for something they want to save up for. Keep in mind that summer responsibility is most effective when they understand it’s meaning and purpose. While keeping your kids busy and safe during the summer is important, there is no harm in a little downtime for everyone (and yes, that includes you). Enjoy the warm weather, this great town, and most importantly time with family.
by YouTime Coaching | Jun 28, 2017 | parenting, Uncategorized
Recently I was talking to a friend of mine who had a couple job interviews for really great opportunities. In their second interview they had an opportunity to speak with an employee that had only been there for a few months. They had a very meaningful and deep message to communicate.
Following the newer employee expressing his positive regard for the workplace culture they said, “If you are a yes person this may not be a great place for you.” Immediately after hearing this my friend’s inner dialogue said, “Shit, I am a yes person.”
Let us clarify something for you. A “yes person”, is more than somebody who has trouble saying no, but also has the tendency to operate from a place of fear (what will happen if I say no?), takes on more responsibility and added stress because they sometimes have trouble advocating for themselves, and those that can easily struggle with validation from the environment around us. Nobody wants to admit that they are a “yes person”, especially if that means identifying with anything potentially negative. When push comes to shove many of us have that inner “yes person” as a built-in mindset.
The “yes person” mindset can affect employees, friends, parents, teachers, kids, and pretty much anyone else that may have responsibilities that are more than self-serving.
Still in denial about having the “yes person” mindset? I am sure you can think of at least one time where it was nearly impossible to say no.
YouTime Coaching frequently works with parents that are “yes people”. This is not a designation of fault, but there is most definitely a need to talk about it and look deeper. Whether you heavily identify with this mindset or not, below we provide you two risks “yes people” face and two rewards for being more aware and mindful of everyone’s needs when making decisions (even on the fly).
THE RISKS OF BEING A “YES PERSON”:
1. System overload.
Here is your logic for the day…
Focusing on one task at a time = each task receives a lot of focus/attention
Focusing on multiple tasks at once = less focus/attention on each task
While it may not always be this simple, the logic is there. Saying yes means inheriting more responsibility and with more responsibility comes the potential for more stress, distractions, frustrations, and the list goes on. The items end up getting less of your undivided attention and more of your stress. No matter what your coffee or Adderall tells you, we are not built for multi-tasking.
An employee may keep taking on new projects, picking up the slack for somebody else, accepting unrealistic deadlines, or agreeing to undesirable employment terms to remain in good standing with her/his boss and/or prove them self. Let’s face it, this just leads to job resentment.
A parent (especially single parents and divorced families) is already juggling responsibilities, so having a faulty shut off valve is simple going to cause more stress. Quality over quantity is a good rule of thumb, because kids have an uncanny ability to find ways to “fly under then radar” when Mom and Dad are busy with other things.
2. The ball is in their court.
This isn’t about control, but it is about people taking advantage. Some individuals are unbelievably obvious in their actions towards other, and more importantly, well aware of what they are doing. For others, including family and close friends, they may not be as aware. Kids grow and learn which parents are more reliable for certain needs. If Mom will let them borrow twenty bucks and Dad is more of a “get a job” type of person, they grow to rely on her being the go-to. While your kids may not be consciously taking advantage of your “yes person” mentality, they do grow to learn to rely on it. This goes for other people as well.
Reliability is a great trait, but you must start taking inventory of what people rely on you for and if this helps or potentially hurts them.
3. You have no choice.
Call it whatever you would like, when you have the “yes person” mentality you frequently find yourself with very little or absolutely no choice in situations where pleasing other people are at stake. Many of the parents that we work with see these moments as actually fulfilling. They said things such as, “when I can help out, it actually gives me a really good feeling’, and “seeing them happy actually makes me happy”.
This is not about your kids happiness, this is about your issue with discomfort. No parent feels fully comfortable when their kid is struggling in any context and to any degree, but as a parent you must be able to create some mental and emotional space between the initial discomfort and your reaction to it. Be strategic and mindful when it comes to making these decisions. Remember, they are called decisions because you have a choice. Lastly, remember this thought… If you are saying yes to somebody else, what are you saying no to yourself on?
BENEFITS TO BEING A MINDFUL “YES PERSON”:
1. You use your emotions, your emotions don’t use you.
The problem doesn’t lie within a person saying “yes”, the problem lies in the disconnect between what emotions are driving that decision. Mindfulness allows a parent to take a few steps back from the situation, observe what emotions are at play, and proceed in a more skillful way. When we talk about reactions, we are really talk about emotions. Try practicing the S.T.O.P. Technique when it comes to making important decisions.
S = STOP. When you notice an imbalance, take a pause.
T = TAKE A BREATHE. During this pause simply focus on the sensation of your inhale and exhale. Bring your awareness to the sensation of breathing, filling your stomach with air, and softening with each exhale. If your mind gets distracted, just bring it back to the breathe. This will help settle your mind.
O = OBSERVE. Take a quick note of how the breathing feels. Ask yourself, “In this moment, what is really happening?”
P = PROCEED. This small shift will help you respond skillfully rather than react emotionally. Take an action that seems appropriate for you and the situation.
2. You are making a meaningful contribution.
At various stages in a kid’s life they go through a process called individuation. During this time, they start learning more about what makes them a unique individual, separate from other people. Try shifting your perspective from, “I am saying NO to them”, to “I am giving them the opportunity to figure this out and will support them in other ways”. This means you are actively contributing to their ability to be independent.
Try saying to them, “I am open to support you, but want to in other ways this time.” They may get frustrated, but this is something new for you both to work with and allow them to experience the frustration or what emotion that comes up.
3. You will be good enough.
Many fears can come into play when dealing with a “yes person” mentality. The fear of not being a good enough parent, of being the cause of your kids discomfort, of creating more problems for them, or even the fear of what will happen (uncertainty) if you don’t say yes. Know this, you will be enough. Perfect parents are like unicorns, so embrace being enough for your kids. Failing and struggling in front of a child gives them a much more accurate depiction of what life is like. Navigating away from a “yes person” mindset will help you see that the relationship can grow in new ways than previously thought.
THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. BE PATIENT AND KIND TO YOURSELF THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS.
NEED A LITTLE HELP?
Download your free parenting skills eBook here: Parenting Skills eBook
AND use the RISE Parenting Method here: RISE Method for Parenting
