by YouTime Coaching | Jul 28, 2017 | Uncategorized
Don’t sweat it, Mom and Dad, once again you are not the only ones out there. You have expectations of your kid and that is okay, but where does it become not okay? When do the expectations become a problem rather than useful direction for a kid to follow? What happens when your kid starts to become angry or withdrawn from your expectations and begins to decide “eh, maybe I’ll shoot for the opposite”.
Every day high-school and college kids are bombarded with not only actual expectations but perceived expectations as well. This is typically a big source of stress for young people and ultimately could turn into more than just feeling stressed out.
We will keep this one short and sweet, below are six things to think about when discussing, developing, changing, or even simply thinking about expectations and the impact it may have on your kid.
6 Things to Know About Your Expectations and Your Kids
1.THE PAST IS NOT A PROLOGUE FOR YOU OR YOUR KID.
What we mean by this is that just because your parents raised you a certain way doesn’t mean it was right, or that it even works for your own kid. Take a step outside of this storyline and find new ways to develop helpful goals for your child.
2. KIDS SEE EXPECTATIONS AS BINDING WITH LITTLE ROOM FOR MESSING UP.
Try using the word “guidance” instead of “expectations” when developing these principles. If you try running your household like a boot-camp be ready for ample (and creative) push-back down the line. Help guide rather than enforce.
3. YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE KEEPING UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN.
First try and identify for yourself what kind of expectations you have for your kid. Now, dig a little deeper and see if you actually hold yourself to those standards (obviously replacing topics with those that are relevant to you).
4. ONCE YOUR KID FEELS THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL, LET THE ANXIETY AND STRESS SET IN.
Parents typically have expectations that are with ability or outcome If your kid has little or virtually no control over the outcome or if the ability has little to do with the actual outcome they will begin to feel their behaviors and efforts have no real impact on the result. Focus on identifying the controllable with them.
5. IF YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SET THE EXPECTATION, YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SUPPORT THEM WITH IT.
Don’t be that parent that simply shouts out expectations and waits for it to magically appear by the grace of your kids singular efforts and abilities. You set the expectation as a parent, you support them as a parent. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living if you expect something from your kid help them by setting smaller milestones in order to achieve it.
6. HOW HIGH IS TOO HIGH?
Studies show high parental expectations are connected to high academic performance. While this may be true, we also know that there are such things as too high of parental expectations and these can cause a lot of unwanted side effects. It will take some time and practice to find the balance. You don’t want your kid flying under the radar while being held to mediocre standards, while at the same time you want to stay away from your kid feeling controlled by these expectations. Adjusting expectations, open communication about them, and consistent follow-up can help.
One major thing to keep in mind moving forward is that good parenting is not simply seen through your child’s behaviors but is also witnessed through the parent’s behaviors as well.
Need help? Send us a message here
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 25, 2017 | Advice
Are you one of those parents who see summer as an obstacle for your kids? Do you have the goal of ensuring that your kids stay active both physically and mentally? If so, you are not alone! What should a summer break be for a kid? Do you need to take it easy or should you focus on the mental and physical growth of your children? Yes, to both! And we have a few ideas how in our article below!
This article first appeared in The Grafton News: http://www.thegraftonnews.com/articles/keeping-your-kids-busy-this-summer/
Just because it’s summer break doesn’t mean that parents get the summer off. This time away from tests, homework, and structure just means that kids need new things to do. While this may be old news to most of the parents out there, it is still a reality check each year when school comes to a close. Over 30 percent of households in Grafton have kids under the age of 18, which means, there are many more parents like you out there.
While some kids look forward to joining one of the summer sports leagues or camps, others may cringe at the idea. Bottom line, kids can sometimes be picky, emotional, and have a demeanor that can scream “unmotivated.” Picture it now, your child has just reached a new personal record of consecutive hours in front of the television, on Facebook, and texting. While this may not be the proudest moment for a parent, some kids may say this was quite the productive day. Within the challenge of keeping your children busy throughout the summer months, it is helpful first to understand why and how maintaining structure and meaningful activity is vital to their well-being and even their upcoming school year.
Whether you are a parent working full-time outside of the home or are with your kid most of the day, a little bit of thought, mindfulness, and planning can make keeping your child mentally and physically active during the summer months much more manageable.
Let’s keep it simple. Research shows that a summer without an active mind and body have multiple downsides. First, academic retention over the summer without this type of stimulation drastically goes down which puts kids at a disadvantage going into the next school year by making the transition more challenging. Isn’t it tough enough?
Second, these adolescent years are crucial for developing communication and social skills, positive relationships, and healthy habits. Here are a couple of effective parenting strategies to help make navigating keeping your kids busy during the summer months a little easier.
For kids, communication on their level is essential. Very few want to hear about all the things they need, must, and have to do over the summer. Schedule a couple of uninterrupted sit-downs with them, so you won’t need to take on the entire season in one conversation. The first sit down should focus on your kid’s interests in how they want to spend their summer months, even if some of the ideas are unrealistic. Once you have a list, take a couple of days, and devise a plan for what is realistic and what may need to be compromised.
Take a trip to CVS and buy a calendar so when you sit back down with your kid, you can break it down by months instead of taking on the entire summer. Make it a goal to do one to two fun things (in the eyes of the child) each month. Take a step back after each sit down to see if you have a good balance of hitting the important categories, such as physical activity, mental activity, and social activity.
As parents, the summer isn’t simply about making your kid’s dreams a reality. Summer is also a time for your them to learn about the payoffs in being responsible. For some children, getting a part-time job, volunteering, or helping out around the house could be in the cards.
Having these opportunities for responsibility is important, but remember to communicate on their level. For instance, if your child is reluctant to get a job, help them with the search or possibly create a reward system to help them pay for something they want to save up for. Keep in mind that summer responsibility is most effective when they understand it’s meaning and purpose. While keeping your kids busy and safe during the summer is important, there is no harm in a little downtime for everyone (and yes, that includes you). Enjoy the warm weather, this great town, and most importantly time with family.
by YouTime Coaching | Jun 28, 2017 | parenting, Uncategorized
Recently I was talking to a friend of mine who had a couple job interviews for really great opportunities. In their second interview they had an opportunity to speak with an employee that had only been there for a few months. They had a very meaningful and deep message to communicate.
Following the newer employee expressing his positive regard for the workplace culture they said, “If you are a yes person this may not be a great place for you.” Immediately after hearing this my friend’s inner dialogue said, “Shit, I am a yes person.”
Let us clarify something for you. A “yes person”, is more than somebody who has trouble saying no, but also has the tendency to operate from a place of fear (what will happen if I say no?), takes on more responsibility and added stress because they sometimes have trouble advocating for themselves, and those that can easily struggle with validation from the environment around us. Nobody wants to admit that they are a “yes person”, especially if that means identifying with anything potentially negative. When push comes to shove many of us have that inner “yes person” as a built-in mindset.
The “yes person” mindset can affect employees, friends, parents, teachers, kids, and pretty much anyone else that may have responsibilities that are more than self-serving.
Still in denial about having the “yes person” mindset? I am sure you can think of at least one time where it was nearly impossible to say no.
YouTime Coaching frequently works with parents that are “yes people”. This is not a designation of fault, but there is most definitely a need to talk about it and look deeper. Whether you heavily identify with this mindset or not, below we provide you two risks “yes people” face and two rewards for being more aware and mindful of everyone’s needs when making decisions (even on the fly).
THE RISKS OF BEING A “YES PERSON”:
1. System overload.
Here is your logic for the day…
Focusing on one task at a time = each task receives a lot of focus/attention
Focusing on multiple tasks at once = less focus/attention on each task
While it may not always be this simple, the logic is there. Saying yes means inheriting more responsibility and with more responsibility comes the potential for more stress, distractions, frustrations, and the list goes on. The items end up getting less of your undivided attention and more of your stress. No matter what your coffee or Adderall tells you, we are not built for multi-tasking.
An employee may keep taking on new projects, picking up the slack for somebody else, accepting unrealistic deadlines, or agreeing to undesirable employment terms to remain in good standing with her/his boss and/or prove them self. Let’s face it, this just leads to job resentment.
A parent (especially single parents and divorced families) is already juggling responsibilities, so having a faulty shut off valve is simple going to cause more stress. Quality over quantity is a good rule of thumb, because kids have an uncanny ability to find ways to “fly under then radar” when Mom and Dad are busy with other things.
2. The ball is in their court.
This isn’t about control, but it is about people taking advantage. Some individuals are unbelievably obvious in their actions towards other, and more importantly, well aware of what they are doing. For others, including family and close friends, they may not be as aware. Kids grow and learn which parents are more reliable for certain needs. If Mom will let them borrow twenty bucks and Dad is more of a “get a job” type of person, they grow to rely on her being the go-to. While your kids may not be consciously taking advantage of your “yes person” mentality, they do grow to learn to rely on it. This goes for other people as well.
Reliability is a great trait, but you must start taking inventory of what people rely on you for and if this helps or potentially hurts them.
3. You have no choice.
Call it whatever you would like, when you have the “yes person” mentality you frequently find yourself with very little or absolutely no choice in situations where pleasing other people are at stake. Many of the parents that we work with see these moments as actually fulfilling. They said things such as, “when I can help out, it actually gives me a really good feeling’, and “seeing them happy actually makes me happy”.
This is not about your kids happiness, this is about your issue with discomfort. No parent feels fully comfortable when their kid is struggling in any context and to any degree, but as a parent you must be able to create some mental and emotional space between the initial discomfort and your reaction to it. Be strategic and mindful when it comes to making these decisions. Remember, they are called decisions because you have a choice. Lastly, remember this thought… If you are saying yes to somebody else, what are you saying no to yourself on?
BENEFITS TO BEING A MINDFUL “YES PERSON”:
1. You use your emotions, your emotions don’t use you.
The problem doesn’t lie within a person saying “yes”, the problem lies in the disconnect between what emotions are driving that decision. Mindfulness allows a parent to take a few steps back from the situation, observe what emotions are at play, and proceed in a more skillful way. When we talk about reactions, we are really talk about emotions. Try practicing the S.T.O.P. Technique when it comes to making important decisions.
S = STOP. When you notice an imbalance, take a pause.
T = TAKE A BREATHE. During this pause simply focus on the sensation of your inhale and exhale. Bring your awareness to the sensation of breathing, filling your stomach with air, and softening with each exhale. If your mind gets distracted, just bring it back to the breathe. This will help settle your mind.
O = OBSERVE. Take a quick note of how the breathing feels. Ask yourself, “In this moment, what is really happening?”
P = PROCEED. This small shift will help you respond skillfully rather than react emotionally. Take an action that seems appropriate for you and the situation.
2. You are making a meaningful contribution.
At various stages in a kid’s life they go through a process called individuation. During this time, they start learning more about what makes them a unique individual, separate from other people. Try shifting your perspective from, “I am saying NO to them”, to “I am giving them the opportunity to figure this out and will support them in other ways”. This means you are actively contributing to their ability to be independent.
Try saying to them, “I am open to support you, but want to in other ways this time.” They may get frustrated, but this is something new for you both to work with and allow them to experience the frustration or what emotion that comes up.
3. You will be good enough.
Many fears can come into play when dealing with a “yes person” mentality. The fear of not being a good enough parent, of being the cause of your kids discomfort, of creating more problems for them, or even the fear of what will happen (uncertainty) if you don’t say yes. Know this, you will be enough. Perfect parents are like unicorns, so embrace being enough for your kids. Failing and struggling in front of a child gives them a much more accurate depiction of what life is like. Navigating away from a “yes person” mindset will help you see that the relationship can grow in new ways than previously thought.
THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. BE PATIENT AND KIND TO YOURSELF THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS.
NEED A LITTLE HELP?
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by YouTime Coaching | Jun 19, 2017 | parenting, Teenagers
Fresh off the press, “PARENTS STRUGGLE WITH TRYING TO BE THEIR KID’S FRIEND”. If you have every seen the 2004 movie Mean Girls then you know Amy Poehler’s role as Mrs. George and yes, she is the “cool” mom. She has fake boobs, has no major rules on underage drinking (she would simply rather have them do it at their house), allows her daughter to have boys in her room (even offers them condoms…convenient), and always wants to know the “low down”. Super cool and super unhealthy all at the same time.
A study recently released by The Family Room LLC, FocusVision, and Lightspeed GMI reveals that 54 percent of Millennial parents consider their children as “one of my best friends.” This may be a stat for millennial parents, but the urge and desire to be your kid’s friend does not discriminate by generation.
On one hand, YouTime helps coach parents on how to have a supportive, positive, and open relationship with their kids despite the challenges they may face, but limitations and boundaries come with the territory. Below you’ll find three solid reasons why trying to be your kid’s bestie is not recommended.
3 Reasons Why Parents Should NOT be Their Kid’s Best Friend
Reason #1: IT’S NOT ENOUGH
Bottomline. Your kid needs more than a friend, and “more” includes the not-so-pretty-stuff as well. The feeling of a trustworthy, reciprocating, and accepting friendship is a miraculous thing, and we should all be so fortunate to experience this within our lifetime. With that being said, if simply being a friend to your kid had the strongest correlation for future success, that would be the gold standard for “how to parent”. Unfortunately, being your kid’s best friend is not the best indicator, but it sure as hell makes a parent feel a little more comfortable (with some hidden costs).
During adolescence, a parent struggles with issues of “not having enough information”. Their kid doesn’t talk to them as much and what they do share comes in the form of one syllable words. If that’s not bad, you’re in competition with their pursuit of instant gratification, impulsive decision making, and thrill-seeking behaviors. Providing a friendship caters to avoiding tough parenting decisions and/or accommodating troublesome child behaviors. Simply put, a friendship is not enough.
Kids desire boundaries, but parents fear them. Picture the child that continually pushes the limits and has no repercussions. To some kids, this will eventually come off as “my parents don’t care”. Kids need boundaries, need to be told both ‘yes’ and ‘no’, need positive reinforcement along with discipline and need a role model for relationships, communication, and how to create an environment that promotes self-respect and empathy towards others. Kids need both the ‘pretty’ and ‘no-so-pretty’ aspects of parenting.
Reason #2: YOU CAN’T BE THE GOOD AND BAD COP
Even with the best of intentions, parents can still end up with opposing views on parenting. Let’s the face the truth though, if you have one parent trying to be too much of a friend to their kid then the other will automatically assume some degree of “bad cop”. The imbalance will begin. Your kid will know exactly who to go to for money, who is less likely to yell at them for getting in trouble, who to go to for help, and also who to avoid during these circumstances. Parent Splitting is a real thing and can be a real pain in the ass too.
Many parents and even professionals dislike even using the word “cop” because kids don’t need cops. If you are policing your kids, you are sure to see some backlash that will make the relationship and your idea of authority even more confusing. A hard fact is that parents who want to be friends with their kids have a hard time making important (and unpopular) decisions for them in fear that it will tarnish this friendship. A young person needs a lot of structure, boundaries, communication, support, and coaching. That same young person is hit by a major wall when the “good cop” tries to lay down some necessary structure.
Keep this is mind… “good cops” are usually challenged with being a consistent source of authority and this can have a negative impact on the young person’s degree of respect for them as a parent. “Bad cops” are the people that kids learn to avoid and in some cases fear, both undesirable.
Reason #3: POWER STRUGGLES AWAIT
The constant battle of “who has the upper hand” is a natural hole to find yourself in while your child is growing through adolescence. During this period your kid may think they know it all or at least are willing to take the risk in proving it. Natural repercussions will most definitely occur during this period but the lessons and growth following these events may operate a little slower.
One important thing to remember. Kids desire boundaries, but parents fear them. Picture the child that continually pushes the limits and has no real repercussions. To some kids and over time, this will eventually come off as “my parents don’t care”. Kids need boundaries, need to be told both ‘yes’ and ‘no’, provided positive reinforcement along with discipline, and need a role model for relationships, communication, and how to create an environment that promotes self-respect and empathy towards others. Kids need both the ‘pretty’ and ‘no-so-pretty’ aspects of parenting.
If the scene is set with a lack of boundaries/house-rules, responsibilities earned privileges coupled with a lack of consistent, timely, and appropriate discipline then it sets the stage of a power struggle. In reality “power” is not an accurate word to use here, it should be replaced with respect, awareness, and understanding. Parents who work on these boundaries earlier, find it easier in the end all while their child develops self-respect, respect for their parents, and a deeper understanding of their behaviors.
PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS
Through the positive and successful work that YouTime has completed with young people and their families we have put together something for the parents. Whether your kid struggles with ADHD, executive functioning deficits, anxiety, or depression we have strategies build to make parenting a little easier.
Click below to have these effective parenting strategies immediately at your fingertips: CLICK HERE
by YouTime Coaching | May 19, 2017 | Advice, Appreciation, Behavior, Benefit, boundaries, Children, Communication, Direction, Dreams, Growth, Human Needs, Insight, Kids, parenting, parents, Positive Psychology, positive reinforcement, Support, Teenagers, Understanding
Kids can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Harsh words? Maybe. One thing is for sure though, those words are definitely filled to the brim with truth… harsh truth. This isn’t taking away from your unconditional love for them, it’s simply acknowledging that kids can sometimes do things that are very tough to love.
This is why parents turn to advice from others, seek out simple solutions, and time hacks. Sometimes it isn’t all that easy and you give into your frustrations, irritations, and anger. As parents, you are teachers, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS YOUR KID DOES NOT WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU. Because the eyes are always on you, the advice you get absolutely needs to be solid.
YouTime Coaching’s extensive work with high-school and college students along with all of the hours worth of support for parents has allowed us to understand some keys elements in how to be a great teacher for your child even during those tough times. When it comes down to it, a child wants to understand, perceive they have some control, and feel supported in a non-judgmental way.
The hardest times to be a “good teacher” with your kids? (never thought you’d ask!)
Just to mention a few:
- when setting boundaries
- when you are angry, frustrated, or irritated (and sometimes hungry)
- when parents are on different pages
- when you feel as though your child is not listening
- when “nothing else seems to work”
- when your kid is an adolescent
- anytime
We don’t want you to be good teachers… we want you to be in many cases the kind of teacher “you wish you had growing up”, the kind of teacher that is more emotionally available than some families had in previous generations, and most importantly we want you to be the type of teacher that not only shows but explains the benefits in learning from failures, how to be compassionate to yourself and others, and have enough awareness/knowledge about what they are doing and why they are doing it.
For these reasons and with an entire year of putting together some of the most effective researched methods of teaching, motivation, and human behavior we have creating the “R.I.S.E. Method of Parent Teaching”.
The premise behind the acronym “R.I.S.E.” is for parents to use the powers of awareness, communication, non-judgmental support, and compassion as a way to elevate their parenting and ultimately their relationship with their child.
Use can use this method while trying to set boundaries with your children, teach them important lessons, disciplining (btw before disciplining your kid read this amazing article, https://www.verywell.com/what-is-child-discipline-620113), and even just trying to improve your communication with them.
Remember, punishment is easy, discipline is hard. Implementing this method may be challenging and outside your comfort zone, if you need some guidance please drop us a line!
DOWNLOAD THE R.I.S.E. METHOD HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | May 12, 2017 | Anxiety, Behavior, Children, Depression, Distress, emotional problems, high school, Kids, Listening, parenting, Teenagers
Part II: From the Parent’s Perspective
In Part I, we met Emma, the brave high-school girl that traveled down the bumpy road towards self-acceptance. Through all of the anxiety, depression, and frustration of trying to understand “who she really is”, Emma found a way to finally accept the things she struggled with in life. Go ahead and get a refresher, or just read Part I for the first time here.
As a parent, seeing your child struggle can be heart wrenching. Some parents want to swoop in to help ease the discomfort (both yours and your child’s), while others may think these are “necessary learning experiences”. Many parents though are not even aware of how they respond to these types of conflicts (btw if you are curious to learn more about your conflict style, find out more through this assessment YouTime Coaching Conflict Mode Assessment)
As a parent one of the most impactful things you can do is be present for your child. Not passive, avoidant, accommodating, but present. Whether your 50 years old or 15, we all have the same needs (we just may meet them differently).
A parent’s own fear, insecurity, anger, and even sadness can prevent them from being fully present for their kids when they may need it the most. The symptoms of struggle for a young person may not be blatantly obvious, which makes being present, aware, and appropriately involved that much more important.
In our interview, Emma’s mother (Kate) shares a little bit about her experience during the time that her daughter was trying to “figure it all out”.
YouTime: When did you realize that your child had challenges that affected her everyday life?
Kate: When she was around nine we noticed challenges with school work. When she hit middle school the social challenges began to appear more than ever and the insecurities controlled her.
YouTime: What was the evaluation and assessment process like for you and your child?
Kate: When she was in the third grade her school contacted us regarding her inability to pay attention. She had no idea what that meant and thought nothing of it, she was a typical happy child and as for myself, I instantly went into denial because my daughter was “perfect”, it was the teacher right?! It was NOT my child with the issue. I was very defensive and protective… Eventually, I agreed to have her tested for ADHD and with research and family support I realized that even with ADHD she is still “perfect”. The real challenge began in middle school when the depression and the anxiety took control of her. It was and still is very trying at times and has had a major effect on our family and relationship with parents of her peers.
YouTime: What were some of the biggest frustrations for you as a parent?
Kate: My biggest frustration had to be adjusting in how I helped her with school work or approach personal situations when talking to her. The mom in me wants to yell “just finish the work, sit still, why can’t you do this, who cares what people think….”. But I know I can’t approach her like that if I want her to remain open and talk to me. She shuts down when I appear frustrated and withdraws herself. I have learned to not react before I think and to try to understand that she thinks and how she learns differently than I do.
YouTime: Did you have any strategies for maintaining a balanced mind during this time period?
Kate: Prayer. I do not know another honest way to answer that question. I know there are those who would answer differently but for me that is the only strategy I have had.
YouTime: What do you attribute most for the positivity in your relationship with your daughter now?
Kate: I do not make her feel like she is anything less than perfect to me and that her ADHD, reading disorder, depression and anxiety are all things that make her even more perfect. I have done my best to help her see these traits as gifts in one way or another. I fail daily, I am not a perfect parent but making notes with reminders on them all around the house for her, simply reminding her at lunch with a text telling her to remember certain things and not making her feel like I am annoyed by her inability to stay on task or hold friendships at school.
YouTime Coaching Take Home:
Take this page straight out of Kate’s book, “I fail daily, I am not a perfect parent…”
Parenting an adolescent is quite a challenging task, let alone having to continue managing the things going on in your own life. This is a beautiful example of how appropriate parental support, involvement, and mindfulness can have a major positive impact on a young person’s life.
If you or anyone you know could use some support in being more present for your kids send us over some of your thoughts and questions.
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 26, 2017 | Anxiety, Behavior, Brain, Children, Depression, Distress, emotional problems, high school, Kids, Listening, parenting, Teenagers |
Part I: Emma’s Perspective
Most of us can remember during our teenage years the mundane writing assignments gifted to us by our teachers (not always their fault). They asked you to write essays “discussing the role of family in To Kill a Mockingbird, paying close attention to Aunt Alexandra.” or “from Steinbeck’s, Of Mice and Men, please discuss his descriptions of the natural world. What role does nature play in the novella’s symbolism?”.
Memory refreshed? Okay good, I’ll stop.
In most cases, the teachers will typically receive 3-4 variations of the same essay, coming from very similar perspectives. Reading these staple books, understanding their overarching themes and processing what it means to our current reality is quite useful. Yet still, during such a crucial time of physical and emotional growth for adolescents there is no replacement for a chance to write about something personal, of deep meaning, and most importantly brutal honesty.
So with all of this in consideration, what happens when you ask a teenager a more potentially vulnerable, subjective, and open-ended question to write an essay on? For example…
This leads us to Emma. On paper, Emma may sound like any ordinary high-school student. In reality, she is much more. Her personal journey towards self-acceptance is inspiring and can hopefully resonate with other kids the same age.
Here is Emma’s essay:
Amazing, huh?
We were able to snag some more of Emma’s time and ask her a few questions.
YouTime Coaching: Do you remember a moment when you realized things were “different” for you?
Emma: In elementary school things were easy and kids didn’t see me any different. Middle school is when I would say I started to realize that I could not complete things as fast or as easily as the other kids around me and I started to notice that I would say things without thinking, I would struggle to fit in with conversations my friends were have or when I would say something they would say “that isn’t even what we were talking about or that is stupid” and they were right, I found myself just saying random things to fit in. Eventually, I stopped talking in fear of sounding stupid or them laughing.
YouTime Coaching: What were some of your biggest frustrations during this process of understanding for you?
Emma: I would say my biggest frustrations are probably feeling so lonely and feeling like I will never find anyone that understands me. I am in high school now and teenagers are cruel, to be honest. Walking into a classroom and fearing the teacher will ask me to read out loud, walking into the lunchroom seeing all my old friends that I am no longer friends with because I did not know how to be a friend so to say… those are some of my biggest frustrations with myself.
YouTime Coaching: Who and what did you find most helpful in making some of the challenges more manageable?
Emma: My parents are so supportive and I know it has been so hard on them. I would say my mom has helped me more than anyone over the years. She has provided me with any ounce of information on ADHD, depression, anxiety, and dyslexia that she can find to help me understand what is going on with me. I would also say having a parent that is so motivated to educate herself in understanding me has been my biggest help.
YouTime Coaching: If you had a couple pieces of advice for another teenager going through something similar, what would the advice be?
Emma: Know that you are enough! Stop trying to “fit in” with kids that do not understand you and that do not care to understand you. TALK to someone, do not hold it in! Find someone that you are comfortable with and tell them how you feel no matter how dumb you may think it sounds. Oh, and fidget cubes… Those are lifesavers in school!!!!
YouTime’s take-home:
It could be a slip in grades, change in friends, hard time expressing emotions, or even controlling them. Teenagers can present their struggles very differently. Reaching the level of self-acceptance that Emma experienced takes a lot of courage, awareness, and support. Hopefully this story can be a testament to the power of parenting, genuine support for your teens, and that self-acceptance is a reality even in the midst of many personal challenges.
by YouTime Coaching | Mar 2, 2017 | Academics, Advice, Beliefs, Benefit, college, Decisions, high school, Preparation, steps, Success
A gap year is a year that students take between high school and college, usually doing some sort of structured, non-academic activity.
Sounds nuts. Why would anyone do this?
The reasons are many, but here are a few of the more common ones:
- A student is academically burnt out and needs a break from academics to recharge
- A student doesn’t yet have the maturity to succeed in college (did you know that the male brain and executive functioning capacity doesn’t fully mature until the late 20’s?!)
- A student has a passion that they want to pursue prior to college
- A student’s not that into the idea of college, (or parents aren’t that into the idea of dropping $200K on a “meh, I guess I’ll go” response)
- A student wants to gain more experience to then be able to make the best of college
- A student feels like they need another go at the college admissions process
Thinking the gap year might be right for your student? Here are some pros and cons to consider.
GAP YEAR: Pros
- According to an Australian study published in August in the Journal of Educational Psychology, taking a gap year is linked to higher motivation in college.
- Taking a structured Gap Year invariably serves to develop the individual into a more focused student with a better sense of purpose and engagement in the world.
- According to American Gap Association statistics, taking a gap year helped focus student academic and career paths: 84% say it helped them acquire skills to be successful in future careers, and 73% say the experience increased their college readiness.
GAP YEAR: Cons
- Some students may view the gap year as a vacation. Without a clear plan, the gap year can pass by without doing much positive good for your student. If your student isn’t willing to put in the work to plan a productive gap year, then they shouldn’t take one.
- Financial concerns can impact a student’s gap year. Not every parent can support their children completely during the gap year. Your student may need to work, or they may be able to secure a scholarship or grant from a gap year program or college.
Common Concerns
Even after discussing the pros and cons of a gap year, I typically hear three major concerns from parents:
- “Next year, my student will be ‘too old’ for college.” College isn’t high school: a college classroom often includes both lower- and upperclassmen, sometimes with graduate students or non-traditional students mixed in. Age is rarely an issue, especially a single year.
- “How do I know my student will go back to school?” This is one of my favorite excuses, because the best counter-argument is simply to wait until they work a full-time job. After 40-hour work weeks, most teenagers will beg to go back to school! In fact, according to a study, 90% of students who took a gap year ended up going back to school within a year. If you’re still concerned that your student may “drop out”, it may be wise to gain admission to a college that will allow a deferral enrollment for the following year.
- “Why should my student wait if s/he is ready now?” Adapting to a new set of academic and social responsibilities is not easy for everyone; the first semester of college is often a difficult transition. It can be fun and fulfilling to tackle these responsibilities on your own schedule, without the added burden of a strict class schedule, the stress of dorm living, or tuition. Your student may be ready intellectually now, but a gap year will likely leave them extremely prepared, not just ready.
If your student is considering a gap year, I always stress a well-rounded and structured approach, with an emphasis on personal growth. For example:
Summer: Apply for summer employment and begin planning for your upcoming fall.
September–January: You may want to participate in academic, social, and career enrichment opportunities specifically designed for gap years; some great places to find these opportunities are:
February–June:
- Apply for a job with the skills you learned from the fall, intern at a potential future workplace, or take a course at your local community college.
- You can also travel, especially if you needed the fall to help you save up for your trip.
July–September: Continue any of the opportunities you’ve started over the past year. Don’t forget to take time to relax and connect with friends!
The above plan is designed to help your student begin college after a gap year with a set of advantages: a rested mind, additional education (potentially in both the academic and career arenas), increased confidence from spending time in “the real world,” and an extra year of overall maturity. Too often, we allow personal growth to happen while we’re busy with other things. But especially during key transition times, the self should be the priority. Imagine how much more a student with a clear sense of passion and purpose can get out of the college experience!
Remember: college is ultimately about your student becoming their own person. Deferring enrollment until after a gap year can be a very rewarding stage on this personal journey, but only if it’s the right fit for your student!
Jay Bacrania CEO & Co-Founder of Signet Education
This blog was written by Signet Education’s CEO & Co-Founder, Jay Bacrania with assistance from Signet tutor, Matt Grzecki. Jay has worked extensively with both special needs and high achieving students. He has taken a broad academic path that spans the sciences and humanities. Jay holds an BA in Comparative Study of Religion from Harvard University and attended Berklee College of Music for two years for Jazz Trumpet Performance. Beyond tutoring, Jay is interested in managing and refining Signet Education. You can almost always bet on finding him there at all hours, teaching or finding ways to make Signet even better!
Signet Education provides exceptional individualized tutoring, test prep, admissions consulting, and organizational coaching for students.
by YouTime Coaching | Feb 8, 2017 | Academics, Anxiety, Change, Confidence, Fear, Focus, Life Coaching, Mental Health, Outcomes, Positive Psychology, Results, Stress
It’s natural for students to feel nervous as standardized tests approach.
But it’s also very easy for this anxiety to spiral out of control and affect their overall well-being. No test is worth that! (Not to mention that being paralyzed by fear is not the ideal condition for a test-taking brain.) Test anxiety can be rooted in a lack of mastery of the material, uncertainty about test-taking conditions, and/or dread of the long-term consequences of falling short—and often, some combination of the three.
If your student is suffering, take heart: test stress is not inevitable!
Each of these anxieties can be dealt with and you can minimizing test stress. Here are some strategies that can apply to almost any student preparing for almost any test.
- Own the fear. Telling a student their fear is “all in their head” is counterproductive. Of course it is—all emotions are in our heads! Instead, help your student determine what they should and should not worry about. If your student lacks mastery in a subject, their test anxiety may be very real. If they worry over material they’ve already mastered, then you’re dealing with a different type of anxiety entirely.
- One step at a time. Gradually acclimating your student to test pressures can help normalize the test-taking process for them. Completing practice tests, working under timed conditions, and learning to work in noisy environments can all help your student prepare for their experience in the testing center. A coffee shop or library—where they will have to work through sniffling, conversations, street noise, and other things that fray nerves—is a great place to prepare.
- Think outside the test. Sometimes the very format of the standardized test causes panic. In this case, help your student develop skills with something other than the test. Developing reading comprehension questions using a novel or newspaper article, or applying geometry skills by designing a bookcase or coffee table, may help your student master skills in a fun, non-threatening way.
- Practice good test hygiene. Habits can make or break a test-taker. Set routines for your student. For example, if the test will happen on a Saturday morning, set aside every Saturday morning for test prep. Work on maintaining good posture and a positive but aggressive attitude toward the test. Finally, consider mindfulness exercises that will help your student quiet their inner critic.
More than anything, emphasize keeping things in perspective. Though the SAT or ACT may seem all-important, remember that most students take the test two or three times, and there’s much more to a college application than just test scores!
This blog was written by Signet Education’s Director of Education, Sheila Akbar. Sheila is also Signet’s resident admissions and test prep expert. She has been preparing students for the SAT, ACT, and GRE for over ten years in both one-on-one and in classroom settings. Sheila holds both a BA and an MA in Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations from Harvard University and holds two PhDs from Indiana University in Comparative Literature and Near Eastern Languages and Cultures.
Signet Education provides individualized tutoring, test prep, admissions consulting, and organizational coaching for students.
by YouTime Coaching | Jan 25, 2017 | Appreciation, Arguments, Attitudes, Behavior, Behavioral Change, behavioral issues, Brain, Change, Children, Communication, Control, Emotions, Growth, high school, Listening, parenting, parents, Problems, Reaction, Teenagers
Nobody said that raising a teenager would be easy and some parents may even think they should be rewarded a medal once they survive it. Statements that are made about adolescence and teenage years such as, “Surviving it“, “Getting through it”, are the real area of concern.
Although these times can be filled with risk-taking behaviors, a surge of independence, what seams to be minimal communication, and an abundance of “pushing back”, they must remain open to “the work” of the adolescent years.
WHAT’S “THE WORK” OF ADOLESCENCE?
Emerging science is proving at great lengths that some of the ways we used to think about adolescence may be quite off. On a weekly basis YouTime Coaching receives emails and phone calls that very honestly communicate the frustrations of being a parent to an adolescent.
Here’s what the conversation topics look like…
Here are a few things you need to know about the what the science is telling us.
“THEY JUST NEED TO GROW UP” MENTALITY WILL NOT HELP.
This line of thinking has existed for years and rightfully so, adolescence is a time of immaturity. The problem that lies within this way of thinking is that it frames adolescence as a period of time in which you must survive, simply try and get through, endure, and come out with minimal long-term scars.
Here’s a helpful change of perspective… Adolescence is not simply about maturity vs immaturity. During adolescence the brain goes through a rapid growth period and because of these changes new behaviors and abilities present themselves. All of those common “frustrations” (above) that we hear from parents aren’t just things that you need to endure but are newly developed abilities that will end up laying the groundwork for core personality traits your child will develop for use in adulthood.
Pushing boundaries, exploring decision making, getting a taste for independence, and being emotional may drive you crazy and caused tons of stress, but are all integral building blocks that each adolescent must go through. Use this time to cultivate positive experiences and lessons from those frustrations. Most importantly, be an active part of “the work” that goes into these crucial developmental period in your child’s life.
KNOW THE UPSIDES AND DOWNSIDES TO ADOLESCENCE.
Parent’s tend to have a keen eye for a child’s impulsive decision making, risky-behaviors, pushing boundaries with sources of authority, and their kids not wanting to spend time with them. What all of these behaviors have in common… they have an upside and a downside.
Novelty seeking and reward driven behaviors can motivate a child to explore new ways of doing things, allow them to keep an open mind to additional perspectives, and be open to change. The downside could lead to risky behaviors without a major thought or concern for the outcome, which leaves a child vulnerable.
Adolescence spending a lot of time with friend (and therefor little time with their parents) could help them develop strong social connections and support networks which are heavily correlated with happiness and mental wellness. The downside is that not being around adults and only being around peers increases their chances of risky behavior and minimizes the opportunity for guidance and knowledge from an adult figure, in turn increasing risky behaviors.
You see, each new ability and behavior that is formed during adolescence can have a profound impact on their develop towards adulthood. Stay engaged, but be aware of these new found abilities that your child may possess.
The inspiration for this blog came from an article written by Dr. Daniel Siegel. Dr. Siegel is a world renowned scientist and expert in the field of mindfulness. He has a wonderful ability to take complicated scientific findings and communicate them in a way that makes them practical and exciting. Please read his article “The Amazing, Tumultuous, Wild, Wonderful, Teenage Brain.” on mindful.org.
P.S.
If you are a parent or a young person who has had some challenges and would like to share your story, let us know in the comment section below! If you have any questions, and we mean any, you can send them right over to [email protected] or visit our page at www.YouTimeCoach.com.
