by YouTime Coaching | Nov 4, 2014 | Health, Men's Health, Mental Health, Movember, Physical Health
The Movember Foundation is the leading global organization committed to changing the face of men’s health.
The Movember community has raised $559 million to date and funded over 800 programs in 21 countries. This work is saving and improving the lives of men affected by prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental health problems.
The Movember Foundation challenges men to grow moustaches during Movember (formerly known as November), to spark conversation and raise vital funds for its men’s health programs. To date, 4 million moustaches have been grown worldwide, but we won’t stop growing as long as serious men’s health issues exist.
Take a look at the Movember Men’s Health Checklist
to See What You Need to Be On Top Of:
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL Every 5 years or more frequently
with an abnormal test result
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria at age 19 and annual
flu vaccine
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES Regular Checks and HPV vaccine if appropriate
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin and have a doctor do an annual skin check
TESTICULAR CANCER Monthly self-exam, especially
if there is a family history |
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL Every 5 years or more frequently with an abnormal test result
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria booster every 10 years and annual flu vaccine
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES Regular checks, if appropriate
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin and have a doctor do an annual skin check
TESTICULAR CANCER Monthly self-exam, especially if there is a family history |
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL & INFLAMMATION MARKERS
Every 3-5 years or more frequently with an abnormal test result
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
DIABETES Blood sugar test –hemoglobin A1c– at age 45,
or earlier if overweight or other risk factors are present
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria booster every 10 years and annual flu vaccine
PROSTATE CANCER Baseline PSA test if African-American
or there is a family history; age 50 otherwise
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin
and have a doctor do an annual skin check
DISCUSS WITH YOUR DOCTOR The role of aspirin to lower risks for certain cancers and heart disease. The role of statins (cholesterol lowering drugs) for prevention of heart disease |
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL & INFLAMMATION MARKERS Every 3-5 years or more frequently with an abnormal test result
COLORECTAL CANCER Annual check up
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
DIABETES Annual check up
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria booster every 10 years and annual flu vaccine
OSTEOPOROSIS If risk factors are present
PROSTATE CANCER Annual check up
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin and have a doctor do an annual skin check
DISCUSS WITH YOUR DOCTOR The role of aspirin to lower risks for certain cancers and heart disease. The role of statins (cholesterol lowering drugs) for prevention of heart disease |
ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND Men between ages 65–75 who have smoked
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL & INFLAMMATION MARKERS
Every 5 years or more frequently with an abnormal test result
COLORECTAL CANCER Annual check up
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
DIABETES Every 3 years or as doctor recommends
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria booster every 10 years, annual flu vaccine, and shingles/herpes zoster vaccine once after age 60
HEARING If you are over age 65, have your hearing checked
OSTEOPOROSIS If risk factors are present
PROSTATE CANCER Annual check up
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin
and have a doctor do an annual skin check
DISCUSS WITH YOUR DOCTOR The role of aspirin to lower risks for certain cancers and heart disease. The role of statins (cholesterol lowering drugs) for prevention of heart disease |
ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND Men between ages 65–75 who have smoked
BLOOD PRESSURE Every 2 years or annually if high/low
FASTING CHOLESTEROL & INFLAMMATION MARKERS Every 5 years or more frequently with an abnormal test result
COLORECTAL CANCER Annual check up
DENTAL HEALTH Annual check up
DIABETES Every 3 years or as doctor recommends.
EYE HEALTH Every 2 years or as doctor recommends
IMMUNIZATIONS Tetanus-diphtheria booster every 10 years, annual flu vaccine, and pneumococcal vaccine after age 65
HEARING Annual check up
PROSTATE CANCER Annual check up
SKIN CANCER Look for marks or changes on your skin and have a doctor do an annual skin check
DISCUSS WITH YOUR DOCTOR The role of aspirin to lower risks for certain cancers and heart disease. The role of statins (cholesterol lowering drugs) for prevention of heart disease |
by YouTime Coaching | Oct 1, 2014 | Uncategorized
Whether you are good or bad at it, we ALL visualize things before doing it. Just like we all have that pesky inner voice and dialogue that never seems to mute itself. I want to present you with a technique I have used with many clients and myself that is a powerful way to redirect your negative thoughts, feelings, and mind-states.
Humans are condition to “see this” and then “feel this”. That is more than acceptable when what you’re seeing and thinking are positive. We all know this is frequently not the case.
Use the “Swish Technique” video and step by step visual instructions to redirect that negative thinking and regain some positive control back in your life.
Enjoy!
Step 1: Empty Movie Theatre
Imagine you are sitting in an empty movie theatre with
a blank movie screen in front of you.
Step 2: Create a Negative Picture “A”
Create an image that creates negative emotions and
thoughts such as anxiety and fear.
Step 3: Create a Positive Picture “B”
Create an image that creates very clear positive emotions and thoughts such as, confidence, happiness, and excitement.
Step 4: Put Negative Picture “A” Up With a Small Positive Picture “B” With picture “A” back up on the screen, make picture “b” the size of a postage stamp and place it down in the corner of the movie screen. You know what this small picture contain, although you may not be able to see all the details while it is this small.
Step 5: Count Down 3-2-1 and
Make a Loud SWISHHH!
With picture “A” on the screen and the small picture “B” in the lower corner, you will count down from 3 to 1 and at 1 you will make a loud “swish” sound. During that “swish” sound you will take the small picture “B” and blow it up to take over the entire screen. You now no longer can see the negative picture “A” and can only see the positive picture “B”.
Step 6: Look At Positive Picture “B” and State the Positive Emotions You Feel Seeing It
Now that positive picture “B” is on the big screen, take it in and feel the positivity and desirable feelings. Ask yourself, “How do I feel seeing this positive picture”. Really try and associate the positive emotions and thoughts with the picture.
Step 7: Clear Your Mind and Repeat
Congratulations on completing round one! Now clear your mind by standing up, counting, clapping your hands, and doing what’s necessary to clear that noggin of yours. You are going to repeat this entire process 7-8x.
That’s it! Use this technique to redirect your thoughts and recondition your responses to particular circumstances and environments.
ENJOY!
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 25, 2014 | Advice, Behavior, Change, Communication, Connections
One of the many things that human’s possess that never shuts off is our ears. Even when we are sleeping, we are listening. In such a noisy world full of distractions, loud noises, and multi-tasking, how are we actually able to listen to anything worthwhile?
Is listening to those around us even possible anymore?
Something is wrong here, right?
Humans use listening to gain meaning through sound, but in a world so noisy this requires more energy then ever.
Take for instance being on a subway and looking around at how many people are wearing headphones, listening to their music. These people may seem like the are attempting to fully devote their ears to their music and are fully focused in on it. What this creates though is a bunch of individuals isolating themselves and not actually listening to those around them. It is sometimes no wonder why people find it hard to communicate, relate, and connect with people. We are frequently in our own worlds!
What needs to happen to regain this integral piece of communication and connection. The piece that helps us understand each other, gain meaning from one another, and exist together.
Well… here are 3 steps to start regaining our ability to listen:
Reboot Our Ears:
Take 3 minutes (only 90 seconds) of silence a day (or quietness). This actually helps your ears recalibrate themselves. Returning them to a place of higher performance.
Relate Sounds:
Some people find particular noises “annoying” or “distracting”, such as an air-conditioner, a truck/train going by, or a baby crying. Try to take some of the sounds you hear on a day to day basis and relate them to something positive. Imagine your world when those sounds don’t piss you off or get you in a negative mood.
Follow the Rules:
So we have lost our ability to fully listen to those around us which has resulted in retaining only 25% of what we listen to! We are better then that, and here is an acronym that will help you retain more information.
R.A.S.A.
- R eceive: Pay attention to the person. (eye contact, look at their lips, stay focused)
- A ppreciate: Use small sounds/word to appreciate what the person is saying (hmm, okay, yes…etc)
- S ummarize: Old trick in the book. If you reflect back some of the information you were just told it will not only help you remember it but will make the other person feel appreciated and respected. (try starting the summary by saying “So”)
- A sk: Use relevant questions as a way of expressing interest, staying engaged, and as another staple to retain more information.
Remember that listening is how we understand each other and the things around us. It is always one of the top issues in relationships and families. It is worth paying close attention to.
*Some of the information provided above was derived from Julian Teasure’s TED Talk “5 Ways to Listen Better”.
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 11, 2014 | Uncategorized |
Why do adults love being around children?
Do they have special powers, are we naturally drawn to them, or do they uncover a piece of us that wishes we could be just as
happy as they are?
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One thing is for sure, they smile and they do it a lot. When you compare it to their older counterparts, adults, there is no comparison. Whether the numbers are spot on or off by a bit, the jury is no longer out, kids laugh and smile far more than adults.
The good news is that you have access to this super power as well. Some things you should know about smiling before moving forward, so that you can really get an idea of the power of your smiles.
1. ONE SMILE = 2,000 Bars of Chocolate
- Research shows that one genuine smile produces the same amount of brain activity as eating 2,000 bars of chocolate.
2. ONE SMILE = $25,000
- British researchers found that one smile provide the same amount of brain stimulation as receiving $25,000.
3. We smile before being born.
- 3D Ultrasound technology is able to show that developing babies actually smile in the womb!
Now that we know the power of smiling, lets look at the smiling cycle and how smiling impacts us as well as other people.
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1. You Smile: Just Because
2. You Look Good and Feel Good: Brain imaging and EEG shows that “feel good” hormones are released as a reaction to you smiling. It makes you feel better and more confident.
3. Others See You Smile: When others see you smile, neurons known as “Mirror Neurons” encourage you to feel the same emotion that is in front of you, HAPPY! (check them out! “The Mind’s Mirror” American Psychological Association)
4. They Mimic You and Smile: The same way that yawning seems to be contagious, smiles are as well. You see someone smile and naturally you desire to as well. Those Mirror Neurons at work once again!
5. They Look Good and Feel Good: If you look good and feel good while smiling, why can’t others? Share the wealth! Those same “feel good” hormones, predominately Serotonin, are released when others smile as well.
6. You Smile: It all will feed back to you or extend onto others.
YOUR JOB
Make sure to smile multiple times each day. Especially when feeling a little down.
Smile for your sake and others as well.
Your smiles impact others.
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 2, 2014 | Uncategorized
What turns out to be one of, if not the most, important days of your life….YOUR WEDDING!
For decades the “traditional wedding” has seem to be a thing of the past. Sure you have old traditions at your wedding but wedding counts exceeding 200 people, costs of $30,000+, ceremonies held outside of churches and synagogues, and new traditions that newlyweds want to establish for themselves for the first time simply show us that weddings are different these days.
One thing that hasn’t changed over time (for most people), is that your wedding day is a learning experience. I want to share what I learned on my wedding day at Sakonnet Vineyards in Little Compton Rhode Island on August 9th, 2014.
3 Life Lessons From My Wedding
1. Take a Moment for Yourself.
Life gets pretty crazy at points. Our world can sometimes consist of our own expectations, external expectations, procrastination, multitasking, and so on.
When do you get a moment to slow down, savor the moment, be present and mindful, and witness what is going on around you? The answer is, you need to create this moment for yourself. A moment to yourself and in such a small amount of time (even a couple minutes), is enough to help you shift your focus, improve your mood, and become more mindful.
On Kate and my wedding day, during our first dance we were in our own bubble. My younger sister and her boyfriend sang our first song (January Wedding by The Avett Brothers, changed to “August Wedding” — Check her out
Whitney Wolf Music). We heard it, but saw no one around, it was just us. My appreciation for the day drastically went up at that very moment.
2. Express Yourself
We are human and are driven by emotions. The reality is, some emotions are easier to express than others. This means a couple things. First, find another source to express through such as, painting, music, writing…etc. Second, you deserve to express your emotions… intelligently.
On my wedding day, I was excited, anxious, and so unbelievably happy. I made it a point to express all of those that day in their own respective ways. I believe this picture is a culmination of all three of those emotions coming out!
3. Be Part of Something Bigger
On August 9th of this year I became part of something bigger, an extended family that I truly have felt a part of for the past 5 years. To put it lightly…it felt good.
One undeniable human need in this world is for “connection/love”. We desire to connect/love others and be connected/loved by others. One thing that most people look over is that our need for connection and love can be partially met and enhanced through being connected to other things like our environment, our health, the food we eat, and many more venues.
Find new sources in your life of connection and love to enhance your own experiences and meet your own needs.
I LOVE YOU KATE WOLF!
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 18, 2014 | Advice, Connections, Dating, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Receive, Relationships
“I don’t feel like picking a girl up at a bar.”
“I always seem to meet a guy that is completely wrong for me.”
“It is such an easy hook up.”
“They didn’t look like their profile picture.”
For those familiar with the online dating scene these thoughts may hit all to close to home. When it comes to trying Plenty of Fish or the recently popularized site Tinder, everyone seems to have such high hopes.
Sure they take the “going out to meet someone” concept out of the equation and match individualizes based on personality, interests and relationship goals, but is this potentially causing more harm than good? This is in no way discounting the healthy and long lasting relationships that have bloomed from online dating, because there are many. Nor is this claiming that online dating is bad, in fact it helps many people connect with individuals they wouldn’t have in the first place.
For perspective sake, could pre-matching individuals be handicapping us by minimizing the real life challenges presented while trying to connect with someone in a less constructed social environment?
Sure, that sounds like a hypothesis for a politically correct research paper, but the real question is “Why does this generation need online dating so bad?”
Reasons I have heard so far:
“I don’t have enough time to go meet somebody.” (very popular one)
“I am not good at hitting on women/guys at a bar.”
“It takes all the middle stuff out.”
Online dating has its purposes, but the perspective I would like to provide you with is how to use online dating principles to improve your non-online dating love life.
PRINCIPLE #1
Proximity Principle
Put simply, things that are closer to each other tend to stay together, get grouped together, and form interpersonal relationships. Tinder uses this technique quite wonderfully by searching for potential matches in your area. To steal some of this effect and apply it without an online dating profile, find local hang outs and places of interests. This could be a coffee shop/cafe, restaurant, parks…etc. Whatever it is, if it is closer to where you work, live, or typically hangout the likelihood of seeing the same people more then once will increase.
PRINCIPLE #2
VULNERABILITY
So you don’t want to share your entire life and baggage on the first date or even first encounter but you do want to create a genuine connection. Online dating allows you put some of that information out there for others to judge whether or not it is in sync with their beliefs, values, and priorities. What you need to do is find that middle ground between “What time is it?” or “Great weather today” with “How many ex-girlfriends/boyfriends do you have” or “I would love to have kids”. There is a time and place for this. Offer a little information that creates a small amount of vulnerability and let them know you are human. For example, when I first started dating my wife I told her that I grew up the middle child of two sisters and that is most likely why I am able to handle “chick-flicks”. I could of been judged on this but instead it was a source of humor and connection.
PRINCIPLE #3
LETS BE FRIENDS
Regardless of your dating goals, it is more than okay to establish “non-romantic” relationships. In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification. Take the time to get to know somebody and establish a foundation to build off of. Sex is one aspect of a relationship and is popular thing for couples to focus on. If you meet somebody out, focus on building a genuine connection and not simply a physical one.
I hope you are able to find these 3 principles useful in your
search for that special somebody.
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 21, 2014 | Uncategorized
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 1, 2014 | Uncategorized
The basic building blocks of your life’s journey and the decisions you make are your beliefs and the code you live by. For some, religion may provide these pieces. For others, past life experiences could contribute. Our belief system is dynamic and is pieced together from a wide array of sources.
After attending for the second time the Bonnaroo Music Festival 2014, I decided on reading their “Code and Terms” in the festival info section. This is where I realized two things. First, these “codes” are meant for everybody, everywhere, at any time. Second, I saw this “code” actually be put into effect and the result was 90,000-100,000 people in one area for 4 days maintaining peace.
Now I present to you, “The Rules of Life: According to the Bonnaroo Music Festival”
1. PREPARE THY SELF
Bonnaroo Meaning: Pack the right stuff for the blazing Tennessee sun and four days of no showering.
Life Meaning: One thing that makes humans unique is their ability to project into the future, to predict outcomes and prepare themselves. Unfortunately, we are not always accurate and can not always predict what life will bring our way. It has a funny way of throwing curve balls and wrenches at us sometimes.
Make sure you are equipped with effective coping mechanisms, support, and resources to battle even the hardest of life’s challenges.
2. PLAY AS A TEAM
Bonnaroo Meaning: There is going to be so many friggin people here, just help each other out and all will be good.
Life Meaning: Whether you like it or not, we all need some help sometimes. Lend a hand and support those around you, others will see and want to help back. Most of the time, people appreciate at least an offer to help let alone an actual helping hand. This could mean helping your partner out or a complete stranger. Either way, be the example of what a good teammate is.
3. RADIATE POSITIVITY
Bonnaroo Meaning: You are pretty much on vacation. Listen to awesome music, eat, hang out and be merry.
Life Meaning: Ever heard of “Debbie Downer”? Negativity is infectious, well so is positivity. Don’t just simply feel positive, radiate it so others will see. Research shows that positive emotions and events add to your happiness. Be pro-active in your positivity. Radiate the hell out of it.
4. RESPECT THE FARM
Bonnaroo Meaning: Don’t throw trash on the ground, nobody wants to be sitting in your garbage. Use one of the hundreds of recycling, compost, and trash can around you.
Life Meaning: Respect your environment. This doesn’t simply mean to recycle, throw your trash in a can, or be more green, it also means to respect your own home, room, and body. Eat healthy, exercise, and keep your personal spaces clean. A clean body and clean home is a happy person!
5. DON’T BE THAT GUY/GAL
Bonnaroo Meaning: There are plenty of things to complain about. The heat, your legs hurting from standing so long, or the lack of showering at the festival. Don’t bring down your own positive vibe along with your friends.
Life Meaning: Life has challenging moments and we ALL experience them. Even when things are less then optimal, keep in mind that your mindset and emotions don’t just affect you and have an impact on those around you. Remember to search for the positive in all that is thrown your way and to radiate positivity.
6. STAY TRUE ROO
Bonnaroo Meaning: When at Bonnaroo, everybody gets a long and thoroughly enjoys themselves. The problem is that Bonnaroo lasts only 4 days and your life continues afterwards. Implement the positive things you learned at Bonnaroo into your everyday life.
Life Meaning: Don’t radiate positivity for one day. Don’t lend a helping hand one time. Don’t find the positive in one circumstance. Don’t treat your body and space with respect 1 day out of the week. Implement these strategies as frequently as possible and create your new normal!
If this code of ethics can get almost 100,000 people to be peaceful and happy for four days, I believe it can work for you.
Examine your current lifestyle and see which “Rule of Life” you could afford to implement more frequently. Share your experience on YouTime Coaching’s Facebook page –> YouTime’s FB Page
by YouTime Coaching | May 21, 2014 | Change, happiness, Positive, Self-Change, Stages of Change, Support, Tracking Progress
The “Self-Help” field is a multi-billion dollar a year industry. By the figures alone, most people are consistently trying to improve themselves, experience change, and accomplish goals.
There is potential for significant harm when simply picking up a self-help book in the local bookstore. Here is a great clip of
Dr. John Norcross (one of the leading researchers in personal and professional change), sharing how there are actually only a couple, literally, a couple resources out there proven to work and how others can cause serious harm to you.
If you skipped down to this before watching the clip, don’t try taking a short-cut (that may say something about how you also approach your own personal and professional change). Go back and watch it.
Okay, so you have watched the clip and I want to now provide you with what I believe are 3 of the most important researched and proven to work strategies that will be vital to any self-change.
Strategy 1:
“Nobody wants to achieve the negative”
Imagine setting a goal, such as,
“I want to stop procrastinating”
“I want to not overeat”
“I want to stop being attracted to jerks”
“I don’t want to work a miserable job”
Does this sound all too familiar?
A huge number of individuals fall short in a fundamental piece to goal setting, which is, DO NOT SET NEGATIVE GOALS. Nobody wants to achieve a negative goal or move forward with it.
Almost sounds conflicting…”I am going to achieve and make progress with the negative”
When setting your goal, make sure to set it in a “positive-frame” rather than a “negative frame”. I will list some examples.
“I will stop procrastinating” (negative frame)
“i will be more pro-active and assertive” (positive frame)
“I don’t want to overeat” (negative frame)
“I will be more mindful and conscious regarding my meals” (positive frame)
Moving towards something positive and something “gained” has a far more positive impact then trying to “avoid the negative” or “delete” something out of your life. The “positive frame” will help with your mental and physical endurance while pursuing the goal!
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Strategy 2:
“Nobody wants to be alone”
Sure we all want to think that we can make changes, reach goals, and live amazing lives all by ourselves. As much as this sounds nice and empowering, research shows that it is absolutely necessary to have a support team along the way.
Your social support team will not only help you progress with your goals, but is actually a huge factor in an individuals happiness!
This is what you need to do.
- Make a list of specific ways you need support in achieving your change.
- Number the specific ways so you know exactly how many people you need on your “team”.
- Start fielding a team by contacting people you know and specifically asking for their help in the way that you need it. (remember that some may not be comfortable, knowledgeable, or willing to help out for many reasons. It is important you are clear with them about what you are trying to accomplish and ask them if they can support you in that way)
- Keep your team updated throughout the process and stay connected! (communicate with them if you need check ins, help with accountability…etc)
Things to think about regarding support:
- There are different types of support, so different people should be included as each person offers something new.
- Some people aren’t able to provide the support you need, so be clear with them about your needs and respect if they aren’t able to help out.
- You are not looking for friends and family to coach you. Many people would like to add their “5 cents” to the conversation. This is not the support you are looking for. That support comes from a trained and experienced Life Coach.
Strategy 3:
“If you take steps backwards, you will want to stop walking”
So you establish a specific, attainable, realistic, and timely goal that is in line with your values, now what?
One of the pieces I purposely left out of the above equation is making your goal “measurable”.
You MUST find ways to measure your progress.
Research shows that measuring progress can increase your self-confidence, motivation to continue, and happiness. On a simple level, take a second and think about why anybody would desire to continue pursuing something that you are not showing improvement or making progress on.
Truth is, they don’t want to continue!
In this day and age, technology can be your friend and help you track progress. Here is a link that will provide apps that help you track progress on numerous types of goals.
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YouTime Coaching provides Life Coaching and Therapeutic Mentoring to individuals and families. YouTime Coaching works side by side with individuals to help create direction, passion, and produce lasting personal and professional change. Together we create an environment for clients that truly delivers the necessary “YOU” time needed to regain focus, motivation, and the desire to grow. Together, we will discover what truly motivates and drives your most successful decisions and behaviors.
YouTime Coaching will help define your goals, support systems, purpose and value to change, help find multiple ways of achieving it, and make the necessary shifts in body, language, and focus to get you there. Through working with a diverse population of clients, YouTime Coaching has successfully helped many adolescents, adults, parents, athletes, and those in the performing arts with building resiliency, motivation, confidence, and lasting personal and professional change.
by YouTime Coaching | Apr 22, 2014 | Communication, Compromise, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Get, Give, Listening, Receive, Relationships, Science
Sure he looks calm, cool, and collective, because he has to be! Former FBI negotiator Gary Noesner explains to us how to get anybody on your side.
There are 6 keys steps that Gary shares with us. It is important to hit all of them as best as you can. If you feel like you can’t manage that (not a big deal and not a simple task at the beginning) than simply tackle a couple that you are confident you can handle.
Step 1:
Don’t Try to Win
In a hostage situation, we never go in saying “We’re gonna wink and this person’s gonna lose.” Its not about getting you to comply with what I want or accept my point of view. It’s about us working together to reach the best agreement we can. A win is a mutual thing.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Your relationship with your spouse, boss, or any other meaningful relationship.
Step 2:Keep Your Emotions In Check
Self-control is essential when trying to influence someone’s decision-making process. If you get angry or display frustration, if your body language says you’re pissed off, you’ve lost already. But if you behave in positive ways, it has a tendency to be mimicked. It’s hard to have a two-way argument when only one person is arguing.
*YouTime Practice Applications*
Once again any meaningful relationships, when you are having a “bad day”, when you need something from somebody.
Interested in the science of mimicking?
Check out this interesting article on mirror neurons.
The Mind’s Mirror – American Psychological Association
Step 3:
Keep Their Emotions In Check
When people are argumentative and raising their voices, what they are really saying is, “I want you to hear me, I’m angry.” So acknowledge that. “You sound like you are really upset.” Slow down and wait to articulate your point of view. Imagine a child’s teeter-totter at an angle: When emotions are high rationality is low. Before you can gain cooperation, you have to lower emotions.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
At the beginning of arguments to establish acceptance, to normalize somebody’s feelings, when you absolutely need people to hear your valid points, and definitely use this you are considered “a bad listener”.
Step 4:
Be a Good Listener
Take the time to understand the other person’s point of view and you’re much more likely to be successful in getting what you want. Be open physically too: Face the person, make good eye contact, be attentive and smile – it’s one of the most powerful influencing tools we know.
*YouTime Practical Applications*
Use when speaking with a female (the love listeners) and effective during communicating sensitive topics.
Step 5:
Start Small
If you treat an argument like a zero-sum game, it prevents you from taking a more appropriate intermediate step, which is, let’s find some common areas. Tackle the issue that has the best chance for compromise. Lock that one down, then move on to the more difficult ones, knowing they may not be solvable.
*YouTime Practical Application*
When arguing with “bigger concept” type people, when compromise is what you are looking for, and when the issue you are dealing with is a longer term “process” problem.
Step 6:
Give to Receive
If you demonstrate a willingness to be open and flexible – that you’re willing to meet halfway, that there are aspects of your position you might modify – it puts a burden on them. It’s like saying, “It’s your turn to show that you, too, can be sensible.” Most reasonable, intelligent people will say, “OK, this person has stepped to on the a limb, they’re are willing to work with me. Now I have to show something.”
*YouTime Practical Application*
Use when dealing with reasonable people, somebody that is rigid may not take well to this method. Use if you are communicating to somebody that believes you are a rigid person. Always give to receive, the law of reciprocity is on your side.
*This article was adapted and sourced from Men’s Journal, April 2014. The article was written by Maria Fontoura.
