by Jonathan Wolf | Jan 9, 2018 | Uncategorized
In parenting, you may think that kids are needy and can sometimes be a pain in the ass. Well, kids may think, “right back at ya”. Being a better parent is not about admitting you are a bad one, it is simply acknowledging that the thunder, lightning, and challenges early adulthood can drop on an unprepared young person (which you will most likely have to deal with) makes investing some effort now worth it. Since parenting is so damn unpredictable and complicated, we will provide you clear skills that are vital to your child’s upbringing. Always keep in mind, these skills are simple to understand but require work to master.
STEPPING UP YOUR PARENTING GAME: YOU THERE?
Physically, sure. Mentally, meh.
A small pilot study in the Journal of Pediatrics followed 55 caregivers and found out that of those parents, 40 of them used a mobile device while eating with their kids. On top of this, 3 gave their phone to their kid to keep them occupied.
Of course, this one example is a microcosm of a bigger issue. The issue is not being present with your kid. Both kids and parents have more going on and at a faster pace than ever before, which puts an even bigger emphasis on improving this area of your parenting game.
Here are sometimes where parents are not as present with their child.
- Meal times
- In the morning getting ready
- When you feel rushed for time
- Anytime you are multitasking
- After busy work days
- When the environment is messy
- When your kid asks you a question
Being distracted, listening with the intent to respond, or being controlled by some emotion (irritation, anger, sadness…etc) can reek havoc on your ability to truly be there for your kid. Why does this really matter?
Kid don’t just need attention, they need genuine attention. They have an uncanny ability to grow up fearing that they are not good enough, are not able to be loved, and/or that they will constantly be facing rejection. As with many things, the reasons behind this does not neatly fall into one box, but things such as not being present when around your child can contribute to changes in their self-worth. This isn’t just about them because when you are fully there for them, listening, open, and non-judgmental then the parent will reap the benefits as well.
Try some of these strategies:
1. Start by taking a closer look at the bulleted items above and get an idea of how present or distracted you truly are.
2. Try having dinner with no electronics on and see what you notice.
3. Look your kids in the eyes when you are having a conversation with them without the intent to respond.
4. Try remaining more “open” so they can feel accepted and are more likely to talk to you about how they are doing.
5. Play a game with them, without your phones around or the tv on.
6. Work with them on finding a time to “just spend some time together”. Picking an activity is okay, just keep it simple and personal (and off the phones).
Now is the time to start investing your efforts into being more present with your child and share your stories on YouTime Coaching’s social media pages below!
by YouTime Coaching | Nov 20, 2017 | Uncategorized
We want answers.
In our line of support, we very frequently come across the frustrated parent. Your kid seemingly can’t muster up enough self-control to pay attention to the “important stuff” in school or at home but can easily be ready to hang out with friends or play video games. Well, sometimes frustration is an understatement.
As we all know, a diagnosis of ADHD has been growing over the last decade. While there is still debate as to why it’s growing, there is not much debate in the sheer numbers. Even outside of the increase in diagnosis there are other explanations as to why a young person has trouble focusing.
The Mental Building Blocks:
Executive functioning skills are the mental building blocks that enable all of us to manage our emotions, keep some order in our lives, and get things accomplished. When people think about these skills they typically gravitate towards time management, organization, and planning/prioritizing. Afterall, it is quite obvious when a kids room is a war zone, their backpack a natural disaster, and their priorities, well, not present.
What people need to remember here is that these skills go far past the previously mentioned. Executive functioning skills include important factors such as stress tolerance, sustained attention, and emotional regulation. If we remind ourselves that these are skills, then we maintain the perspective that they can be developed and strengthened.
ADHD is not the only reason why people lose focus.
When people are in the middle of a stress response or have trouble regulating their own emotional reactions/responses they can also struggle with sustained attention. Yes, individuals with ADHD typically have deficits in their executive functioning skills, but individuals without ADHD can also be challenged with these same deficits. Having a little more direction and understanding in where the attentional issues are coming from can help form the first steps in developing strategies to mitigate these struggles.
Want to learn more about your kid’s (or yours!) executive functioning skills? Head on over to the assessments page here (CLICK) Assess and Understand Your Strengths and Assess and Understand Your Weaknesses.
by YouTime Coaching | Oct 24, 2017 | Academics, Anxiety, Change, college, Communication, Confidence, Control, Focus, Growth, parenting, Uncategorized
We hear it all the time… helicopter parenting and that the millennial generation is being raised too protected from struggle, diversity, and overcoming “normal” life-stage challenges. Wherever you stand on this doesn’t necessarily matter because both sides need to learn from how they are experiencing struggle both directly and indirectly. Your college freshman will undoubtedly be faced with challenges, but it will not be everything your anxiety is telling you it will be.
There are some important takeaways and a crucial reminder.
JUST BECAUSE STRUGGLE AND YOUR CHILD’S NAME ARE IN THE SAME SENTENCE DOESN’T MEAN IT IS A CUE TO STEP IN. Understand that taking a supportive backseat versus getting into the driver seat can be quite valuable. Not only does it give your child a chance to build confidence in their abilities to navigate tough situations or seek out help but it allows parents invaluable time to build trust in their kid’s ability to handle struggle.
For parents that just sent their kids away for their first year of college here are some things you should know about what may be going on and the struggles that freshman most commonly face.
Read more of Youtime Coaching’s published article, “Know Your Kid’s Freshman College Struggles” in the Grafton News by clicking HERE.
by YouTime Coaching | Sep 1, 2017 | Uncategorized
Oh boy, nothing makes me happier to hear somebody say, “I can’t do it”.
Sure, there’s a percentage of people who actually won’t be able to do “it” because of their skill level or how difficult the task is, but another big percentage of those people actually mean I won’t stick with it. These groups don’t need to be mutually exclusive and in fact, we have all been in both boats.
When you say that you “can’t” do something but actually have the skills and abilities to perform the task you are sending a mixed message to your brain. Typically the message is either fear or instant gratification based. When the message is fear-based but there is no threat of real danger then this will trigger a real fight or flight response (on false pretenses) and begin the pattern of convincing your brain that perceived fear is the same as actual danger.
Saying “I can’t do it” is quite a nice way of convincing yourself that whatever it is you’re trying to do you can’t actually do because of something outside of your control. It is also a nice way to completely screw up your rational way of thinking and can drastically limit you.
When people say they can’t do it, they really mean they won’t make time for it and don’t like the outcome when they try it. Let me introduce you to an important word:
RESILIENCE: The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Those who master resilience tend to feel more in control of their lives, have healthier social support, maintain a healthy self-image/confidence, and can identify a greater sense of purpose. If you do not like the outcome, try again. If it doesn’t fill your expectations, try again. Quickly cutting yourself off because of some level of discomfort, pain, Vulnerability, boredom, or frustration severely cutting you off from opportunity and growth.
In this field, there is not a shortage of hearing excuses and fear-based rationales for why things don’t get done. Obviously, cultivating an environment of acceptance is important but at the same time, clear and “to-the-point” communication is sometimes most helpful.
Whoever is reading this, just know that you should stay away from accepting “I can’t do it” as a completely honest answer. Our minds, especially when driven by fear or instant gratification can convince us of pretty much anything.
by YouTime Coaching | Aug 3, 2017 | Uncategorized
When I grew up I was not a fighter.
I went to a Quaker school for 8 years (they deeply believe in non-violence), and became a black belt in a martial arts form that literally translates to “open fist”, meaning you learn how to defend yourself without necessarily attacking. Even though I may have received the ‘non-violent’ approach from multiple sources, it does not make you impervious to emotional and physical injury, including failure.
When I was in fourth grade a kid named Charlie kept making fun of me on the playground. I gave him verbal warning number one…number two… and after he continued to poke, I picked up a rubber trash can and threw it at him. Keep in mind, I was very scrawny growing up so this was not as if I was throwing an Olympic javelin towards his head. The trash bin did actually hit him causing no injury, but scared him enough that he left me alone.
Another time I was running towards the basketball courts and tripped, falling face first on cement. Fortunately, I have no scars to prove it, but it did leave a nice strawberry on my cheek. The pain healed and I moved on, knowing that if I continued to run like that there was a risk involved. For a long time the fall played over and over in the back of my mind whenever I went to play basketball at that court.
As a kid, I felt fragile.
Physically speaking, I was typically underweight, did not have a lot of muscle, felt I had a low threshold for pain, was scared easy, and compared myself to my “stronger” peers.
Years later, experiencing all of the struggle, adversity, injuries, pain, ADHD, and anxiety adolescence and young adulthood has to offer I believe that I have turned out quite well. With that being said, those same playgrounds have recycled rubber playing surfaces instead of concrete, bolted down trash bins vs throwable ones (this one may actually be for the better), and typically parent’s or another adult constantly supervising and ‘co-playing’.
In a society where around a third of kids are sent to school with sanitizing gel, what is the impact of a parent’s anxiety in how fragile a kid may grow up. Psychology Today’s Editor at Large, Hara Estroff Marano rights an interesting piece titled, “A Nation of Wimps”.
Read the article here and share your thoughts below!
Don’t go at this alone. If you need some support with your high-school, college, or young adult child we want to hear more. Go to the contact us page by clicking here and let’s see how we can help.
by YouTime Coaching | Jul 28, 2017 | Uncategorized
Don’t sweat it, Mom and Dad, once again you are not the only ones out there. You have expectations of your kid and that is okay, but where does it become not okay? When do the expectations become a problem rather than useful direction for a kid to follow? What happens when your kid starts to become angry or withdrawn from your expectations and begins to decide “eh, maybe I’ll shoot for the opposite”.
Every day high-school and college kids are bombarded with not only actual expectations but perceived expectations as well. This is typically a big source of stress for young people and ultimately could turn into more than just feeling stressed out.
We will keep this one short and sweet, below are six things to think about when discussing, developing, changing, or even simply thinking about expectations and the impact it may have on your kid.
6 Things to Know About Your Expectations and Your Kids
1.THE PAST IS NOT A PROLOGUE FOR YOU OR YOUR KID.
What we mean by this is that just because your parents raised you a certain way doesn’t mean it was right, or that it even works for your own kid. Take a step outside of this storyline and find new ways to develop helpful goals for your child.
2. KIDS SEE EXPECTATIONS AS BINDING WITH LITTLE ROOM FOR MESSING UP.
Try using the word “guidance” instead of “expectations” when developing these principles. If you try running your household like a boot-camp be ready for ample (and creative) push-back down the line. Help guide rather than enforce.
3. YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE KEEPING UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN.
First try and identify for yourself what kind of expectations you have for your kid. Now, dig a little deeper and see if you actually hold yourself to those standards (obviously replacing topics with those that are relevant to you).
4. ONCE YOUR KID FEELS THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL, LET THE ANXIETY AND STRESS SET IN.
Parents typically have expectations that are with ability or outcome If your kid has little or virtually no control over the outcome or if the ability has little to do with the actual outcome they will begin to feel their behaviors and efforts have no real impact on the result. Focus on identifying the controllable with them.
5. IF YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SET THE EXPECTATION, YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO SUPPORT THEM WITH IT.
Don’t be that parent that simply shouts out expectations and waits for it to magically appear by the grace of your kids singular efforts and abilities. You set the expectation as a parent, you support them as a parent. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living if you expect something from your kid help them by setting smaller milestones in order to achieve it.
6. HOW HIGH IS TOO HIGH?
Studies show high parental expectations are connected to high academic performance. While this may be true, we also know that there are such things as too high of parental expectations and these can cause a lot of unwanted side effects. It will take some time and practice to find the balance. You don’t want your kid flying under the radar while being held to mediocre standards, while at the same time you want to stay away from your kid feeling controlled by these expectations. Adjusting expectations, open communication about them, and consistent follow-up can help.
One major thing to keep in mind moving forward is that good parenting is not simply seen through your child’s behaviors but is also witnessed through the parent’s behaviors as well.
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