Recently I was talking to a friend of mine who had a couple job interviews for really great opportunities. In their second interview they had an opportunity to speak with an employee that had only been there for a few months. They had a very meaningful and deep message to communicate.
Following the newer employee expressing his positive regard for the workplace culture they said, “If you are a yes person this may not be a great place for you.” Immediately after hearing this my friend’s inner dialogue said, “Shit, I am a yes person.”
Let us clarify something for you. A “yes person”, is more than somebody who has trouble saying no, but also has the tendency to operate from a place of fear (what will happen if I say no?), takes on more responsibility and added stress because they sometimes have trouble advocating for themselves, and those that can easily struggle with validation from the environment around us. Nobody wants to admit that they are a “yes person”, especially if that means identifying with anything potentially negative. When push comes to shove many of us have that inner “yes person” as a built-in mindset.
The “yes person” mindset can affect employees, friends, parents, teachers, kids, and pretty much anyone else that may have responsibilities that are more than self-serving.
Still in denial about having the “yes person” mindset? I am sure you can think of at least one time where it was nearly impossible to say no.
YouTime Coaching frequently works with parents that are “yes people”. This is not a designation of fault, but there is most definitely a need to talk about it and look deeper. Whether you heavily identify with this mindset or not, below we provide you two risks “yes people” face and two rewards for being more aware and mindful of everyone’s needs when making decisions (even on the fly).
THE RISKS OF BEING A “YES PERSON”:
1. System overload.
Here is your logic for the day…
Focusing on one task at a time = each task receives a lot of focus/attention
Focusing on multiple tasks at once = less focus/attention on each task
While it may not always be this simple, the logic is there. Saying yes means inheriting more responsibility and with more responsibility comes the potential for more stress, distractions, frustrations, and the list goes on. The items end up getting less of your undivided attention and more of your stress. No matter what your coffee or Adderall tells you, we are not built for multi-tasking.
An employee may keep taking on new projects, picking up the slack for somebody else, accepting unrealistic deadlines, or agreeing to undesirable employment terms to remain in good standing with her/his boss and/or prove them self. Let’s face it, this just leads to job resentment.
A parent (especially single parents and divorced families) is already juggling responsibilities, so having a faulty shut off valve is simple going to cause more stress. Quality over quantity is a good rule of thumb, because kids have an uncanny ability to find ways to “fly under then radar” when Mom and Dad are busy with other things.
2. The ball is in their court.
This isn’t about control, but it is about people taking advantage. Some individuals are unbelievably obvious in their actions towards other, and more importantly, well aware of what they are doing. For others, including family and close friends, they may not be as aware. Kids grow and learn which parents are more reliable for certain needs. If Mom will let them borrow twenty bucks and Dad is more of a “get a job” type of person, they grow to rely on her being the go-to. While your kids may not be consciously taking advantage of your “yes person” mentality, they do grow to learn to rely on it. This goes for other people as well.
Reliability is a great trait, but you must start taking inventory of what people rely on you for and if this helps or potentially hurts them.
3. You have no choice.
Call it whatever you would like, when you have the “yes person” mentality you frequently find yourself with very little or absolutely no choice in situations where pleasing other people are at stake. Many of the parents that we work with see these moments as actually fulfilling. They said things such as, “when I can help out, it actually gives me a really good feeling’, and “seeing them happy actually makes me happy”.
This is not about your kids happiness, this is about your issue with discomfort. No parent feels fully comfortable when their kid is struggling in any context and to any degree, but as a parent you must be able to create some mental and emotional space between the initial discomfort and your reaction to it. Be strategic and mindful when it comes to making these decisions. Remember, they are called decisions because you have a choice. Lastly, remember this thought… If you are saying yes to somebody else, what are you saying no to yourself on?
BENEFITS TO BEING A MINDFUL “YES PERSON”:
1. You use your emotions, your emotions don’t use you.
The problem doesn’t lie within a person saying “yes”, the problem lies in the disconnect between what emotions are driving that decision. Mindfulness allows a parent to take a few steps back from the situation, observe what emotions are at play, and proceed in a more skillful way. When we talk about reactions, we are really talk about emotions. Try practicing the S.T.O.P. Technique when it comes to making important decisions.
S = STOP. When you notice an imbalance, take a pause.
T = TAKE A BREATHE. During this pause simply focus on the sensation of your inhale and exhale. Bring your awareness to the sensation of breathing, filling your stomach with air, and softening with each exhale. If your mind gets distracted, just bring it back to the breathe. This will help settle your mind.
O = OBSERVE. Take a quick note of how the breathing feels. Ask yourself, “In this moment, what is really happening?”
P = PROCEED. This small shift will help you respond skillfully rather than react emotionally. Take an action that seems appropriate for you and the situation.
2. You are making a meaningful contribution.
At various stages in a kid’s life they go through a process called individuation. During this time, they start learning more about what makes them a unique individual, separate from other people. Try shifting your perspective from, “I am saying NO to them”, to “I am giving them the opportunity to figure this out and will support them in other ways”. This means you are actively contributing to their ability to be independent.
Try saying to them, “I am open to support you, but want to in other ways this time.” They may get frustrated, but this is something new for you both to work with and allow them to experience the frustration or what emotion that comes up.
3. You will be good enough.
Many fears can come into play when dealing with a “yes person” mentality. The fear of not being a good enough parent, of being the cause of your kids discomfort, of creating more problems for them, or even the fear of what will happen (uncertainty) if you don’t say yes. Know this, you will be enough. Perfect parents are like unicorns, so embrace being enough for your kids. Failing and struggling in front of a child gives them a much more accurate depiction of what life is like. Navigating away from a “yes person” mindset will help you see that the relationship can grow in new ways than previously thought.
THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. BE PATIENT AND KIND TO YOURSELF THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS.
Although the first day of classes may not consist of much homework or expectations, it all can build up pretty quickly. Use these tips and strategies from your “Back to school tool box” to help make your transition easier!
1.Are you feeling tired and over worked? Use these two strategies to become more relaxed.
Catch some Zzzz’s: Have you ever noticed when you are tired you become more irritable? Prioritizing your school work and extracurricular activities right away is critical for setting a routine for the rest of the school year. Since you are not used to using your brain as much from the time off in the summer months, your brain gets tired easier.Therefore, getting a good night’s rest is important.When you are feeling anxious about school work or just from lack of sleep, it is helpful to schedule time for a nap or to get to bed early.That way you can wake up feeling more refreshed and better able to accomplish what you need to do that day.
Limit the Caffeine! Remember, nothing replaces actual rest when you need it! If you are lacking sleep, you are probably not lacking caffeine.Unfortunately, drinking coffee will only worsen your anxiety and make you feel more stressed (especially if you are on medication for ADHD). When you are feeling anxious, caffeine can be your worst enemy because it often makes individuals feel jittery as well as increasing their heart-rate.If this feeling reminds you of yourself, try weaning off the Starbucks to one Caramel Macchiato a day instead of two! Some alternative drinking approaches you could try would be drinking a full glass of water each morning.This helps aid in digestion as well as keeping your body hydrated. Also, you could also try tea. Tea can be completely caffeine free and comes in lots of great flavors!
2. Do you find yourself feeling un-motivated during the school year? Try these tools.
You are what you eat! Consuming quality foods will significantly alter the way your body works.If you eat healthy food, you feel healthy.If you eat cake and ice cream, you feel unhealthy.It’s that simple! There are some foods that are scientifically proven to help reduce symptoms of anxiety. Remember you are what you eat! For example: Turkey, avocados, leafy greens, and even dark chocolate!!! Turkey is a food rich with tryptophan, which makes you feel very relaxed and even sometimes even sleepy after consuming.Avocados have lots of B vitamins which release neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine (just like exercise).Therefore, you will naturally feel better after eating them. Dark chocolate is full of antioxidants and reduces the stress hormone cortisol which could help lower stress levels and anxiety.Now don’t say no one ever said chocolate was good for you! Amen to that!
Burn some calories! When I say burn some calories, I don’t mean spend hours on the treadmill.Exercising can be fun and it doesn’t have to be all day! Try doing about 30 minutes of high intensity training three times a week.Whether it be swimming in the pool during the last few weeks of summer, or dancing around your bedroom to your favorite song. Working out with a friend is a good way to push yourself and the other person. Anything that helps you break a sweat will do. Exercising can also help improve your cardiovascular health which isn’t a bad thing!
3. Are you constantly nervous and stressed out by school work? Look in your toolbox!
Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize! Starting out the school year with too much on your plate might be anxiety producing.If you find yourself running around from one thing to the next, maybe it is time to decide what is the most important.Using a calendar or planer to plan out each part of your day can help to ease some feelings of dread because you know what is coming next.It can also help to determine what you have time for and what things you might need to put on the backburner. Also, creating a “To-Do” list can be a great organizational and therapeutic tool.The act of simply crossing off completed tasks can create a sense of accomplishment and satisfying feelings.
Take it Slow and steady. When feeling worried about back to school, it can help to literally move slowly to better focus on the task on hand. For example, when picking up your dorm room for the first time since move in day, try really focusing on folding your clothes and putting them in their proper place.I know it sounds silly, but by doing this it can help take your mind off what is making you nervous.You will also end up with a clean room which is a plus!
Know what triggers you? Are you someone who can tell that you will be worked up about an event before it happens? Knowing your triggers can help ease stress and anxiety before it starts.If starting school in a new classroom with new teachers makes you weak at the knees, try setting up a meeting with your teacher before class officially starts.That way you can get to know them on a more personal level and see what they will be expecting from you as a student beforehand.Does having to wake up early every day during the week stress you out after sleeping in all summer? How about trying to wake up early 3 days a week during the month of August so you are on a better schedule when school begins. Just being aware of what makes you tick is a good way to determine how to handle the situation before it starts.
4.Unsure of who you should talk to in times of need, try this idea!
Find a safe circle. A safe circle is made up of people you surround yourself with to make you feel more comfortable.Utilize your resources! Whether it be your parents, friends, counseling center or your coach, these people are here to support you and they want to help you succeed. Knowing who to talk to about how you are feeling can only help to ease your anxiety in nerve racking school situations.For example, when you are swamped with homework and don’t know how to manage your time, ask your YouTime coach, they can help you to sort out what is most important and help you get through it step by step.Who makes up your safe circle?
Your closing thought:
By using these tools from the “back to school tool box” you can help your child to learn the skills they need to become successful in any situation! The most important thing to do is to be aware of how your child is feeling and think about how you can help to change their thoughts and actions to get a better result. Another thing to note is that all of these tools might not work for everyone.Trial and error for a few weeks at a time would be the best way to determine if these types of suggested foods, exercises and support systems are good for your child individually. It doesn’t hurt to try!
Even though the school year for many people is coming to a close, summer school is right around the corner! Yea, sorry for having to go mentioning that. The motivation to do well in class while your mind is at the beach can put you in a position where a tutor could help for many reasons and hopefully prevent that, oh so familiar, struggle and stress. In this blog I introduce you to Jay.
Jay is the CEO of Signet Education, a company of world class tutors, coaches, and consultants found in Cambridge, Massachusetts and New York City. He graduated from Harvard in 2005, and has taken a broad academic path that spans the sciences and humanities. Jay was also a semi-professional jazz musician (trumpet) before starting Signet Education.
Follow Jay as he illustrates 4 signs that mean you may need a tutor.
“I have an exam in two days, and I am completely lost. I need to find somebody to help me learn the material quick!”
Most students will experience this at some point in their education, and it can be hard to recognize you need help before it’s too late. If you are at this point, a tutor can help, but not nearly as much as if you had found one earlier.
To help avoid this situation, here are four warning signs that might help you recognize that it’s time to find a tutor:
1.“I’ve done everything I can, but nothing is working.”
Sometimes you put all of your time and energy into a subject, but your efforts just don’t seem to pay off. Maybe you don’t understand a fundamental concept, or maybe you need to rethink your study approach. A tutor can help you understand difficult concepts so you don’t fall behind before exam time. They can also help you refine your study technique so you’re better prepared for next time. Consider contacting a tutor several weeks before an exam so you can nail down key concepts before it’s too late. The expert perspective of your tutor can help you see your way forward quickly and effectively.
2. “Things were going so well, but now I’m struggling.”
If you were previously succeeding, but have recently seen a decline in grades or understanding, an expert tutor can help you figure out where you fell off track. Whether the drop off occurred within a single semester, or in transition to middle school, high school, college, or graduate school, a tutor can quickly assess your needs and help you move forward with confidence.
3.“I couldn’t care less about this subject.”
If this sounds like you, watch out! A dislike for the subject coupled with a challenging course load can lead to procrastination and poor performance. If you have a test or class you just can’t seem to get excited about, a dynamic tutor can help make it more exciting, or at least help you stay on track and get through the material more quickly.
4.“I’m bad at __________.”
With some patient, focused tutoring, you can remedy this all-too-common scenario. It is not unusual for to a student to go from being “bad at chemistry” to wanting to major in chemistry, all because of an inspiring and effective tutor. A tutor can quickly diagnose where you need help and give you clear strategies for overcoming your obstacles.
If you are encountering any of these issues, consider getting a tutor before it’s too late. In many cases, catching the issue early means just a few tutoring sessions will get you back on track. If you find yourself struggling, it’s never too early to contact a tutor! Some focused tutoring might save you days of frustration and anxiety in the long run.
Regardless of what the circumstances may have been, we have all heard the saying, “get in the zone”. I am going to share with you not only what this saying actually means, but help you find easier ways in your day to day life to achieve this amazing feeling and state of being.
A concept that can be applied to many areas of a person’s life, such as work and hobbies, is flow. Flow refers to a psychological state in which the individual is fully engaged with the task they are doing at the moment. It is a very satisfying experience that offers many positive emotions and fulfillment.
When a person is in flow, they are not aware of the time and they are completely immersed in whatever they are doing. A state of flow feels like a full focus on the task that is not forced, that is satisfying, productive and creative. Flow is rewarding in itself, meaning that simply experiencing the process is rewarding, regardless of results. The focus is in the moment, and it feels like performing the task is fused with awareness, as all the attention is naturally diverted to it. The person also doesn’t experience self-consciousness. A clear example of flow can be seen with the artist who is lost in doing their work and forgets about the time. It’s important to note that any person can achieve a state of flow.
What conditions are necessary for “Flow”?
The first one is that the task needs to have a clear goal and progress. For example, you want to finish the painting, solve a series of puzzles or plant flowers.
The second condition is that the task needs to have feedback that helps you adjust your progress. For example, you will see how the paint you apply looks.
The task also needs to have a perceived balance between being challenging enough to be interesting and to be accessible to your skills enough that you can do it without feeling too frustrated. If these conditions are met, the person can achieve flow.
What Are the Benefits of “Flow”
It enhances the satisfaction a person feels with their life.
It is a rewarding experience that provides a lot of positive emotions.
It helps the person become more creative and find tasks that are rewarding.
In the workplace or other activities, it can increase productivity and make the person strive for more, grow and develop.
To Achieve “Flow” You Must:
Match your skills to the task
Have confidence in your abilities, avoid interruptions (turn off your phone, for instance)
Choose a task that provides a bit of a challenge and avoid focusing on the end goal.
The idea of “having patience” is something that most people desire to have in their lives. Simply put, it just makes things easier. We believe that there are ways to be “taught” how to be patient and that you can be good or bad at it as well. One thing that most people must know about patience is that it needs to begin by focusing on having patience with yourself. Recently, I have been getting more involved with meditation. Between the science behind it and the personal benefits, it really is a valuable tool to have in your life, but with all great things comes a price tag and in this case, it is patience. The patience is not only found within the amount of time you meditate for but also with the thoughts that flow through your mind during that time.
Our minds are very active. Inner dialogue is constantly up and running, seemingly impossible to turn off. Not only is this normal, but it is actually okay. Patience includes acceptance. An acceptance that we are imperfect and our minds are active creatures.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”
~ Stephen Covey, Author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
This quote could having multiple meanings, depending on the individual reading it. For me, it highlights the importance in the order of operation while trying to experience personal growth. First, seek to understand yourself. Second, let others into your wonderful world. Having patience with yourself will change the way you communicate with other people, create less stress in your life, change your perspective on some of life’s most important pieces, and ultimately make you feel happier with who you are. That is life’s real adventure.
Patience is not just a concept that can be “taught”. It must be lived.
When most people think about being productive, they think of the number of hours worked. Flipping that mindset may actually have a bigger impact on you and your productivity levels.
What does this mean? Focus on your breaks, mental replenishing, and refueling.
Here are 10 ways, featured in Entrepreneur Magazine to improve you mental refueling during the work day:
1. Take Multiple Small Breaks: Schedule two 10-15 minute breaks in the morning and
two 10-15 breaks in the afternoon. Use this to break up a sometimes monotonous day. Research shows that more focused smaller chunks of work with multiple breaks yields more productive time.
2. Actually Enjoy Your Lunch: Don’t settle of a “working lunch”. Go outside or just change the scenery while you enjoy your food. The change in scenery redirects your thoughts to less work-related topics.
3. JUST THINK: Use 10-15 out of your day (mornings are nice) to just reflect on your life. How are you feeling? What makes you happy? What are you grateful for?
4.Get a life!: You schedule your appointments with other people, why not schedule them with yourself? Make sure you have a calendar designated for your social life and doing things you enjoy.
5. Take up a new hobby: New hobbies can create new brain patterns, including getting you out of auto-pilot at work. Take up something you find fulfillment in and stick with it.
6. Get your booty moving:More blood flow to the brain equals better brain power! Get your booty moving at least 30 minutes a day of moderate activity to experience all of the benefits.
7. Get away: A vacation can be tough for a lot of people to swing but time wise and financially speaking. When possible take mini-vacations of the weekends. Rent a cabin and just relax, or go somewhere more active, your choice.
8. ZZZ:We all know how important sleeping is and it may be even more important than you think. Catch 7-9 hours of sleep to wake up fully energized.
9. Take some of the load off: Learn to accept help from others! Trust in yourself and the other person can help facilitate this, but delegating work related tasks to take the load off is important to your mental state and how effective you are as a leader in the work place.
10. Smell the roses: Get outside! Studies show that being outside has a positive impact on your mental state and results in higher engagement with your work following your short walk in the park.
Try all 10 or just one at a time, it is all up to you. One thing is for sure, we could all benefit from these pieces of advice.
